Anyone like me?? Share your background too!

[ninakapina]

Hey everybody. Just want to share a little about me & my feelings. I can't beleive I've become this way.

The thing that's wierd is that no one, I mean absolutely nobody, would ever suspect or believe that I have an e/d. I mean if I did tell anyone, I'm sure he/she would beleive me, but I just can't and don't want to. Sometimes I do wish I had someone real to talk to about it, but I'm not ready yet. For now, the :bowl is good.

I've always been pretty laid-back. Like I never get nervous about things or uptight. People see me as a laid-back easy-going type of person. Is this the typical person w/ an e/d? Anyway, this last week, I've been thinking. My mom always was very nervous and had depression etc. Maybe I've always tried to make myself seem easy-going to NOT be like her.

I never wanted to be like her in that way, nervous & depressed. Last year my husband said I was clenching my teeth at night & the dentist said that was a sign of stress which I didn't think I had (Or I was trying to hide..?) So now I'm thinking that this e/d is a sign of my underlying stress or anxiety that I've always tried to deny and hide. But sometimes I don't know why I do it.

Anway, I'm not the lonely type, I'm not withdrawn, just the typical lady I guess. I've read that the typical person w/ an e/d is lonely and afraid to keep friendships, but that's NOT me. I don't think. I'm pretty, average weight, an athletic build. I've always disliked my muscular legs. In high school, I was a cheerleader and very involved in sports and clubs. Also involved in organizations in college. My e/d didn't really start until the end of college.

My mother always emhasized my appearance, clothes, make-up etc. My mom and I would argue about what I was going to wear to school, even in high school. Anyway I'll never tell about my e/d because she'd probably take some blame and be even more depressed than she is.

Is anyone out there like me? Please tell your backgrounds, whether like mine or different.

[Tobey]

Hey Nina - good topic! I like to hear other people's stories as well. I have been anorexic/bulimic for almost twenty years. Hard to believe. When I started I intended it to be a temporary thing that I would quit as soon as I reached such and such a weight. Of course that goal kept dropping. I was hospitalized at onee time and since then have managed to keep my weight high enough to lead a pretty normal life. I have a couple people in my life that know. One is a friend from highschool that struggled with bulimia in high school, my exhusband who was great support and my current boyfriend who is fabulous. I think there are other people who suspect, but have never brought it up.

One interesting sidepoint is that I have a sister who is bulimic and my grandmother is anorexic ( even though that word has never been used, it has always been very obvious to me).

When my husband left me a year and a half ago, I was absolutely devasted and of course my e/d kicked in full force. After a great deal of pain, therapy, and introspection, I am determined to be free of this monster. I am so glad to have this board and the support of all the :pinkfishy ies here. I think I am the healthiest ( mentally and physically) I have been in years. I would encourage you to talk to someone about it. It is a big burden lifted from your shoulders and I think you will find they will not be as horrified as you are afraid. There is so much more education and publicity now which I think is great.

I have a dog, a cat, and until recently, horses.

Anyone else?!

Mary

[ParrotHead]

Hey Nina,

Could the fact that you say you are laid back be because you have numbed yourself?? Mant times with our problem it is a way for us to numb ourselves even more and cope with our lives. No I don't thinkl people would know I had an ED by being around me. I'm not underweight at all. I have been though when I went through an ED the first time.

The first time I went through anorexia then staarted the purging after hospitalization so everyone wouldn't find out. Then I finally got better for a few years now I'm here again.

As for being social I am much more isolated this time around. Last time I lived in my home town and had many friends. My husband and I moved to a new state and I got used to being lonely, gained some weight, and the rest is history. And it all started over again.

As for my mother she is also very nervous, anxious, etc. Never has admited to any depression though. She is very controlling, rigid, insecure, hostile, and just plain bitchy!!!

Just a guess here, but I think you could be holding in your feelings and numbing yourself. If you weren't holding these feelings in then you probably wouldn't be purging. I'm guessing youprobably have some underlying anger at your mom. No matter how laid back you feel there is definitelly something going on deep inside if you are purging!! Could you be laid back in attempt to people please or fool others that you are okay?? I know I sure do pretend that I am fine in front of others because it is just so hard.

What about seeing a counselor?? I had to make myself, but now I'm glad I did because she is the only person I talk to about this and it's good to get it out. And I come here too!!! This is a HIDDEN problem that makes us hide even more and even mask our true selves. I still am confused about who I am. I feel like I have no identity. I guess when I have this problem I am numb and I tend to lose myself. The more I do it the more I isolate and I isolate because I do it. So I feel stuck.

