Afraid and feeling alone

[myblueeyes]

:trigger
I haven't been here in a while, but recently I have been feeling worried again. I always say this in all my posts, but I haven't been diagnosed and I am not seeing anyone (can't afford it for one thing). When I was sixteen, I started losing weight and I have never been at a weight I am happy with. I am acceptive of what I am at right now. I just don't want to gain any. I have looked online at weight charts and I am below what I the chart says I should weigh for my age (I am twenty one years old) and height. I am frightened by that. I was at that weight before and I didn't like it. I don't want to be jiggley (sp?) and have rolls. Anyway, what compelled me to come here today is what has been said over the past week or so by my parents. My dad and mom have constantly been making comments about how I am too skinny and am skin and bones and that other people tell them how thin I am. Other people tell me that I look good, though, so I don't know who to believe. I am afraid to gain weight. I really don't want to. I don't make very much money, but have bought some designer clothes over the past year or so that I would hate to grow out of and get rid of (one, I love them and two, I can't afford to replace them with a bigger size and don't want to). I wonder sometimes if my parents have weired expectations of how much I am supposed to weigh. They don't even know how much I weigh. My mom said yesterday that I could afford to put ten or fifteen pounds (sorry, but I had to mention the numbers), but I think she is crazy. That would mean I would go back to the weight I was before I started losing weight and then I was chubby. Even others said I was then, so that makes me think THEY have unrealistic views of my weight.

I also feel like others expect me to be perfect, like if I gain weight I am afraid they will think I am jiggly or not good enough or, I can't think of the word I want, but I guess ugly will work. I want to be attractive to guys, but feel that if I gain weight that they will think I am fat or unattractive or not perfect or worthy. But my parents tell me that because I look so thin and because of that I look ******** is why I don't have a boyfriend.

When my parents talk to me about my weight and mention eating disorders, I get the impression that they don't understand how I feel. I know they don't and I can't tell them. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but there are just some things I can't talk about with them. I don't have anyone to tell, that is why I'm here. I don't know if I have an eating disorder, but at the very least, I may have an unhealthy relationship with food. I feel heavy or icky if I feel I have eaten too many calories for the day or if I don't exercise.

I just don't know what to do. I sometimes think I have a problem and at other times, I brush it off and don't think I do. Sometimes I feel that maybe I should gain a few pounds, but then when I actually decide to I can't do it. I understand the idea, but can't bear to do it. I just need some help or suggestions from anyone out there. I am feeling very along and scaired and don't know what to do. Any help would be great! I know this isn't a replacement for a doctor, but since I can't go to one, this is all I've got!

[skiierchick]

Wow, when I was reading your post i really thought was reading about myself. My situation is exactly the same. I like where i am now but my parents say i'm too thin. I keep very close count of what i eat and wont go over that plus i make sure i always sure that i exercise.

i havent been diagnosed with an eating disorder nor have i seen anyone yet. I'm beginning to accept that i have a problem but i dont want to gain my weight back and i dont know how to change my eating habits. I'm also nowbeginning to show signs of depression which are not helping either.

I dont know what i can do to help you, but i'm here going through the same thing. I need some help and someone o talk to also. Maybe we can help each other.

[myblueeyes]

:trigger
Oh my goodness! Same here. I am anxious about gaining any weight. I know I probably should, but doing it is so hard to think about. I am so fixed on what size I wear and what the scales say (although I haven't weighed myself in weeks, mainly because if it doesn't say what I want it to I will be upset, sad and angry, but I also can tell by how my clothes fit or how my ring fits or something whether I have gained). I also am scaired that if I gain weight I will grow out of my favorite clothes, one item I haven't even worn yet and spent over One Hundred Dollars on. I don't make very much, so having to replace all my clothes is not possible and I don't want to. I just feel so frightened, frustrated and alone. I know I basically restated what I said in the initial post. It is nice to be able to let these feelings out and feel safe about it. I don't know if I could tell my parents ever. I know that they would always be hounding me about what I eat and how much even more than they do now. I think they would also make me eat a ton more, when I don't feel ready or that I want to. I know I should see a doctor, but don't have the money. I am afraid that if I do go to the doctor,which will be a gigantic financial strain, they will want me to see nutrionists, therapists, and a bunch of other people I can't afford. I wrestle with wether or not I have a problem. I get stressed when I think about it and all the financial costs and how I don't want to gain weight either. I just wish that I didn't have to feel this way.

[Pianophillic]

Yeah I do have to say I also share this experice, i didnt realize so many other peopel did do until i came here...
I havent been dianosed yet though i have my frist appointent with a therapst this morning...

I am morbidly scared of gaining weight im not exacty happy where i am now but i fee l llike the height and weight charts are all wrong, becuase if i was to gain some weight to actuall =y be what they said for my height i would feel so fat, im a little under and i still feel kinda chubby.. its so weird - but if i gained weight i would be miserable..

now if you feel unworthy if you were to gain wight or that poepe might not likeyou (boyfriend thing) if you were what the chart said and you are scared to gaina dn cant bringyourself to do it, it sounds like there may be an unhealthy food relationship yes....
is there possible a hot line number free or an organization near you to talk to and explain tha you dont have much moey to throw around, but this is for your health you know... this is your body you are mportant... maybe there are som free programs out there that could help?

but i defineilty know how you feel... blah, lol.

