What IS low self-esteem?

[Carriej]

Hello!

I'm new to this part of the :bowl .

I've always known that my self-esteem isn't where it should be and have only just begun exploring the reasons for it.

I read KelleyKate's post about perfection and I've been thinking about it a little bit.

I've always thought that if I could run away to a deserted spot, I could finally relax and be myself. I wouldn't care about what I looked like or how I acted. It honestly wouldn't make a difference. It seems my problem is worrying about being judged harshly.

So this leads to my question: Apparently, I strive for perfection (but will never achieve it :ugh ) in order to gain the acceptence of other people. Is that the case with most people who have low self-esteem problems? Or are the majority of people dissatisfied with themselves even when they are alone?

What IS low self-esteem, anyhow? And how can a person possibly correct it?

Thanks for letting me throw out all of these questions here. I'm determined to someday be the self-confident person most people think I already am! :winky

[*star]

:hugoncarrie:hugoff
carrie dear! can i point something out?

Apparently, I strive for perfection (but will never achieve it :ugh ) in order to gain the acceptence of other people

how can we strive for something that doesnt exist? :winky and think about all the people you know closely and :love very much. you know all their qualities and flaws and accept them regardless, so why should you need to be "perfect" for them to accept you? they already :love you as you are! youre a WONDERFUL :fishy and theres so much about you to :love. the only way to get over low self esteem is to see yourself for you really are, a beautiful and super-sweet person! :supergrin take care i :love ya babe..

[Pella]

:hugonCarrie:hugoff
You can read all sorts of books and listen to all kinds of tapes about how to develop self-esteem. I've done that. But you know what? It's such a personal journey. And I've learned more about self-esteem in recovery from the ed than I ever have in books. This is real stuff. So I will tell you a little bit about how self-esteem has grown for me.

I used to wake up in the mornings with this hollowed out pit in my stomach. Never could put my finger on just why? Those horrendous feelings upon awakening?? After I started recovering, I came to think it was because I just didn't like myself very much. I was so ashamed of the ed and it's effects on my life.....doubled with denial on my part for so long. I even think it was kind of a subconscious thing for awhile?

For me....the hardest part of ed recovery has now been learning to like/love myself. I was so habitually critical and harsh towards myself....sometimes without realizing it! Now I see where I've been, and how far I've come in terms of being more gentle with myself. By not liking myself....I was just perpetuating all the neglect and abuse I got from important people in my life when I was growing up.
I realize now it's over![/b]
It's my choice and I can get over it. I can move on with my life, stop that pattern and give myself the respect I deserve!
I've made a commitment to take care of myself, and by doing that I've opened myself up to loving others so much better. And the beauty of that is.....it all comes back(the love:love) to me in such a blessed way! That empty feeling...that everyone else has a life....but not me.... is going away now. I wake up in the morning and feel REAL and look for a challenge. Self-esteem is just placing a high value on yourself and really believing it! :grin (even if you have to fake it til you make it)
Love beth :sun

[silly]

low self esteem.. i hate it. i have my good days and my bad days. sometimes i wonder what the point is in worrying what other people think about me. I know i'm not perfect and i really don't try to be. i think i've been slowly building my self esteem up by understanding that i don't know everything and that i will learn along the way. it's okay not to be the smartest and that i just have to trust my gut. i'm not stupid but i'm not bill gates. (hey even he started at the bottom.) i look okay, i'm in good health and i have lots of wonderful family members. i just have to remind myself of all this everyday.

[Carriej]

:hugon Trish :hugoff I know, I know. :ugh :winky I really need to learn to accept myself, but I just don't know how to go about doing that. It's true that I accept other people for their flaws, but for some reason, I just can't figure out how to accept my own flaws. You make a great point: How can we strive for something that doesn't exist? It's only going to drive me crazy! It's always good to hear from you!

:hugon Beth :hugoff YES! YES! I often wake up with that hollow feeling. I remember when I was much younger (and much harder on myself) my hands would actually shake as I got ready for the day. I hated what I saw in the mirror THAT MUCH! :ugh You mentioned now that you take care of yourself, you're feeling happier. May I ask what you're doing to feel that way? I just don't know where to begin. Looking in a mirror and telling myself "You're beautiful. You're a good person...etc." just seems silly and won't help much. I try to be kinder toward myself and it does help a little, but I wish with all my heart to be more confident. Thanks for your help, Beth. You're always so kind.

:hugon Silly :hugoff It sounds like you're making progress in your self-esteem. THAT'S what I want! :supergrin The problem is I KNOW I'm not perfect (far from it) but I just have a hard time accepting that. When is "good enough" - good enough? You're so right; dealing with low self-esteem is the pits. It can be so tiring at times. Thanks for the encouragement. It's good to know that there IS hope!

