Feak
04-03-2003, 06:01 AM
Hmmm... I feel the need to write this, to share... I have a very active visual imagination, which I am using in therapy to help me recovery from the depression and associated things (ED, SI...). I kinda want to share this you other :fishy to see if anyone relates, or maybe some of you could benefit from thinking about this a little... I dunno, I guess I want to write it out to make it clearer for myself too.
This is not like DID or anything, so please don't let people come off with that idea. This is just how I visualise my head and various aspects of myself and my thoughts.
Basically I see my head as kinda like a cloud, with differend colours with different properties, not, like, literally, just metaphorically. Like I said I have a very visual imagination.
There are three colours: Green, red and blue.
.................
:happy The Green :happy
The green is happy. It is joy. It is my personality for the most part. The me that everyone knows and loves. I am excitable, happy, funny, always laughing. It is all fluffy and flowy and free. It moves like a see alive with energy and hapiness.
:mad The Red :mad
The red is "the negative voice" that we ED sufferers often talk about. That nagging bitch that is full of self hatred, that tells you you're worthless, evil... etc. It is red. It is also very compact and concentrated. It has been surpressed, untill it is very tiney, but very powerful. It hates me. It is the driving forse behind the SI. It is a very concentrated ball of self hatred. When something bad happens, when people say a nasty thing, it grows biggers, it expands and contracts and throbs. It is so tiny compared to the green and blue, but it is extreemly potent and powerful.
It likes it best when someone does something bad, then it tells me that it's my fault, that I'm bad, and then it convinces me that I am evil and need to take out the hatred and angar on myself.
:sad The Blue :sad
This is the definition of depression. It is depression, sadness, melancholy, isolation, lonliness, apathy, worthlessness... It is a big foggy sea of nothingness. It is blue. This listens to the red, absorbing everything it says, but it feels no self hatred, as it is too depressed to care anymore. It has acepted it's worthlessness and is just numb.
.................
:fishjump
:rainbow Multicoloured Me :rainbow
:fishjump
My therapist loved my descriptions, and we had a very constructive session talking about it all, and about what I could do it help beat the depression and self hatred. I know that I can find it hard to talk about and describe the way I think, so putting it all into colours and pictures help a lot, as I can visualise it, describe it, then find a way to deal with it. I'm sorry it's all so abstract, I hope you understand what I'm getting at!
Basically, we decided that the red is my hatred and angar turned inwards, as I repress it (to do with childhood, make noice, get locked in room, must be quiet). I also have differculy in expressing my emotions, I often hide behind my Happy Carefree facade. Which of cause is not healthy as feelings need to be delt with, no locked up. Like the red, it's been squeezed down and gotten strong. Basically I need to learn to release the red, in a healthy way. If I'm angry, show it! Shout, screem, don't lock it away so it builds up and turns inwards. I obviously can't just explode so I have to learn to gradually express it.
The red is perfectly healthy. Just not as it is, all squeezed up.
The blue, well, that's also healthy. It's sadness. That's ok. Sadness is part of life. But in sadness there is hope. Once the red gets spread out a bit, the blue will be better, as it feeds off the red.
The green in the real me. The others are hidden and need to be disperced. I am green, red, and blue too. I am human. I just need to mix them up a bit. Experience all emotions. Not bottle them away hidden. So, my aim, to be multicoloured me.
Hope that made some sence!
:love Claire
This is not like DID or anything, so please don't let people come off with that idea. This is just how I visualise my head and various aspects of myself and my thoughts.
Basically I see my head as kinda like a cloud, with differend colours with different properties, not, like, literally, just metaphorically. Like I said I have a very visual imagination.
There are three colours: Green, red and blue.
.................
:happy The Green :happy
The green is happy. It is joy. It is my personality for the most part. The me that everyone knows and loves. I am excitable, happy, funny, always laughing. It is all fluffy and flowy and free. It moves like a see alive with energy and hapiness.
:mad The Red :mad
The red is "the negative voice" that we ED sufferers often talk about. That nagging bitch that is full of self hatred, that tells you you're worthless, evil... etc. It is red. It is also very compact and concentrated. It has been surpressed, untill it is very tiney, but very powerful. It hates me. It is the driving forse behind the SI. It is a very concentrated ball of self hatred. When something bad happens, when people say a nasty thing, it grows biggers, it expands and contracts and throbs. It is so tiny compared to the green and blue, but it is extreemly potent and powerful.
It likes it best when someone does something bad, then it tells me that it's my fault, that I'm bad, and then it convinces me that I am evil and need to take out the hatred and angar on myself.
:sad The Blue :sad
This is the definition of depression. It is depression, sadness, melancholy, isolation, lonliness, apathy, worthlessness... It is a big foggy sea of nothingness. It is blue. This listens to the red, absorbing everything it says, but it feels no self hatred, as it is too depressed to care anymore. It has acepted it's worthlessness and is just numb.
.................
:fishjump
:rainbow Multicoloured Me :rainbow
:fishjump
My therapist loved my descriptions, and we had a very constructive session talking about it all, and about what I could do it help beat the depression and self hatred. I know that I can find it hard to talk about and describe the way I think, so putting it all into colours and pictures help a lot, as I can visualise it, describe it, then find a way to deal with it. I'm sorry it's all so abstract, I hope you understand what I'm getting at!
Basically, we decided that the red is my hatred and angar turned inwards, as I repress it (to do with childhood, make noice, get locked in room, must be quiet). I also have differculy in expressing my emotions, I often hide behind my Happy Carefree facade. Which of cause is not healthy as feelings need to be delt with, no locked up. Like the red, it's been squeezed down and gotten strong. Basically I need to learn to release the red, in a healthy way. If I'm angry, show it! Shout, screem, don't lock it away so it builds up and turns inwards. I obviously can't just explode so I have to learn to gradually express it.
The red is perfectly healthy. Just not as it is, all squeezed up.
The blue, well, that's also healthy. It's sadness. That's ok. Sadness is part of life. But in sadness there is hope. Once the red gets spread out a bit, the blue will be better, as it feeds off the red.
The green in the real me. The others are hidden and need to be disperced. I am green, red, and blue too. I am human. I just need to mix them up a bit. Experience all emotions. Not bottle them away hidden. So, my aim, to be multicoloured me.
Hope that made some sence!
:love Claire