What do you thinka hout this

[tennischica]

For a few months I was feeling really self consious and I was feeling like I couldn't control anything in my life, but I know that I'm not fat, I just want to be thinner and I felt fat. I would try to diet but I could never follow through with it. I loved food too much and I couldn't say no to it. Lately I've felt better, like I can accomplish something when I cut back on food and only eat "healthy food" So that's what I've been doing most of the time. But I still have a problem with saying no to certain foods, like chocolate or pizza, or pie, but after I eat these things I feel like I can't control anything in my life anymore and I've failed and I feel bloated and gross. So I started to take laxatives every once in a while. It makes me feel better after over eating. But I'm afraid that I'm going to become addcited to them and be dependant on them. I don't wnat to hurt myself so I'm scared, but I like the control. Does anyone else feel like this? Also, if I'm taking laxatives would that make me bulemic?

[starryeyedsurprise]

:gimmehug

Yes, I know exactly how you are feeling because that is how my ED started to manifest itself, except I make myself sick to get rid of food that I feel guilty about eating. And you are doing better than me to recognise that it is unhealthy now, rather than later.

Use of laxatives to try and lose weight is NOT healthy. You don't have to define yourself as anything to know that you have an unhealthy relationship with food. I wouldn't call myself bulimic or anorexic - because I know I eat just enough and I don't often 'binge' before I make myself sick. Many people are somewhere in between - there is a message board here full of us!!!

All I would advise is that you talk to someone about it. You say you like that control it gives you. Does that mean that you have lost control of something else?Talking through it with someone (a friend maybe? Or a doctor that you trust?) may help you to see why you are thinking like this. Also, try taking to ED questionnaire that is somewhere on this site (can't remember where!!!). It won't diagnose you, but it may get you to think about your behaviours.

I haven't told many people about my eating problem, but it does help that my boyfriend knows. It means that I can tell him when I feel guilty, and he can make me think again about whether I should make myself sick or not. It doesn't work that often, because my inpulsion is very strong, but it works occasionaly. And everytime I resist the urge to vomit just once, that is a big step forward.

Anyway, hope that helps, feel free to email if you wanna chat some more.

Love,
Star :wand

[jumpinbeans]

good for you for recoginizing these things in yourself. but, please, please, please... dont put off dealing with them for any reason. right now there are so many of us that i struggling because we allowed ourselves to nuture the eating disorders, thinking that we could stop at any time, and that we really 'werent that bad.' this is just how it starts, and it is a fight you want to avoid with everything you have.

sorry to sound heavy handed, but honestly, i am fighting a war right now... and if there is any way to save yourself the pain (andthere is) you owe it to yourself to do so.

steph