So hang in there. Believe me you do have feeling inside of you that you are running from. Take Care and E-mail if you need anything!! lexiblake@hotmail.com

Parrot

[ninakapina]

Thanks do much Tobey and Parrot. Your points and words are important to me.

Parrothead, I think you're right about what you said about my feelings. Thanks.

"nina"

[Pella]

:hugonNinaKapina:hugoff
Wow...VERY interesting thread!
Like Tobey I've dealt with b/ping for twenty years. In serious recovery now for the last three months, I have looked deeply into the "whys?" My mother was a lot like Parrot's.....rigid, controlling, insecure, nervous etc...She was also a model for John Robert Powers for many years. There was this unspoken ideal for perfection always hovering around me when growing up. I agree that we often numb out our feelings with the ed. I've come to the conclusion that's how I used it to "deal." Now I have some explosive feelings including anger, loneliness, boredom and frustration coming up. But, on the other hand.....I'm experiencing a joy, empowerment, a strength and healthy attitude I didn't have before recovery. Thanks Nina, Parrot and Tobey for the insights. Love beth:sun

[mootopia]

I haven't been in this scenario for as long as it seems alot of you have.. hearing this kind of thing scares me; I'm not sure I would have the strength to deal with this for twenty years!!

I'm not sure when or how exactly this started. In high school I never even gave a thought to how I looked or how much I weighed. I went abroad, and laughed at myself when I saw that I got a little rounder like the average exchange student did.. came back and it was no big deal.. people told me I gained weight, but I never understood why they'd even need to remark. I knew lots of people that gained weight, so what? First year of university I put on the freshman f.. well.. u know the number.. still it didn't bother me at all. Except that from time to time my family members would tease me about my bottom. I never took it to heart though. The perfectionism in my family was more related to academics and servitude more than aesthetics. Nevertheless it was stressful in my family, and I didn't really have any close relationships with any of my family members.. I had only my friends, but even with them I didn't feel as though I could constantly confide.. perhaps it was because I had to move so often as a child and I was afraid that if I revealed everything about myself, that soon after I would have to move again and then all that for nothing.

Then I went to France. And I'm not sure how or why, but it was there that my self image began to swell up. I had a few friends there that I hung out with and they were always into fashion magazines and talking about going on diets. I thought it was silly at first, but then I started comparing myself, first to them and then to their magazines. Of course, being around little petit french women I really got self-conscious, especially at mealtimes with my host family when I finally realized they were staring when I was eating like normal but they were used to eating slow and having a conversation at the same time. And when there would be chocolates for the guests and they'd say they were for everyone, me included, but they still gave me a funny look when I accepted. I really got self-conscious. Finally I decided I was getting too big. That was the first time I ever got rid of a meal in private. It started without the binges.. those didn't come until months later.

The funny thing was I was taking a psychology course in the next year, and reading about psychological disorders and really looking into what I had. I thought it would have changed me but it didn't. Even though I learned alot about bulimia it didn't really change me at all. And now it doesn't seem like a weight issue for me anymore. I don't really criticize what I look like except when I'm really really really in the dumps, but yet the b/p's happen alot just because I'm lonely or depressed or sometimes it seems like I get started for no reason whatsoever. It's become such a habit that it lost the requirement for a cause!!

It's ironic how I'm always preaching the positivities of life and trying to put across the image of being confident and helpful and having an open and educated mind. I guess intellect doesn't really have any parallels with a sense of self-security. What I still feel a lack in is love, by this I mean true love I could depend on that will remain constant.. but that seems more than I'll ever be able to ask for..

(***Perhaps that might be a reason I've always had a lifelong affinity for animals, specifically dogs.. they always seem to be there for me no matter what.. I never have to worry about them getting defensive or being judgmental!! :) ***)

The worst part is, now that I finally decided to reach out (anonymously.. I'm still not ready to tell anyone I know; not even my best friends) and find a support group (and I'd only accept to a group, I think one-on-one counselling would be too indimidating at this stage), I called up and was told the current group's full until next year. Where I'm living there aren't a whole lot of options for support here, except of course this online support. Although I'm not really pro-technology these days, if there's anything I'm glad for it's the anonymity the internet offers, and the connections I could make that I wouldn't be able to otherwise.

Thanx for being there!!

