My first poem...

[Broken_hearted]

Hi guys,

I have enjoyed reading your poems so much, that I thought I would share mine with you.

It's actually my first poem, so please don't be harsh critics :winky.

I feel so vulnerable right now...but here goes!!


Untitled (for now anyway)

The night creeps in
And my mind is taken hostage
By the endless war raging
I am imprisoned in my nightmares
Alone in the dark
There is no escaping; only fighting
I can’t breathe
The war inside is me against myself
And there is no winner
Freedom only comes with sunlight
But even sunlight burns
If you get too much



Hope you guys like it...I would really love some feedback. The reason why it's so short is because I got stuck! :muhaha

:love Kate

[Catherose]

Hey Kate-
Thanks for letting us read your work! How brave of you!:supergrin

I liked the dark/light theme, and the recurring "war" type words. You really did capture emotion well!:yay

The only suggestion I have:
"The war inside is me against myself"... I would try rewording it... change the word order maybe? Just my idea...

Thanks again for sharing that poem with us! I hope it doesn''t bother you that I suggested something... I just figured that that's what I would have wanted had I posted a poem.

:loveand :gimmehugs-
Catherine

[Broken_hearted]

:gimmehug:hugonCatherine:hugoff:gimmehug

Thanks so much for your post! Thank you also for your suggestion...I was a bit unsure about that line myself, but I'm not sure how to re-word it. I will think it over though.

I really do appreciate your honesty! Thanks again sweet!

:love Kate

[ogmios]

Hi There.
New :bluefishy around.

Hey, nice poem. I really liked it. :yay

I'm not a poet or anything like that. (Well, I like to wirte poetry, but in spanish, since that is my mother language) but I was thinking about the line of "the war inside is me against myself". I came out with some ideas, but most of them where just too crazy or too long. So the best one I could think of was:

"The war I fight is agains my own self".

I don't know if U like it, but that's the best I can come out with for now. Hope it helps. :supergrin

By the way, I'm writing some english portry right now. I'll try to post something when I have a poem I like.

See ya.
"Love everyone, but, on top of that, love yourself"