I Need To Admit This

[crazydiamond]

Hello everyone. I'm new to this forum but as of late I've realized that I have a problem. I have HAD a problem with food for a long time. To give a little bit of history...I have never been comfortable with myself or the issue of food. Growing up, a certain family member ridiculed my eating habits...so many times I have eaten in secret because I was ashamed to admit either hunger or the amount of food I gorged myself on. My weight has flucuated often throughout my life...high school was a time of restriction and excessive excersise, I never realized how small I was until I saw an older picture of myself the other day. Now I'm in college...I'm sure you can imagine how my behaviors slid in the opposite direction. Through all this time I have never admitted that I might have a problem... I haven't had health issues from either behaviors but today I realized how much power I give my self-image and food. Another possible trigger is that I have been in physically abusive relationships...I'm positive that has had an effect on shaping my personal image of myself...It's a little scary to me because right now I feel I'm doing many postive things in my life (for example I recently have found religion and have quit smoking!) But now I'm a little scared because I realize my eating habits now are unhealthy but I'm scared of slipping back to the other end of the spectrum...when it comes to food issues I seem to be extreme, either on one end or the other. Also, I wonder if I need help...I'm not extremely overweight now-I'm not at my ideal but you know what I'm saying... I guess I'm just looking to see if my situation has a place here in the fishbowl...you guys seem to have so much strength and encouragement!

[gone]

:hugon Crazydiamond :hugoff

I relate so well to everything you said!

When it comes to food issues, I am also extreme. I wish I could settle down to something *normal* but it doesn't happen.

:gimmehug Welcome to the :bowl :gimmehug

[JolieFille]

:hugon CRAZYDIAMOND :hugoff

I don't post much in this forum, however, I read your post and felt that I needed to reply.

I can relate to exactly how you're feeling. The extremes of our obsession with food, with our bodies. It gets frustrating, yet, at the same time, it is a comfort. When thinking about food, or our bodies, we don't need to focus on the, "true," issues in our lives. But, that doesn't mean that those issues cease to exist.

I am not a doctor, just a girl whose been through A LOT due to her eating disorder; and from experience, I suggest getting help now. In your post you show so much clarity. At this point in time, you recognize your behaviors are not normal and are contemplating getting help. It's SO much easier (not that it's ever easy) to fight the eating disorder when you want to versus when you are forced to because of health consequences.

I, too, have had a certain, "family member," ridicule me at the dinner table. And, even now, nearly ten years into my disease, he still has a running comentary of what I am or am not eating. I have also been in abusive relationships and know how easy it is to use food as a distraction...or a punishment. "If he thinks I'm worthless and deserve to be pushed around, then it must be true. Right?" Wrong...

Take care of yourself and really REALLY consider at least talking to someone. Just try it out; you don't need to commit...but it's worth it, I promise. Health consequences always surface at some point; and you deserve so uch more than that.