-Moo

[cemmhs]

Wow!
Great topic!
It is amazing to hear everyone's stories. They are all different yet we all share a common bond.
:hugon Pella :hugoff and :hugon Tobey :hugoff you seem to have amazing courage to be fighting this for so long. You are inspiration that anyone can :kick this!
I am a very normal person I think. I have a very busy social life and a lot of wonderful friends. I love to have fun! I love to be active. I have always been a runner and active in sports and working on a farm.
Unfortunately perfectionism kicks in and controls my life. I am expected to get nothing less than A's (not easy in college!), be in perfect shape, etc. I have been modeling for seven years but only have had bulimia for one, since I have not been working as much.
It is the hardest thing in the world to tell anyone that you have this sort of problem. I just do not want anyone to judge me by this, to think of me and then think of a girl who has an ed.
Plus, many people from my hometown were not necessarily jealous of me, but always commented to me about how I needed to gain weight. I have always been very tall and thin, plus I have usually been fairly health concious my entire life. The way gossip flies in my small town, everyone would know five minutes later. Its not that they would pity me, but they would assume that I have always been that way and that is not the case! They would say "i thought so" or "figures" I would just rather that no one know besides a select few.
Everyone is such a deeper person than just being bulimic, so I don't agree that you should shout it from the rooftops that you have an ed, because you should be loved for who you are and who you are to become. It is important that you tell someone...there is nothing worse than harboring a secret like this..it will only get worse! Counseling is wonderful. I try and pretend that I don't have a problem. At couseling even, I just carry on a conversation and then when we talk about the ed...I'm like "what ed?" I try and forget about it and that is not stopping it! I don't know why, but I cringe to think about admitting to others what goes on in the secret life that I lead. That is really not who I am.
I swallow hard when everyone comments on me gaining a few pounds, that I look a lot healthier...I feel like screaming "but I am the most unhealthy that I have ever been!!"
I am fortunate that I realized my problem before serious sideeffects set in. There is so much that can go wrong...i wished I would have thought of that before I ever purged for the first time.
I just feel guilty, because so many people have such worse problems than me! I feel selfish for suffering so.
Journaling helps a lot, especially if your e/d is stress related. It helps to write everything down to help you relax and sleep at night. Thanks :hugon Nina :hugoff for your story. It relates to so many people! There is no one set background or reason that people suffer from bulimia!
Good luck in your recovery!
We'll all :kick this together!
claire

[razzledazzle]

Wow fishies well i guess it is true that we all do share similar characteristics.

Like you Nina my mother is very nervous, anxious, and often depressed. it too have always prided myself on NOT becoming her. therefore i give off the persona of being extremely laid back and care free. no one i know would ever guess that i had an e/d!

but i think parrot is very perceptive when she says that we may numb ourselves. i constantly feel as if my mind is racing and i cant settle. i feel as if i am never fulfilled but do not want the world to know. this often leads to episodes of b/p where everything seems so bottled up, i just need a release.

i dont really know when this all started. i went to an all girls high school where everyone around me seemed "perfect" from their clothing to their hair to their slender figures to their huge houses.. i always felt like such a disgrace. i never feel good enough. i never ever was self conscious about the way i looked until my junior year of high school. i didnt even think about losing weight until i became a senior.

i was never over or underweight. i would say i am pretty average. but i felt huge when my doctor weighed me my senior year and the number was larger than expected. i went into a state of panic. i started going to the gym and restricting a bit. i lost a substantial amount of weight, but i never purged.

i had a very rocky freshman year of college. i drank too much and got myself into trouble and into the hospital because of it. i was date raped by my boyfriend's best friend. i came home for the summer and instead of getting proper therapy started obsessing about my weight. this is when b/p started.

it has been on and off since then. two years ago at college i stopped for almost the whole year but i became depressed. i began cutting and had a close to death experience. it was then that i went into some intensive therapy.

i would like you all to know that there is a way out. though i know i still have an e/d, i also know there is a brighter side of life. i realize that food will never fill any sort of void i feel deep within myself. that comes from making connections with wonderful people and accepting ourselves for who we are...beautiful people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks for the thread :hugon nina :hugoff and remember that you deserve self expression.

:love
RAZZ

[ninakapina]

Wow! Thanks everyone - Pella, Moo - (for your story about going away to France) And thanks Cemmhs for the journaling idea and for your story!; I love writing. Also thank you razzle: sounds like you've been through a lot especially in college. I was sad to read that.

Like you all said, we can get through this no matter why or what causes for our ed. That isn't importnant as we are all trying to recover, but the fact is that it is good for us to share our pasts, thoughts about WHY?, and the honesty.

