CReeDGuRL
08-17-2001, 02:08 AM
:trigger :trigger :trigger
hey :bowl
well- i haven't posted for a while, but i need to do SOMETHING now. things- my life in general- is spiraling out of control. even my t- whom i c twice a week- has said that this thing is too big for him (the ed, si, etc) and that i really really need IP. and finally having hit rock bottom (or so i thought)- i said i would consider. but he made some calls and we found out that it is impossible to afford. my family is not rich, and we have crappy insurance to boot.
that's not the main problem tho. the main problem is the fact that things are so bad that IP is even a consideration, you know? i just feel so lost and alone and hopeless. like im just this wide-eyed little girl inside- gaping at the world, and cowering in fear. yet on the outside, i seem to have fooled people into thinking that i am capable, confident, responsible and competant. but i am NOT. im so impulsive- and so far gone. i've been so depressed lately. so sad. it just hurts so much. and the thoughts scream so loudly in my head. and i cant make them stop.
ed has been bad lately- im seeing a dietician- but all the stuff she wants me to do is so HARD. and she does NOT understand a lot of stuff. i thought seeing her would end the b/p- but not even close.
si has been bad too, at least today. that's not even something that's usually much of a problem at all-- but as i am typing, my arms are stinging and all cut up- worse than ever. the really freaky part is that while i do remember cutting- i dont remember doing it that much.
sigh- i just dont know what to do. i just want to go away forever (no- i am NOT suicidal- i could never do that to my family. ADam's death showed how painful suicide is) what do i do fishies? what do i do?
anyway-- k- i am going to stop rambling now. if anyone has actually made it to the end of this post- i give you a medal :)
something positive- i have a cool new room
catch u all later
:love
creedgurl
hey :bowl
well- i haven't posted for a while, but i need to do SOMETHING now. things- my life in general- is spiraling out of control. even my t- whom i c twice a week- has said that this thing is too big for him (the ed, si, etc) and that i really really need IP. and finally having hit rock bottom (or so i thought)- i said i would consider. but he made some calls and we found out that it is impossible to afford. my family is not rich, and we have crappy insurance to boot.
that's not the main problem tho. the main problem is the fact that things are so bad that IP is even a consideration, you know? i just feel so lost and alone and hopeless. like im just this wide-eyed little girl inside- gaping at the world, and cowering in fear. yet on the outside, i seem to have fooled people into thinking that i am capable, confident, responsible and competant. but i am NOT. im so impulsive- and so far gone. i've been so depressed lately. so sad. it just hurts so much. and the thoughts scream so loudly in my head. and i cant make them stop.
ed has been bad lately- im seeing a dietician- but all the stuff she wants me to do is so HARD. and she does NOT understand a lot of stuff. i thought seeing her would end the b/p- but not even close.
si has been bad too, at least today. that's not even something that's usually much of a problem at all-- but as i am typing, my arms are stinging and all cut up- worse than ever. the really freaky part is that while i do remember cutting- i dont remember doing it that much.
sigh- i just dont know what to do. i just want to go away forever (no- i am NOT suicidal- i could never do that to my family. ADam's death showed how painful suicide is) what do i do fishies? what do i do?
anyway-- k- i am going to stop rambling now. if anyone has actually made it to the end of this post- i give you a medal :)
something positive- i have a cool new room
catch u all later
:love
creedgurl