My Prayer

[BoxingGirl]

Somtimes my life just don't make sense at all
and the mountains look so big
and my faith just seem so small

so hold me Jesus 'cause i'm shaking like a leaf
You have been my King of glory
won't You be my Prince of Peace

and i wake up in the night and feel the dark
its so hot inside my soul i swear there must be blisters on my heart

so hold me Jesus 'cause i'm shaking like a leaf
You have been my King of glory
won't You be my Prince of Peace

surrender don't some natural to me
i'd rather fight You for something i don't really want than take what You give that i need

and i've beat my head against so many walls i'm falling down, falling down on my knees

and the salvation army band is playing this hymn
and Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistence seem so thin

so hold me Jesus 'cause i'm shaking like a leaf
You have been my King of glory
won't You be my Prince of Peace.
Rich Mullins -Hold me Jesus

When i worked at a bible camp five years ago this song touched my soul so deeply. We did a weekly clown service (not normal funny ha ha clowns but liturgical ones) and this song was part of it. We did a liturgical dance to it EVERY SINGLE WEEK and i cried EVERY SINGLE TIME...along with the rest of the staff. In the dance we acted out this song and a number of times i played the victim role...running to Jesus....turning away...crumpling on the ground and having Jesus hold me at the end...I know that it was only acting but it was so real.

Tonight i was sitting here typing out posts on the A/b recovery...contemplating (once again) the idea of giving recovery a shot and "Hold Me Jesus" came on to the radio and it just seemed so surreal. There is only one other song that evokes so much emotion in me and that is "i'll lead you home" by micheal w smith. but that is awhole nother post
I am at a point in my life and maybe in my recovery where i am trying to decide what i belive...what i truly believe....and not what i've been indoctrined to belive and sometimes it seems that God has away of just putting things in the right place. I never listen to the radio at my house I always listen to secular CD's and I belive that there was some reason that i forgot my CD case in my car and was to lazy to go out and get it tonight so i happened to flip on the radio...the Christian station was set on the dial...had i not left it on that station the last time i used the radio...ages ago...i would have listened to whatever was on but "sometimes in life things don't make sense at all"
I am slowly begining to realize that everything happens for a reason...even dealing with this horrible ed is part of a bigger picture somewhere. Most of the time i just get angry at God for giving me this insidious disease...but maybe, just maybe i am entering the acceptance phase of things. hmmm

anyway I've never posted on this board before but tonight i felt the need to contemplate these things 'out loud' hoping that someone will just underastand what i am going through

:peace
-BoxingGirl

[purple_tao]

:hugon BoxingGirl :hugoff

I've heard the name Rich Mullins, but I'm not familiar with any of his work. When I was reading those lines, I thought maybe it was a poem you had written about your ED. Quite the beautiful song :bounce !! Like you, most of the time I listen to secular music, but once in a while, I turn on the Christian radio station or pull out some of my Christian music. While listening to these, I gotta wonder, "why don't I listen to this schtuff more often?" The lyrics are usually more encouraging and uplifting, eh?!

I also get angry at God for putting me through the horrors of an eating disorder (and SI). WHY WHY WHY my constant cry....... But, also like yourself, I believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I always wonder, tho, couldn't I have learned "this lesson" some other way?

Come join us more often, my fellow Wisconsinite :yay

:peace

[Pella]

:hugonBoxingGirl:hugoff
I too believe in the divine theory that everything happens for a reason. That God has His hand in everything that touches and effects my life. I must do the work, but He is there to oversee, validate,guide and comfort me. If I let Him.

What often drives me crazy is trying to get the clear perspective before its time?!
I can tell you that just from sheer experience and years.....and going through a lot of "stuff" in my life, that there always is something to learn from... out of every situation. We don't always know why things are happening the way they are? Why did I go down the path of an eating disorder? How is this circumstance going to work into the larger scheme of things?
I just can't find the meaning of it today. But I know hindsight will clarify things with perspective if I open my eyes to see it further down the road. I've been told all things work out for the good in our lives. So I've got to trust that to happen and not always try to figure everything out. Trust.
Love beth :sun:love