[butterflymom]

Self esteem is such a biggie for all of us! For me, low self esteem has manifested itself in a total lack of respect for myself and lack of trust in my inner wisdom. I have learned a lot in terms of exercising outward esteem - not compromising myself for others, being honest about what i need and want and expect from others. the hard thing for me has been my inward self esteem - treating myself with respect and being honest with myself. that part is not so easy. I think that all people question themselves at times, the difference for us is that we obsessively question ourselves and define ourselves based on external sources (ie. the media), so we have no concept of who we are. Defining who we are is one of the biggest mountains of recovery, but also one of the most rewarding to climb!:peace

[Chriszgirl]

:stars Carrie :stars WEll, welcome to this part of the :bowl! Well, low self esteem is when you feel worthless and insecure in ways that you are so hard on yourself and you just can't any good about yourself.....i know thats only part of it....but i have it really bad! It comes from my childhood to an abusive experince in my past.....i lost my relationship with my father and that doesn't help it! I too strive for perfectionism.....but there is no such thing! But, in my mind it is! I guess we all have a certain way we wanna look or act or be....the hardest part about loving yourself is excepting you for you...i always want to be better...my t asks me why isn't ME good enough...and i think it's b/c i never felt good enough .....from nt measuring up to my sister or watching my dad turn his back on me or losing the absolut. :love of my life! Things get added up and start getting you down eventually.....but i have so many positive things and blessing s in my life.....i am working on me! I appear to be strong and bold.....but underneath it all, i'm total opposite ! Well, good :clover and i hope you find :peace within yourself......i know once you love you.....you will care less about others opinions! Take Care :angel

[PeanutDuck]

Dear Carrie,

I have that same dream--out in the middle of nowhere, peace, utter peace and until I read your post I never saw that as a reflection of my fear of judgement. I know I fear judgement but I never thought that fantasy refplected that! Thanks for that insight!

I know low self esteem is present when it prevents me from doing things I want to do but I say I CAN'T. I can't do this or I can't do that. Most of the time I CAN'T because other people will think badly or will laugh at me. After so long of having little esteem in myself and my abilities, it's almost second nature in that I am unable to discern normal trepidation from putting myself down.

I keep telling myself, what other people think about me is none of my business. And if they have a problem with me then it only reflects their own problems. And I'm talking about normal stuff--if people think I'm being mean, then that isn't something good about me...Hmm...NOT too sure how to explain that.

I tell myself however I am is fine. I am fine right now. What other poeple think about me is not important as long as I am satisfied with who I am. And we can't use other people's opinions of ourselves as measures b/c there are a bazillion people out there all with different opinons of us if they stopped to think about it. So what do we get? A bazillion different opinions of how we should be! Talk about confusion!

If I catch myself judging myself harshly, I stop and try to turn that into a positive or I go, well what am I REALLY thinking and WHY am I putting myself down right now?

I'm trying to believe that most people don't waste their time judging me. B/c to judge someone takes time and it takes energy and most peole would rather use that energy for something else. I know I don't spend much time judging people so why should I believe they spend their time judging me? I spend more time judging and comparing myself.

Most people, as perfect as they seem on the outside, have their little foibles, just like us. I try to remember that if I say, oh she's got it all together and look at me....

I haven't yet started to leap out of bed with joy yet. I more stumble and hope that the day will get better from there. But I tell myself, Today will be a great day!

Changing self esteem requires challenging and being honest with yourself. Doing somthing you've been afraid of. Notice when you are judging yourself.

You will get there! One day we all will! I hope!

squishy fishy hugs,
peanut

[Pella]

:hugonCarrie:hugoff
You asked what I do to "take care of myself?"
Well....like yourself I find it hard to do those exercises like looking in the mirror and saying "I love you!" to myself!! :grin
I've worked the "as if" and the "fake it till you make it" philosophy. And it does work....but it takes time and time and time.

The thing that has helped me the most to "take care of myself" has been to take care of others. Not in a codependent, overly care-giving way. But in a "not think about myself----help YOU out kind of way." I used to be very self-centered and focused on MY ambitions, my life, goals and pleasures. I'm not implying that is bad.....It's just my measuring rod was out of kilter.

There are so many degrees....but just even participating in some daily details OUTSIDE of ourselves really boosts the confidence and self-esteem. It's a gradual thing. One day you wake up and don't have that hollow, depressed pit in your stomach. I always look forward to Thursday mornings because I go hang out with a bunch of little old ladies who live at an assisted living center. It started out five years ago as "volunteering" with my dog. Now I truly feel like they "take care of me!" They've become some of my closest friends. And because somewhere in there....they've contributed to helping with self-esteem. :happy
Love beth :sun:love

[silly]

you know what i think is so funny. i have self esteem when i'm alone and by myself but as soon as i'm in a crowd all that self esteem just goes flying out the window. I wonder why that is. why can't i be the same person in crowd that i am when i'm on my own??

:canada silly :canada

[Carriej]

:hugon :butterfly mom :hugoff
:hugon Chriszgirl :hugoff
:hugon Peanut Duck :hugoff :squish
:hugon Beth :hugoff
:hugon Silly :hugoff

Last night, I was finishing up nice big replies to each of you when AOL decided there hadn't been enough on-line activity and booted me out. I lost everything! :ugh

I don't have much time today or this weekend, but wanted to let you know how much I appreciated each of your responses. You've given so much to think about and ways to deal with the low self esteem. THANK YOU! You're such wonderful people.

If I get a chance, I'll respond more personally on Monday. Have a great weekend!

[jadefox]

Carrie

Looking in the mirror and saying "I'm beautiful" isn't silly at all. That was the only thing that got me through. I would look at myself, be disgusted, and still say it. And I wouldn't want to say it, it would feel like I was lying to myself, but I had already decided that I had to.

I would have arguments with myself: Normal Me, trying to tell myself how ugly I was, and Recovering Me who put her foot down and wouldn't hear it. I would cry and hit things, and now when I look back I am shocked at how strong Recovering Me was to get through all that and keep fighting. I didn't know I had that in me, before I started.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, things that seem corny usually... are corny, but that doesn't mean they're bad. No one's looking if you feel stupid talking to yourself, I promise. Good luck with all of this.

Bethe :nose