lessons in learning to love myself...

[Karenfish]

over the course of the past couple years maybe even the last year ive learned a lot. i have grown up or down or sideways so much that i feel like i could give advice on any subject matter in human existence just because ive been learning about living.
the most number one thing i have learned that i still cant seem to get myself to do is surround myself with people who love themself and who appreciate life and who love life and dont look at all the physical shit.
ive also learned a tremendous amount more than i could ever explain from working with kids. i teach preschool and honest to god those kids have taught me more than i have taught them. they bring out so much in me. kids are so spectacular. they have helped me to survive. the days when i didnt want to wake up when id drive to work balling my eyes out, i would put on a smiley face for them and theyy somehow managed to make me feel worthwhile in this life. oh my kids i wish i could express to you all how much i love them.
because of them i believe in god. when i am doubtful of my reason for living and when i am doubtful that i belong here i am reminded by these children.
(i dont know what this post is about besides babble...there is no point sorry)
all i want to do in this life is dedicate myself to making other people love themselves and be happy. with kids i feel i can. these damn parents dump their kids on me for nine hours a day and i swear to you almost all of them walk away without saying bye and giving hugs and kisses. i hate those parents. i hate them so much. i work in a bad city with a huge percentage of lowincome housing and they come to me because they get free care thru the state or whatever...vouchers. i hate those parents it breaks my heart and i can see it in the childrens faces that it breaks theirs also.
sometimes i think i care too much for these kids. i wish they were my own children so i could show them what a parent is supposed to be like. they come to me starving, freezing, sick, abused, some of them came to me without having even been potty trained or talkking at three and four and five years old! ugh.
anyways sorry there was no point to this post. just passing thoughts.
thanks for listening if u did.
k

[Shuffleboard Queen]

:hugon Karenfish :hugoff

I know what you mean about the sheer joy of children. I babysit for these two wonderful, amazing girls, and they make me remember why I'm still fighting this fight. :edbgone I try to absorb every ounce of joy and wonderment that I can from them. :sun It saddens me to think that somewhere along the way, I lost that joie de vivre. Maybe by being around them, I can remember what it was like when the world was one small miracle after another.

~Carrie

[Karenfish]

thanks for replying to my post.
kids are really great. its been the best wake up call for me .. the best medicine.
every single one of my kids, all ******** of them, have a harder life right now than i have ever had. even as an adult.
they are dealing right now at four or five years old with things im still figuring out how to deal with now at twenty two.
i have these three sisters whose parents are divorcing right now and watching them is like watching a movie of what i know i mustve been like. my parents divorced when i was about three also and i can only imagine what i was like. and then we got parents getting remarried and having affairs and the kids are trying to make sense of it and its so hard. AT MY AGE I CANT MAKE SENSE OF IT!
how do these parents put their kids thru it.
i mean i understand that it happens but sometimes it all couldve been avoided in the first place. argh.
ive put all my energy and everything i have into teaching and it slowly has built me back up. the most wonderful part about it is that i dont have time anymore to be so selfabsorbed like i used to. i care about the kids more than i do about myself and that forces me to forget about my own issues nine hours a day five days a week.
the most important thing i try to do is give these kids enough love so that they know they are lovable and awesome, and so that they know they can do anything and be anything and so that they dont grow up with all the issues that i had.
anyways sorry so long again.
hugs.
k

[Shuffleboard Queen]

:hugon Karenfish :hugoff

I think it's wonderful that you're trying to help these children learn to love themselves. :cute It hurts me, too, when I see parents being mean to their kids at the grocery store and so on. :cry They might have just had a long day, it might not even be their fault sometimes, but I cry on the inside because I know how it hurts. I just want to reach out and hug them. I know it means a lot to all of the children you teach that you truly care.

:love Carrie