usual head stuff

[mwkat]

Hey :hugon fishies :hugoff !

Its been a while since i've posted here..mainly since i've been quite busy. It seems as though my ed is in "remission" as you call it. I've been eating normal for probably three to four weeks. Good I know. I feel like just venting/pouring thoughts out tonight..so bear w/ me! haha

I used to be scared of eating food, now I'm not, it seems like a NORMAL thing..in a way. I am still watching what i eat, and I am always thinking of how much I weigh or if I should eat this or eat that. However, I still eat. I end up thinking...oh well, I'll catch up on my goal later. I had been tricked earlier in the week also by my scale :mad evil thing..yet i love it..how strange. It showed me as being fifteen pounds lighter than i was. :happy I was soo happy that morning. Yet, i found out that it was WRONG! Big self-esteem drop there. I am still eating normal however some of my habits are still here.

I think the only reason why I am eating normal and not purging is because my mom had confronted me about it and did it more than once..which worried me. So, I paniced and started eating like a normal teen. Though, in my head I have already found myself planning to make up for lost time by hardly eating on my **** week vacation away from my parents. :bounce :yay that should be so much fun. I am looking forward to it and to the time that I'll be able to make up for pigging out on food. Which tells me that I'm not completely over it..even though I think i am. So many times I think, "oh! I dont' have a problem because I'm eating normal." I still don't know if I truly want to get help or to make the conscience effort to stop this. Deep inside me I know that I still want to continue with this ed. I don't know why that is but maybe its because i'm afraid of things changing or maybe because I feel VERY worthless.

Does anyone understand this? (probably..) why did i even ask that?!

I think thats about all of it...haha. Though, you never know. :cute
I'm a little confused at the moment..I just feel like listening to music..
I am not quite sure where I want to go from here..
:notes ~Don't get left Behind~ V*enna :notes

:love
mwkat

*hugs* i love you guys! its so easy to just...talk here. :****)

[ParrotHead]

I'm so glad that you have been doing so well. It is a very slow process for the thoughts to go away, and you have to continue to fight it. I went several years without having a problem with it and now I'm doing it again. I guess because things in my life aren't going well and not working out thhe way I want them to. Please continue your progress!! What have you been doing differently the past month that has helped you?? Maybe your mother can help you in some way since she knows about it. Take Care,
Parrot

[lillileigh]

honey,
i hate to say it but your ed is far from gone. they just dont go away. they dupe into thinking that it's over but it always comes back. i've been struggling for nine years and mine has waxed and waned over time. i think that help and therapy would be an enormous help to you. even if you know you're not ready to give it up perhaps it will give you a little more insight into yourself and make you stronger. the reason an ed never goes away on its own, is that it's not about your body. your body is just something you focus on to take your mind off of other things that hurt or to deal with stress. that's thewhole idea behind distorted body image. these severyly underweight girls thing that they're huge b/c they imagine their baggage as fat. it also is control...and more. point being. cross my heart...your ed had little if any pertenace to the way you look. you must look deaper into yourself. the only way to do that is through guided therapy. you CANT fix it yourself. TRUST ME. best of luck to you :pinkfishy! all my fishy love. you can fight this! ask for help. maybe from your mom. ask for therapy. it will help more than i can ever tell you. it's ok to ask for help we cant do everything. :love :kiss
:starsali:stars

[cemmhs]

:hugon mwkat :hugoff
:bowtie Congrats! For doing so well for the last few weeks!! I hope you realize the good that you are doing your body and mind by not b/p ing. Please don't stop! You're :kick ing this ed, I would hate to see you slide back in the cycle!!
I know it seems wierd to go for so long without purging. I have gone for nine days and it amazes me. I think to myself...what is the harm if I b/p just once...but isn't that what got you to be bulimic in the first place. Learn from what you are doing. If you have any tips for having the willpower to go for three to four weeks b/p free? Please share them if you do b/c I need all the help I can get and so do we all. It is such an accomplishment.
How did you get your ed? To lose weight? Are you gaining weight w/o b/p ing? I found that you don't, so I think to myself...why would I want to put myself through that again...and I can get through another day.
Just please be careful with your parents out of town. Restricting leads to bingeing many times and you know what that leads to...
You'll be stuck right back where you were before. Find healthy habits...start exercising...talk to a counselor...hang out with friends...anything to prevent you from slipping back into your ed!
Take care of You!!
claire
:love :love :love :love :love :love :love

