Mod - and my desicion

[Starflower]

Noone knows this, but I have asked a few times if I could become a moderator. However - I didn't get a reply from any of my posts or emails.

I read in the FAQ

What Are Moderators? Moderators oversee specific forums. They generally have the ability to edit and delete posts, move threads, and perform other manipulations. Becoming a moderator for a specific forum is usually asked-of users who are particularly helpful and knowledgable in the subject of the forum they are moderating.

So - then I thought - I've not been rejected because they haven't replied. It's just that I am not knowledgable enough. I'd say I am pretty reliable, and so the reason is that I don't know enough about what I have been through.

And isn't that a good thing!!!!!!!

I wasn't ill enough with my ed. Praise the Lord - for I could have been so much worse off than I was. And I fought and I battled it and I am OK.

And I didn't suffer harsh enough abuse? Well, that's a tough one, but yes - it could have been a lot worse.

Don't know hoe much this relates to esteem. I guess just the fact that I can see some good in a situation that I didn't think I would be able to see good in. And I know I can help elsewhere, if not here.

And I wanted to write it out -and I have no diary.

S

[Starflower]

Well, I really wanted to e****dit my original message, but I can't and as I don't want to draw attention to the post, I will just have to reply.

I realised this goes deep into my feelings of inadequacy and feeling rejected for not being good enough. Things that have been drummed into in the form of some painful life experiences.

I came here and felt strong about myself, and I thought I did good. I improved. And I felt good about the way I have been doing.


BUt when I send emails to Amy and Tony and BIBRI that ask for my posts to be closed, they get closed in a flash, but when I ask questions or attempt to make personal contact, I am ignored.

It's hard not to see that as rejection, especially when I know they have personal contact and make personal comments to other fishies.

So I feel like I am not good enough. And I don't know why.

ShootingSTAR - am I not promising then? DO I not have anything to offer?
Have I come through all these experiences and learnt nothing of any use? Maybe that's true.

I feel overlooked, or purposefully ignored.


I also have a feeling that Amy and Tony wish I would leave the board. Maybe not as viciously as a personal thing, but I suspect they think I should swim away from the bowls and "get a life" and that is why they are ignoring me.

I don't know - it's hard to know what to make of the situation. Maybe they are just busy. Maybe I emailed at all the wrong times.


But I know I still have these feelings of not being good ENOUGH. I@m good - I can be praised. BUt not too muchl.

Sorry if this is taken badly. I am just exploring my feelings. I have felt like this for too long to not mention it.

[dreadbunny]

:hugon :stars :flower :hugoff

It sounds like you're experiencing what I learned while inpatient as a "thought distortion." I seriously doubt :sfishy wants you to leave the bowl- I really don't think she has time to harbor personal feelings (aside from wanting us all to recover) for most of us. A thought distortion occurs when the brain takes a neutral incident (not receiving a reply email) and makes it into a grand statement about our worth as a person.

Don't let not receiving a return email alter your feelings about yourself. It's one of those life events you have no control over and needs to be thought of as such. Thinking to yourself "Hey, I offered my services and I know they're really busy with work/family/SF - if they need me I hope I'll be contacted because I want to offer my strengths and talents to the :bowl " is healthy, exploring why you feel rejected is healthy also, but letting it cast a shadow upon your self-esteem (which affacts your recovery) is unhealthy.

Sweetie, I'm not :sfishy but I can almost guarantee she appreciates your offer. Congratulations for exploring your feelings and being willing to do the work to readjust those destructive thought patterns.

Maybe, if you still feel called to volunteer, you could volunteer at a hotline or mentor as a Big Sister?

:love & :stars to you,
:bunny

[Starflower]

thank you dread bunny.

You have a cool name. . . :bunny

Thank you for explaining that stuff about thought distortion in such a clear way. Thats exactly what I need. It's like a cold hard fact that I can't wheedle my way round. I should print it out. .

And I do know it's happening. But it is hard, y'know. And I've worked so hard, I wanted to be able to stop for a while.

