rambling on a relationship

[Starflower]

OK - I really didn't know where to put this post - and I don't know if many people will respond - or even if I want people to respond.

Erm, it's about a past relationship that I had. I've not really had many relationships. Having been through some abuse I tend to not let people close. And the guys I've been out with have all been very pushy in a sex direction, and so then I haven't been in any relationship for al ong time because I kinda gave up.



Anyway - this relationship. I went out with him on off for about four years from about twelve to sixteen. He made me feel special. HE made me feel loved.

I was an ugly child. I always felt pushed out. I had been bullied through a lot of my life - so I won't go into it here, but I had low esteen already because of lots of factors. YOu don't need my life story - just to know I wasn't that popular and considered myself on of the ugly people./


Ok, well later on in the fifteen sixteen part of the relationship he did pressure me a bit for sex, and I didn't give into him, because I didn't want to. And he didn't push me any further. I thought he liked me. I thought he meant it when he said he loved me. I thought he worhsipped me. He wrote me letters, gave me (stolen) flowers. He wasn't ashamed to be seen with me. He put his arm round me in public. .

I was aloof with him. I didn't want to get hurt. BUT _ and I never admitted this to anyoen. I did feel like I loved him. :cry I thought alot of him. I thought we had a special connection. We seemed made for each other, and I thought he felt the same.


Later I decided that we were getting too close. I cared too much. I was scared I wouldn't be able to keep him for longer without having sex with him, so I dumped him. I didn't give him an excuse I just told him it was the end. He was upset. Everyone thought I was being harsh. But I jsut had to get rid of the complicated feelings. I couldn't handle it.

We remained friends. I thought he still cared.


Later at seventeen I learned he had told people

He felt sorry for me - that;s the only reason he went out with me

Why did he feel sorry for me. It was before I was obviously anorexic (or so I thought). Maybe he knew I was crazy. Maybe he saw my depression. Maybe he saw my loneliness. Maybe he knew I would never find anyone? I started filling in the gaps for wher I didn't know what the truth was. I made my own truth. Convinced me that I was always to be lonely. From now on people wouldn't even ask me out because they felt sorry for me. Only he would so that. From now on I would only get offers of meaningless sex. So I shyed away from men and away I stay. Convinced they mean nothing more.


Although - I wonder if mayeb I hurt him and he just said that to maintain credibility. He was popular. I was a loser geek. . .

I lost my feminity. He made me feel like a girl. Like he worshipped me being a girl. And now I wasn't. I became asexual.


At seventeen eighteen, the guy came out. He is gay. Although we remained close - he never told me straight out. PReferring to insinnuate he was. I DO NOT ASUME anything. He said they were saying he was gay - I said it didn't matter, he was who he was no matter what anyone said. He never told me about his sexuality although he told other people.


So then I felt bad again.


Now I met someone and I really liked him and he treated me like a queen - but I didn't know him for long before I had to leave uni.

And I am scared to care. I'm scared to admit he made me feel alive and human. In case it never happens again. I need to be hard and closed off. And I do feel the other emotions and I am too scared to tell anyone in case I get trampled on. . . What I get cruched - I couldn't take anymore. I coudln't

What if I get hurt again. . Like the abuse but worse because I@d be older and I would feel the pain and it would hurt so much and I do care I do. . .

[Chriszgirl]

Wow, what an ordeal you have been through. Well, you have to just first take it slow....don't let one spoiled apple spoil the bunch! You deserve :love and someone out there will be llucky to have you! Not the other way around...be cautious and slow, but love is a wonderful thing and its better to loved and lost than never to have loved at all ~ my mom!
Hope it works out and lots of :clover! You sound prettty level headed and sure of yourself and your needs......stay strong! :love

[Gimpy]

I'm sorry that you consider your experience with that guy a bad one, but hopefully what I have to say will make you feel a little better about it. First off, I'm a lesbian. While I have never dated any guys, my girlfriend has so I'm somewhat speaking through her experiences. From what she has told me and from what I've seen, she did and does truely care about those boys that she date eventhough she isn't sexually attracted to them. So, just because that guy turned out to be gay doesn't mean that when he said that he loved you that he didn't really mean it. My guess is that he does love you on some level, it just may not be on a sexual one. He may not of told you about his sexuality because he didn't want to hurt or becuase he cared so much about you that it was too hard for him to do. For me, it is so much eaiser to come out to people that I don't know very well than the people that I'm close to. Forcing those words out is no easy task!! I think in many ways the coming out process can be related to eating disorders. In that I mean that we have to come to terms with ourselves in similar ways. Such as..disregarding what society tells us we have to be like, what we have to look like, how we have to act, and what the conditions are to be accepted...we have to learn how to accept ourselves for who we are....we have to over come our self hatred and self doubt... we have to learn how to love ourselves. Ok, so what am I getting at here? Niether process is a fun one, we end up making some mistakes along the way and hurting people we love and we end up telling alot of lies. To sum it all up..you two both needed eachother at the time to make yourselfs feel better and probably saw each other going through alot of the same emotions. Please don't take whats he's done or said personal ( yeah, I know easier said than done) but just realize that he was going through his own personal hell at the time and don't let this experience get in the way of future relationships!!
~Kim

[Starflower]

Thanks both ofyou for your replies.

Gimpy:stars I felt like your reply helped alot because it seems like you really understood what was going on.

I have been single for a long time, and consequently I think about this relationship alot. I was hurt that he only felt sorry for me, but then again I don't know for sure that he said that.

I did believe that he cared about me on some other level, but I don't trust people that easily and I guess I just felt like he didn't care at all.

I wanted to thank you for your input - and to say - yes - this guy had some eating problems as well. He was a bit overweight and after we split up he took up some very dangerous eating habits and some other dangerous activities - it doesn't surprise me that the two would be related at all.

[Allison LHF]

Wow, that's pretty harsh! OK, first of all in defense of this first guy, did you ever actually here HIM say he went out with you because he felt sorry for you? Because four years seems a little extensive for just a pity trip. And also he was hurt by you suddenly dumping him and guys that are hurt will say anything to protect their ego sometimes.

As for this new person? It's a decision you have to make for yourself. Are you willing to face the possibility of being hurt for someone that means so much to you? Would it be worth it? I'm terrible for that too (acting really closed off towards people I actually care about) and it seems to have cost me the best relationship of my life. I wouldn't want to see the same happen to you...

:bounce Allison :bounce