[myblueeyes]

Pianophillic , I hope that your appointment when well. I appreciate your suggestions and will try to find something, but I feel like I would be wasting their time. I feel like I am fine. If I could post my height,weight and stuff (which I can't) I think people would think I was dumb for posting, though I have check other charts and they do say I am underweight, but like you, I feel those charts are wrong. I would feel chubby/fat/ugly/icky if I weight what they said. Anyway, I hope things go well for you and appreciate your post.

[Pianophillic]

well you definietly wouldnt be a waste of time.. i actually had a good expereince i was sooooooooooooooooooooooo lucky to get a lady who was very understanding... and its not going to be like they make you do anything or give up on you really fast... it is the slowest process ever... i mean take me. i dont want to change... i mean i do but i cant imagine for the life on me allowing myself to stop compulsiley exercising or restricting my calories... i mean i never ever want to match my height weight chart... but talking it out really just feels a littl e better then keeping it a huge secret.... she even said some things that made me feel a bit better... im not changing anything right now.. or even in the near future... but it couldnt hurt to give it a try...

how you doing lately though...?

[Papatipa]

I understand how you all feel and think I might be able to offer something because I have been in that situation and come through it. I remember feeling very frightened about gaining weight and had to really use self control to allow myself to eat foods I was afraid of, instead of not letting myself eat them. The fear of gaining weight is the biggest barrier to come through, and it is probably best to get some kind of help with that. I think that if you try to focus on nutrients, rather than calories, it becomes a lot easier. I know it is easier said than done, but if you excercise and give your body what it needs, you will be thin AND healthy. I completely understand about not fitting into clothes etc, and believe me, I've been there. But the funny thing is that once you start to feel healthy, that becomes the focus, rather than weight. I'm sorry that I can't really say how to get to that point, its something that needs help, both from inside yourself and from others. But its freedom in a way that being thin never is. I guess I just wanted to let you know that no matter how bad and scared you feel now, there are people who understand, and that it won't always be that way. Please feel free to ask any questions, because its hard to explain properly in a general reply. Good luck and please believe in yourself that you are ok, no matter what.

[Pianophillic]

Hey Papita,
That was a greta post actually... thanks, lol. can ask you how long it took to reach that point? are you still at that point? it seems so far away... at least for me.. and when you said that it sounded so nice... almost easy ( and i KNOW it wasnt easy for you) but then im like... why cant i start to think that way... and beling healhty def has its appeal but then i cant even brin gmyself to get started...its been so many years

[Papatipa]

I think that it has taken a few years to reach that point, and it is something that I still need to really work on maintaining. Of course it is hard to be putting on weight, even if it is healthy weight and muscle, when the focus for so long has been on losing it. But please believe me that it is worth it. Sometimes it can be hard to see at the time how much an ed effects other aspects of your life, like relationships and concentration, and most importantly of all, your perception of yourself. Once you start to feel more control in other areas, the food stuff kind of becomes less important...hard to explain. Believe me, I never thought I would get there either and I can understand why it seems so easy but so hard, because it is! But looking back now, I would say that it is important to deal with the stuff inside you, because nobody has an eating problem just because they want to be thin. That's what I mean about gaining control. I know for me, anyway, that once I felt in control in other areas, it was easier.
This is going on a bit, and I'm not sure if it will really help because I think everything depends on how ready a person is to hear/do something. But one little thing that might help, if you are ready, is that when you are approaching food, say a piece of cheese, try to think about cheese as a source of calcium, that you can eat a little, because your body really needs it. Start like that, with healthy and essential things. I would really recommend seeing somebody, though, because it is really hard to undo thought patterns and feelings you have had for a long time, and you shouldn't have to do it alone. Good luck, sorry this has been such a long post!

[Pianophillic]

Hey paptita -

Hey your long post was great - that is one of the best posts ive read here... readin that sounds sooooooo insanly hopeful.. becuase it feels it cannnot be done period but then when you read about somones success or road to success ... its just really good..

Yeah though youre exactly right, it realy distorts perception.. i mean somone food seem so important i almost feel nuts sometimes.. and definielty with the relationships... alot of mine are on shaky ground soley becuase of this.. sometimes i come off as so inflexible becuase of it too..

And the cheese thing was a realy helpful hint.. Im not sure im at that point yet, all i can relaly see is what it might do to me.. i feel like one peice can do ot more then what it woud do and then i dont want it to "ruin all my hard work", lol jeeze writing out my thoughts - they sound so silly.

But again, thank you for your post - and i really admire you for working through the ed like you are... im suuure it is NOT easy and it msut take a lot of courage so good luck serisouly, i really hope you can continue to maintain everything -