And I will try and feel better about the mod decision, but rather than a neutral desicion, I would much rather be told for sure, you know? Just to know why. But I won't know.

Sorry - I just meant to say thank you.

Sue

[car]

Sue,

So often we tend to want to use labels to decide who we are...

anorexic, bulimic, coe, depressed, gymnast, dancer, student, mom, wife, husband, daughter, son...the list goes on and on.

"moderator" is another one of those labels.

The reality is you are who you are despite your "labels". You are your feelings, your beliefs, your ideas, your soul...

What you and other :fishy's offer in this :bowl is as important if not more important than what any "moderator" can give.

You STILL have the ability to offer suggestions, advice, ideas, and life lessons you have learned..no matter what your title

WHY?

because you are you
because you deserve to be heard
because you want to give to others and learn more about yourself.

A title does not make you more or less of a person - not in the :bowl or in real life.

Ive always been great at labeling myself and others...with others "labels" being more 'important' than mine.

Its a sure set up for feeling like crap!:winky


Another point I would like to bring up is something a therapist ingrained in my head as a teen...
(and its kind of harsh:cute)
When I start thinking that someone 'hates' me, is ignoring me, or whatever it is kind of egotistical. Hating someone, ignoring someone, etc takes energy...usually more energy than it takes to be positive or neutral toward a person. Why should I think that anyone would spend so much of their time and energy planning things against me?

This usually helps me put into perspective that maybe the person has other things going on. The negative vibes I am feeling is not really coming from them , but rather from me.


Last but not least, as someone stated earlier mods are not folks who have been "really sick". All of us who come to these boards have or have had issues causing various unhealthy symptoms. No one person on this board is sicker than another. We are all equal when it comes to feeling pain, anger, frustration, fear, happiness, peace, etc.

I hope you continue to reach inside yourself and share what you learn with the :bowl

Take good care,

:lovenamaste:love,
:carpink
(car)

PS...none of what I said is to negate any of your feelings. Im just hoping to help you put them in perspective so you do not take them out on yourself in an unhealthy manner.:happy

[Twilastar]

:hugon :carpink&Sue :hugoff

She's right about the labels.

:love,
Genny

[Millificent]

The FAQ also states:

We appreciate offers for help, but cannot accept unsolicited offers to become a moderator at this time.

:dragon Millie

[Jik]

Dear Sue,

This explores my feelings around the job of being a mod. It is not a suggestion that this is what you are going through - just a way to let you know that you too are/were not alone in this.

Ironically there was a point in time where I would have loved to have been a moderator. For me it would have been a wonderful sense of validation. Unfortunately, it would have been a false sense of validation. It would have been false because I would have taken my newly acquired status as a measuring stick and used it as a way to judge my self-worth, instead the place it truly comes from - inside of me. It utimately would have become one more mask and one more identity to own.

I too had offered my services. I am going to be very honest in that it hurt to not be made a mod - at least at that point in time. It hurt because I took Amy and Tony's lack of response as you did - a confirmation of my worth or lack of. I can tell you today that it is an entirely different situation.

The true measure of worth is not if someone accepts your offer of assistance but in the fact that you were generous enough to offer it in the first place. The extended hand is the greatest gift we can give someone else. It does not take away from our own worth if the person we extended that hand to does not take it.

Ask yourself why it is so important for you to have confirmation of what you know?

If I were asked to be a mod today what would my response be? I have to say that I would most likely say - thanks but no thanks.

One of the things that I discovered about myself is that I used responsibility as a yardstick to prove to myself how worthy I was. Another way of saying that is "See what a good job I did, that makes me a good person." I no longer need or even desire to be judged on my accomplishments or duties or even the lack of. It doesn't matter what our titles are. The things that matter are how we treat ourselves and how we treat others.

I sincerely hope that you can give yourself the acknowledgement that you are a very valuable contributing member of this forum and bulletin board.

For the record - meeting Amy or Tony, having a chat conversation, exchanging a few e-mails do not mean that you will be offered the postion of mod. I know this to be true because I have done all of the above.