If you haven't shared yet, please do!! :rat

:rat :fishjump :rat

[MidnightAM]

Nina --

It's really comforting to know that I'm not the only one that lives with an ed. Reading the stories on this post and on others gives me courage and hope, things that are often hard to come by.

I am new to the :bowl, so I figured that this might be a good time, and way, to introduce myself.

I don't ever remember not thinking about my weight. There was a time when I can remember eating french fries and pizza, but I don't know when it was. All the worry and fear came to a head in my freshman year of college when I lose the weight I hated so much. As my weight fell, my parents and friends began to notice, and doctors visits and therapy ensued. But I wasn't ready to get better yet.

I sympathize with you all concerning controlling mothers. I can still remember the sound of my mom's voice as she screamed at me for having this disease, yelling "why?" at the top of her lungs. I have four brothers and sisters, and I was supposed to be the good child, the one with good grades and a bright future. But I was (and still am) so afraid of gaining weight.

Eventually I did gain, but that's when the purging began. I had been dating my boyfriend for about a year then, in a relationship that I now see was very unhealthy. Finally I worked up the courage to tell him about my problem, and he seemed very understanding. But soon it turned into something that we referred to as "being bad." When I ate so much and then vomitted it up, it was "bad." And he didn't want to think about it. But I couldn't help it. My weight was something I could control.

Eventually I seemed to get better. If I never stopped purging, then I at least didn't do it so often. Then, a few weeks before we'd been together two years, my boyfriend decided he didn't want a serious relationship, and that he didn't love me anymore. And the ed came back.

Now I have a new boyfriend. He's been a great friend for the past three years, and he knows a lot about me. But he doesn't know about this, and I really don't know how to tell him. I'm so afraid he'll think I'm gross, or weak. He doesn't understand the strength it takes to fight something like this, and that sometimes the ed wins the battle (but not the war!).

I'd like to get more counseling, but I don't have the money to get it. I'm graduating this next semester, but I'm still on my parents' insurance, and I don't want them to know that I haven't really :kick this thing. They think everything's okay now.

Still, I want to be free so bad. And the brief times when I've felt that way in the past only make me want it more.

Well, I want to thank all you folks for being so open, and encouraging, and strong. I'm praying for you, Nina, and everyone else. God bless!"Oh, are we locked into these bodes?
Are we anything at all?
Let's hold out for somethin' sweeter,
Spread your wings and fly.
This distance is dreamin',
we're already there tonight." -- Ed Kowalczyk (Live) email me (darla@merlyonline.com)

[lillee]

hey evryone....

funny how i just posted message about how i don't think there are underlying problems beneath my ed. I know that some aspects of my life aRe kinda messed up, but somehow i don't see the link to my ed. maybe u guys can help me out? :o)

my mom was bulimic / anorexic like when she was twenty... and she is still not completely recovered. she is demanding, bitchy (im sorry) ... etc. i don't like her. and both her and my father hit me. and they fight all the time, and every day they r together (now my dad lives away from home), i see my parents fighting violently, physically. broken glass, bruises, the whole lot. of course, no one knows about the family situation... my sister is also bulimic, tho recovering. she is worried about me cus i developed an ed five years earlier than her ... but i wILL beat this thing soon, or at least i am trying. my sister was sexually abused, and i don't know if i was or not. there was one very confusing recurring incident that used to happen when i was like five or six with a man that was close to me...i dunno if it was abuse or not.

neways, thats about all for now. .. it might sound bad, but generally i am a very positive, happy, social person ... when im not at home. can't wait till next year when i graduate so i can go to college and leave this mess behind.

take care fishies... ~

love
lillee ~~ **

[Snapplelover]

Hi guys,
I think there are several things that lie under our ED'S when we really sit down and think about it. Like me for instance, I have a couple, and if you have the time, maybe you can read it:)

My parents have been married for the past twenty five years, and after fifteen years my dad decided to cheat on my mom. This lead to huge fights and showdowns, right in front of us. I would try so hard to stop, but they never did. I would usually become depressed. They still fight constantly, and rarely laugh together and joke around like they used to.
But there still married and I know they stll love each other.
The other thing, I was sexually abused by my uncle, immediately afetr which my ed started. So I guess those are the underlying facts that lead to my ed. Oh and another thing, my family thinks Im the perfect daughter, sister, cook etc., so I have to remain perfect. Lookswise, figurewise, studywise, and everything else.

I just hope recovery goes well for me, because Im playing therapist for myself. Im going to try. Take care fishies, dont give up hope, Im praying for you all.
:) :)