Spakie
07-27-2001, 11:44 PM
:fishy's
I'm in my philosophical mindset tonight....
I'm searching for a better understanding to the soul... my soul.
Do you think that having an ED is the beginning of, or ending to a journey of moving in the direction of one's soul? By this I mean... do we develop our ED because our soul is lost and through this disorder we ultimately are able to find or get back in touch with our deepest soul... or do we lose our soul because we allow our ED to take over in it's place? Maybe these two statements are really the same thing??
My "T" says that I lost touch with my soul; through recovery I must learn to reconnect with my soul. That scares me... what if I don't know how? I've been in my ED state of mind for over twenty years... ALL of my adult life. That makes my soul very hard to uncover and sometimes I am frightened of what I might find.. what if I find that I AM NOT a compassionate, caring and giving person? Because truth be known.. sometimes I am NOT. Sometimes I think I am a martyr. My mom called me that once.. when she was sick and dying... in anger, she told me to stop being a martyr. I didn't even know what that meant, even though I was an adult.
I know someone who fought with their own demons for many, many years. I saw, firsthand, the destructive nature of their lost soul. In a mere two months this person appears, at least outwardly, to have 'found their soul' and have been transformed. The rational side of me does not believe this. Their pattern was too ingrained... I still see some signs that it's not true. I think a big package of denial has been created. But another side of me says... hum.. what if? What if he can find his soul and recover after only two months.. when up until that time he was totally denying he HAD anything wrong with him... and WHAT IF.. through a real journey into recovery, a real push at self-discovery and very real identification of major progress with ED recovery, I am still not able to find my soul? How can my YEAR of true recovery progress not yield what two months of self-help books seem to have done for someone else?
I guess I'm feeling like I should be further along with connecting with MY soul. My "T" tells me to STOP beating myself up. (And says that the above "transformation" I described is more than likely NOT as it appears or as it is being thrown at me.) My "T" says... "you are doing great... you must be patient.. it is a process and you can't undo in a few months what it took a lifetime to create."
I just want to find my soul... I want to know what the REAL me is all about. I want to live again! Or maybe for the first time.
Spakie :dog
I'm in my philosophical mindset tonight....
I'm searching for a better understanding to the soul... my soul.
Do you think that having an ED is the beginning of, or ending to a journey of moving in the direction of one's soul? By this I mean... do we develop our ED because our soul is lost and through this disorder we ultimately are able to find or get back in touch with our deepest soul... or do we lose our soul because we allow our ED to take over in it's place? Maybe these two statements are really the same thing??
My "T" says that I lost touch with my soul; through recovery I must learn to reconnect with my soul. That scares me... what if I don't know how? I've been in my ED state of mind for over twenty years... ALL of my adult life. That makes my soul very hard to uncover and sometimes I am frightened of what I might find.. what if I find that I AM NOT a compassionate, caring and giving person? Because truth be known.. sometimes I am NOT. Sometimes I think I am a martyr. My mom called me that once.. when she was sick and dying... in anger, she told me to stop being a martyr. I didn't even know what that meant, even though I was an adult.
I know someone who fought with their own demons for many, many years. I saw, firsthand, the destructive nature of their lost soul. In a mere two months this person appears, at least outwardly, to have 'found their soul' and have been transformed. The rational side of me does not believe this. Their pattern was too ingrained... I still see some signs that it's not true. I think a big package of denial has been created. But another side of me says... hum.. what if? What if he can find his soul and recover after only two months.. when up until that time he was totally denying he HAD anything wrong with him... and WHAT IF.. through a real journey into recovery, a real push at self-discovery and very real identification of major progress with ED recovery, I am still not able to find my soul? How can my YEAR of true recovery progress not yield what two months of self-help books seem to have done for someone else?
I guess I'm feeling like I should be further along with connecting with MY soul. My "T" tells me to STOP beating myself up. (And says that the above "transformation" I described is more than likely NOT as it appears or as it is being thrown at me.) My "T" says... "you are doing great... you must be patient.. it is a process and you can't undo in a few months what it took a lifetime to create."
I just want to find my soul... I want to know what the REAL me is all about. I want to live again! Or maybe for the first time.
Spakie :dog