Sincerely,

Joy

[SFishy]

First, let me start by addressing the overall notion of being a mod. This is something that is a "job", whereas Tony and I are the bosses and the mods are our employees with very specific responsibilities. That is the best way to explain it. Mods are not part of any exclusive "club" and there are downsides that are addressed from the beginning when a fishy becomes a mod. Like everything Tony and I do, we have to give a lot of thought to what it means to take on the role as a moderator.

Sue -- in no way is a lack of response to any e-mail something personal... it is purely a matter of time. We get hundreds of e-mails a day both related to the boards, and the whole site (http://www.something-fishy.org/) that it's just impossible for us to stay on top of it all. Please don't take this an any insult to you, but in general, there is an overall assumption on our part that if a fishy is offering to be a mod they have reached a certain point of self-assuredness to understand if we don't have the time to respond. Just as your self-esteem cannot be dictated by weight or food, it cannot be dictated by how others respond to you... it all comes from within. As a person in recovery this is important -- as a mod it's essential because taking on that role means sometimes making unpopular decisions. It can also means sometimes being put on a pedestal -- neither can be easy to cope with if you're not ready.

When we look for mods in the future we will put out an open call to fishys with a good foot-hold in recovery, asking them to fill out a detailed application. These open calls will only be open to people already established at least one year in solid recovery (where they have been treated professionally). We realize there are many ways that people recover, and at different paces so there is no judgement on anyone as a person -- but we are placed in the difficult position to have to attempt to judge how they will handle being a mod. There are many things to be considered both from our standpoint in choosing who can be one, and from the fishy's standpoint in deciding to take on that role.

I hope you can understand why it's difficult for us to respond to all e-mails, and why we can't accept unsolicited offers to help out. We do appreciate that fishys want to assist us, but a lot has to go into all our decision making... It's never just an easy "ok, you can be a volunteer for us now" kinda thing.

Keep taking care of YOU

[Shellikins]

:hugonSue:hugoff
I really understand your need to feel important and validated. But it really doesn't take a title or a grand position to affect someone's life. I have to tell myself that too. I think there is nothing I can do to make someone else's life better because I don't feel I have big things to offer. But just smiling at a stranger or holding a door open for them can actually make their day. The point I would like to make is that just by you posting this post and the responses you got, I learned something very important to help myself in an area that has plagued me. Just by sharing in here (even the smallest post) you can affect the lives of others. Please don't think that you (just as you are) aren't important enough to matter to others. You are unique and special because you are an individual. You can offer viewpoints to others that they have never even considered. You have brightened and enlightened my day already! Thanks!
:love Shelly

[starbrightstarlight]

:hugon :stars:flower :hugoff

Im sorry u are :sad about this, but i think the other :fishy ies explained this well. I hope u take time to think about this. I am here for you. :hugon :stars:flower :hugoff

[jadefox]

I'm in total agreement with Shellikins... and everyone else who replied. It doesn't take a title to be importnat, and I know all of us believe that in theory... it just feels different when we have to apply it to ourselves.

I remember a time when I thought being a KUDO-FISHY! would make me feel worthy. I looked forward to the day when I could say that I had posted four hundred times, and have a nifty little bit of evidence on top of all my posts. I looked at my number of posts and watched it grow... waiting for four hundred.

Then, when the boards changed, the number of posts required to be considered a kudo-fishy changed too. Suddenly I WAS a kudo-fishy, with only three hundred and some posts. Boy, was THAT ever anticlimactic. No party, no celebration, no victory.

Then I realized that probably came at exactly the right time. I got the title. I got what I had wanted. But nothing about me had changed! It had just been handed to me, all of a sudden. Gradually I realized that it was never that important to begin with... just my attempt to excell, reach the highest point, even WIN... in something that has no winners or losers at all.

Find peace with your position as a member of this community first... everyone here depends on everyone else. Everyone is important. It's beautiful, really, as there are SO FEW examples of this sort of thing.

Group hug!

Bethe :nose