What's wrong with me?

[lela]

:trigger (Talks about my stupid ED thoughts)

My faith has always been the most important thing to me. I am a Christian, and was raised in a pretty loving home, but my dad and I didn't always get along. HE always amde comments to family members about their weight, and I think this might have encouraged me to start b/p:sad. I haven't had my ED for an extremely long time, but I know I have to deal with it now. My first inclination is to restrict what I eat. I know that's a bad idea, but I can't get this thought out of my head: God doesn't want me to depend on food, but on Him. I know if I continue thinking this way, my problems will get worse instead of better. BUt on the other hand, God really does want me to depend on Him and only Him. I don't know what to think, or why I am even thinking this. Slowly, my spirituality is being sucked from me. I spend more time worrying about food than worrying about how to please God. I am growing numb to All of the little things that used to make me happy. I want to get over this, but I keep getting caught in this cycle of twisted thoughts. Does anyone have any imput? Thanks for listening.
Lela :kiss

[dramadiva]

Awe, sweetie. I'm glad you realize that you should depend on God, and only him. Knowing this is the first step. I think you need to spend time building your relationship with God. I know it sounds strange, but it really does work! When I felt really terrible, and reached my lowest point, I laid down on my bedm closed my eyes, and just prayed for God to help me and show me the way. He DOES listen, all you have to do is talk to him. He loves you, you are his child, and he never wants you to lose sight of him. Once you allow him to come into your heart, and you accept him to be everything, things will get better. It was the most incredible experience for me. I just cried and cried, and then all of a sudden, I stopped, and I felt his love embracing me, and I felt complete, like I didn't need physical or material items to make me happy. Physical beauty, weight, age, or clothing sizes no longer mattered to me. It is all within, so as long as you concentrate on being spirtually and personally beautiful, you will be beautiful. You ARE beautiful. I hope that you can find the comfort that I did in God, and please let me know how you are doing. Never lose your faith in God, whatever you percieve her to be. God is always there, and always willing to listen, love, and lead. Ask and you shall recieve! Just believe. E-mail me if you can at jess_duda@msn.com. God bless you sweet little :fishy!

[doggie]

:hugonlela:hugoff Don't be hard on yourself girl :sad......I am just like you in that I have all this spirituality and read and consume anything I can on different paths etc. but then I would stall and become consumed by food again:ugh.....I think my stalls are actually healthy because what I was doing amounted to exchanging one compulsive behaviour for another (albeit a much healthier one) when what I need to learn is MODERATION (what a concept :cheesy) Now I am starting to just devote some thought to God whenever He/She crosses my mind each day. A moment of meditation here, a prayer there, a hymn of praise now and again. I am finding this is something I can feel comfortable on a day to day basis cause it feels healthy. I am now going to attempt to do the same thing with my eating habits and my exercise just relax and think moderation.....good luck to us all.....:love :dog

[luby]

:hugon Lela :hugoff
I know how you feel. I feel the same way. I haven't had my eating disorder for an extremely long time, but it seems to me that it was right after I really brought God into my life is when my troubles started. It was the summer of two-thousand that it really started and it was then when I really was becoming a "Jesus Freak". I'd known God all of my life but it wasn't until then that I really started to really get into things. You just have to remember that he is having you face these struggles to make you stronger with him. You are feeling weak with him right now because Satan is at a high with you and he doesn't want you to go back to believing in the only awesome thing there is and ever will be in your life. I've been feeling really down with God lately. Haven't felt like reading my Bible, or praying as much as I usually do. Its a horrible thought, but I've had the same things as you do with the "God wants me to depend on Him instead of the food" thing. He wants and needs you to be healthy though so you can continue to be a witness to His awesome being. If He wouldn't have wanted to eat, He probably wouldn't have put all this food on this earth. I'm probably just rambling here, and making no sense at all, because I don't even know why I am saying half of this stuff to you when I don't even want to put it in my head to think. It's amazing how I can respond to other peoples thoughts, but I can't do it to my own and make them "stick" in my head and believe it myself, ya know what I mean? Well, if you need anything I'm here for ya!! :love

[lela]

Hey fishies! I just wanted to thank you for your support! I'm gonna get thorugh this I think:cheesy!
Lela