[mwkat]

hey :fishy 's !
Claire-

I don't know how I have gone three weeks w/out b/p. I think mainly it was because my mom had approached me two times and scared me. My biggest fear was to have my mom find out of course. So, instead I started eating normal. Plus..I got sick of purging all the time. It gets to be a real pain after you do it for months. :mad

I'm thinking about my past...trying to figure out when I ever got my ed. hmm..well I think my "mental" problems started the end of two-thousand school year. My family was having major problems w/ my brother who had just graduated. The didn't get along at all. It was bad. I remember one night coming home from practice and hearing that my dad and my brother had gotten into a fist fight.
Then my brother told us that he had been smoking for **** years. Which, was a huge surprise...(my brother basically was living a double life) I ended up getting very depressed. I knew that there was something wrong. So, I looked up articles on depression. I guess you could say a few times I somewhat hit bottom. I started "experimenting'' with cutting..got out of that though. :yay my mom confronted me..and I denied ..(see a pattern here?!)

I got better through summer..then first year of highschool started. It was a NIGHTMARE. my grades fell..my self-esteem plumeted...i was a wreck..i felt soo much pressure. By April..it started..Finals week. I didn't eat..I was scared to eat..then from then on I have gone back and forth between anorexia and bulimia. I have tried cutting again..but i stopped it again. And its just getting worse..I hate my parents now. We just don't get along and I feel like I am alone in the family since everythings my fault. :sad :cry
OK..

Well..there's my life story it seems lol
i'm supposed to have a positive in here right?

:yay I'm getting an acoustical guitar! :yay
go me...:notes lol haha
seeya

:love
mwkat

[lillileigh]

hey hon!
i read my last post and i realized that i sounded pretty grim. let me first congradulate you on for even having the courage to be in our community. it takes a lot of guts to even admit to yourself that you might have a reason to come to this site. i think it's fantastic that you are here with us and i look forward to seeing your around the :bowl! as for that whole what could be causing my ed thing, i think it's phenomenal that you examined what else was going on in your life! it's no surprise that you find emotional trauma in the times when your ed shows it's nasty head. my guess is that if your dad and your brother got into a fist fight there are some pretty serious problems underlying in your family. why would your bro need a double life if his family life at home was good? not to tear apart your fam of course, b/c we all love our fam. but, lord knows mine has it's problems...let's just say i can RELATE. the hardest thing about this whole thing, especially when you are still young and home with the 'rents, is that you have to tell them in order to get your help. that's a huge step...and not an easy one. i finally ended up breaking down my senior year in high school. and the only reason i told my mom was to punish myself. sick huh? it was like i didnt even care anymore i thought i was so worthless that i figured i'd let her know what ELSE sucked about me. it's not an easy road to take; i won't lie to you. but, you have to realize that your're not just playing with matches it's sorta like a gasolene in a bonfire type situation. ed's are serious. mine has taken so much away from me. nine long long years. if you can bring yourself to it, try and seek help. even if you try to find a way to start doing it on your own. like your guidance counselor.... it's not much, but it's a start. if you can nip this thing in the bud now, before it takes more of your life away the better. not only will professional help help fight your symptoms it will help you to live your life so that you are happy with it. it'll help you deal with your family and the pressure of high school. my freshman year was really tough too. in fact, they all were pretty miserable. i look back at high school and think about it and want to cry, not only b/c of the painful memories that it brings back but the lost time. i never had the true happy high school experience. i was too busy being perfect and killing myself in the process. point being, i beg of you sweetheart stop this now while you still can. you lose so much when an ed comes into your life. and you, like every other fishy here deserve so much more. :kiss you can do it! i have faith in you. feel free to email me or im me anytime. leigh************@hotmail.com or lillileigh (aol instant messenger) much :pinkfishy:love!

:kiss:kiss:kiss
:starsali:stars

oh, and if you do go for help, make sure you get good vibes from whomever you see. and, try to find someone who specializes in ed's or at least has a lot of experience with them. i have also learned that men aren't the easiest to relate to!:love

:singing:bandwagon:singing
i am a pixie.
i am a paper doll.
i'm a cartoon.
i'm a chipper happy free for all,
and i light up the room.
i am the color me happy girl.
miss. live and let live.
and when they're out for blood,
i always give.
:bandwagon
at the end of this tunnel of guilt and shame
there must be a light of some kind
give me a light of some kind
i need a light of some kind
:bandwagon

:singing~ani difranco

[lillileigh]

oh yeah, those star thingies that's three nine three in numbers in my email adress
:kiss
ali