too scared to get help

[Pianophillic]

I am not exactly sure what my problem would be classifyed as.. when i was twelve I fought and over came five years of anorexia but ever since then things just seem to get worse and worse, I am obessesed with excersie, i havent missed a single day for three years so far, even through injury and fever and Im so scared that if I miss a day ill gain weight.. and if i cannot fit in two workouts i cut out some food, and I record everything i consume and obessess over it... i am so restricted and i have reallly weird ways of eating my food, and I feel like i cant eat wiht friends becuase im so weird and restricted. Im not underwight though, I lift weights and workout so i look pretty normal but im not happy and would love to loose more weight, im scared to change the way i am, im scared that ill have health problems when im older - i already have ammenorea and im scared taht i keep getting wierder ad weider eating habits, if anyone knew id be so embarsseessed. Some days are better then others, sometimes school consumes me and i forget there is anythign wrong until the next morning when i continue all my habits and strict schedule of exercising. I want help and i wish i could tell somone but i know if i got help i would have to stop and im to scared to stop...

sorry for ranting but it feels so good to post somthing have no one know who you are~

[rosysunset]

hey there,

i don't think you need to worry about what formal label to put on your eating disorder. but i do think you need to think about how to get help. can you make an appointment with a doctor and print out that post for him/her? or a therapist?

take care,

rosy :flower

[Pianophillic]

Ive been thinking about getting help for a long time, but the thing is Im really scared .. and Im scared to be made to stop, and a lot of doctors dont undestand and they could be really mean... I dont want anyone I know to find out, what if they tell my family?

[piratebear]

:hugon Pianophillic :hugoff

It sounds like you're a student; is there a counselling office where you could talk to someone confidentially? Or do you have a coach or trainer who you trust enough to talk to about this? In the women's bathrooms at my uni different organizations often post stickers with hotline numbers on them for various issues. Is there a women's union or anything like that at your school where you could call for a referral?

I've been to one really mean doctor (a GP for a physical) who was rude about my weight and nervousness, but the others have been really pretty great. The first doctor who suspected I had an ED was the orthopedist who I saw for leg pain; she was very non-threatening and matter of fact about it, and didn't make me feel bad about it. I got the impression that she saw a lot of young people with the same problem, and she had a really good way of dealing with it. I was referred to the doctor I saw for the ED specifically by my counselor, and she's been great, too-- explained the blood work I had to have done and the results very well. The counselors I've seen have also asked for feedback about the doctors/nurses/dieticians, things like "Do you like her? Most people seem to." or "Really? Is she good? There are some other people who I've heard aren't so great." I get a real feeling that they're careful about where they send people. So maybe telling a school counselor or a therapist first would be a good way to find a sympathetic doctor, or one who's somewhat specialized in ED.

I'd definitely encourage you to tell someone, though; and even if you do run up against an unpleasant doc at first, please keep trying to find someone who'll listen and help. They ARE out there! Your health is so important, and you deserve to be well and not scared.

[rosysunset]

hey piano,

none of my family knows about the fact that i've gotten help--not about nutritionist, therapy or doctor visits. i guess that depends on how your insurance works, though, and what type of living situation/relationship you have with them. i understand how hard it is to overcome the hurdle of asking for help and what a hard risk it is. i think it's really important and think you can do it.

good luck :clover

take care

rosy :flower

[Pianophillic]

Thanks guys, what you both say sounds much more optomistic then what i thought.. i guess i just have to work up the courage to initiate it.. thats the hardest part - worse then mean doctors.. but its good to know there are nice ones out there

I aso think that to be able to initate it i need to want to get better, and i mean i want to change, its really hard living like this, having such immense will power to not slack off or wake up before six to workout all the time, and I do want it, but at the same time i dont, im not sure of any other way to live, Im so scared to change, what if its for the worse
what if i gain a lot of weight, or i dont even know... i feel so in control right now but then so out of it at the same time.

[sflathinker]

What would happen if you did gain weight? What would happen if you went out with friends and felt connected and happy instead of working out all the time? What if you actually got a good night's sleep because your body wasn't so exhausted and your mind was free of the shame, guilt, fear, anxiety and pressure you feel? What would like be like then?

[voodoo]

How do counselors/therapists/nutritionists help with this?

I am dealing with all of the exact same issues, although I'm older, not too concerned with what family/friends think of my disordered behavior, I just can't bring myself to seeing anybody. I know the way I'm living (if you can even call it that)my life is severely messed up, and my common sense says okay, to stop it you need to stop exercising so much, and eat food without guilt. But I can't. The fear of gaining weight is too strong. How does a therapist make that different?

[Pianophillic]

Yeah, how can a therapist help ... especially if we are so scared to stop... dont they need to work with willing people? And yes we're willing in a sense especially if we take the initiative to set up an appointment but this is somthing i've (we've) been battling for a long long time, they cant just say this is what youre doing wrong, do this... we all technically know what we're doing wrong.. but how to stop not what to do instead is the problem...

[sflathinker]

The best way to overcome a fear is to stop fearing it! A therapist will help you understand why you have that fear and what it represents to you.

[rosysunset]

I've found that it is really helpful to have someone listen to some of what's going on inside my head. It is a reality check. Talking about stuff also helps me to reconnect with reality by reducing the secrecy and shame of my behaviors and emotions.

rosy :flower

[Pianophillic]

do therapists have a privacy code that they arent allowed to tell anyone what you say?

[rosysunset]

yep, conversations with therapists are confidential--like talking with a doctor. however, if they feel you are a danger to yourself or someone else i think they're legally obligated to act. sometimes people give t.s permission to talk to their doctors/nutritionists so that they can be a treatment team. but they have to get you to sign something first.

rosy :flower

[Pianophillic]

so unless you sign somthing they cannot tell anyone? I feel like if I told anyone i would need total secrecy, ITs just so embaressing for me to speak it outloud even when im alone, if I told a therapist and it got back to my family or any one i know i feel like i wouldnt be able to face them anymore or that they wouldnt trust me anymore...

[gone]

yes. it's confidential. if you are in serious medical danger they might tell someone (not sure the basics on this) but on the most part, yep, they are confidential.

i'd really urge you to consider it. it's very helpful.

[Pianophillic]

ok well thats more of a relief, and now I can consider it... its just realllly scary, I dont know if i can do it, and I mean Im sorry for complaining, I know everyone here has scary things they muct face or overcome... I guess this one is just taking me extra long to work out.. I wish I could do it on my own but I honestly dont want to stop - I mean I do want to be normal and relaxed so I dont have to deal with all of this every single freakin day but if were up to me I could do it probably forever... and I think that if I had someone to really help me then.. i dont know, I know that you have to have motivation from within but I dont have it i dnt think, would they turn me away until I was ready to change?

[rosysunset]

i don't think any therapist expects someone who ************% all-of-the-time wants to change. i think they do expect someone who wants their support and will cooperate with them (otherwise, why are you there?). i also think all therapists are different. even thinking about getting help indicates to me that you do want to see changes in your life, even if you're not ready to let go of all ed behaviors right now. i hope you can get up the courage to give a t. a call.

rosy :flower