New and not sure where to go

[clarie]

Hello all~
I have been passing through this site for some time now and finally decided to post. I am feeling a million different things these days and don't even know what to say in this post.....

It has been a rough year for me, but also a good one. My ed switched from being anorexic for about **** years to a horrible bulimic gaining lots of weight this past year. I had gone through some big changes with moving and finishing college and that is when the change in my ed occured. It is sooo hard right now. It is weird to say that even though this has been a hard/horrible year, it has been a learning year as well. I am learning little by little to actually feel and be present in the day(not an easy thig for me)

It is so hard though right now becasue I am so uncomfortable in my body and with this extra weight. I have always been an athlete and that is what I want to be again. But I don't want to go back to how I was before obsessed with it all.....so I sit on this line....feeling bad that I have let myself get this way/size and then to cope with the feelings I b and try to p.......it is such a vicous cycle that I can never seem to break for more then a few days. I feel likje I have such good intentions.......
I jsut want to stop this maddness. I wish a "normal" meal didn't set me off for a b, and I wish that I could just relax sometimes about food.

I know that a lot stems from past stuff and present feelings. I feel so lost, lonely and scared at times.....lost as in I have moved away from family and not sure where I belong...I love my new home and can't think of moving back, but then there is my family there and me here. I get so scared that I am not on the right path, or that I am not making the right decisions in life, and that I am going to be alone forever(I really haven't had any relationships with guys although I have always had many guy friends.) The hardest part for me is letting them get close. I jsut don't want to get hurt. All these feelings and all these crazy behaviors that I can't seem to control....they make me so mad, and mostly scared.

So know I am here...looking for another way to support myself. I do have a pretty good T and that has helped. But I know I need more.

I am not sure if my post made any sense....but I tried. I am hoping to meet some others out here like me. It has been so helpful to read other posts and see that I am not the only one who suffers.....

Hopefully I will here from you.

Smiles, K

[bri]

:hugon clarie :hugoff

welcome to the :bowl
youa re definetely not alone. i can relate to so much of what you said. its awesome that you came here and posted, and are looking for support to help you recover. its weird how we can go through the worst of times, yet they often are learning experiences that teach us a lot. i hope you keep coming and posting. it was good to get to *know* you
take care of yourself hun
:love
bri

[brandysherry]

Heyyyy!

I could have sworn that you wrote my life story!!!!! .. REALLY!!! Im just like you just witha few minor differences- so dont worry, your not alone.. not at all. Im still in college, and im an athlete. Iv always been a gymnast in high school and now i play varsity badminton and squash. I left my athletics freshman year(now m a junior), and i gained weight and went through what your going through now. but whats important to remembver is that, its the thoughts and the ED voice behind everything. You wish u did athletics.. is it coz u loved it? or coz it burned calories? i know that i use my sports sometimes, to burn calories.. and over excercise for that reason solely. I too, wish i could relax about food.. Im constantly bouncing between anorexia and bulimia. I eat and try and mentain myself purely for these sports.
about the guy thing... i totally relate to it. Iv never had any serious relationships though most of my frd group is guys!!!!! I kinda felt scared of giving my heart to anyone.. coz of the fear of being hurt- really hurt. thus, iv built so many walls around me.. and unfort. the ED is one of them. Ts great to hear that ur therapist helps u... i dont have one as i cant get myself to talk to a T on this.. at least not right now..

dont worry, as u get better.. the walls will come down.. slowly- then u'll be more open to giving guys a chance.. i really cant say much in this area.. as im totally scared myself..
But just know that you ARENT alone..

Love ya,

BrandyS.

ps- email me if u want.. we could chat more..
neesh_@hotmail.com

[clarie]

Bri and BrandyS~
How wonderful it is to hear from others who think and feel like me. So often I feel so alone that I forget or don't realize that there may be someone else who feels the same. I think that the hardest part is sharing those feelings becasue we are so ashamed of them, and at times I just feel like a "freak" for feeling and being the way I am.

The hardest part is that when I feel this way the thing I know I should do is reach out to others, but I usually end up closing up to myself. I always have the smile on my face and say that things are "fine" when really I am bursting inside.

So you both mentioned that you can relate? Are there any tips that you can give about what has been a success for you. So often it is the feeling of being alone that gets to me. I feel so unsure about things and life, that I just seem to float through not knowing where I fit in. It is hard to stay present.

My T always stresses one day at a time and even one hour at a time......try and stay in the moment.....a good challenge.

thanks for listening to me blab.....

smiles,
K

[blondieinspain]

Hi Clarie and Brandy!
Wow I can reallly relate. I believe I was anorexic, or a combination of anorexic and bulimic, and just **** months ago i came to spain to study and havent been able to stop bingeing and purging. i have gained weight because of it and am completely depressed about my body.... i look at the way i used to look, when i was thinner, and wish more than anything in the world that i looked that way again. its so frustrating though- as much as i want to lose, b and p is the way i deal with my feelings and i just keep making the problem worse.
i totally know how you feel about wanting to burst.. I love it here but at the same time my ED is worse than ever, but to everyone at home I talk about how much fun im having. I feel like I am living a secret life or something.
with relationships, i have never had a serious one either... its not that im afraid of being hurt, but i cant seem to let people get close to me because i cant believe that they will accept me for who i am. i dont know why.
well i am having an awful struggle but have found some things that help me when i want to binge:
:idea think of all the people that love you (there really are alot!) How would you feel if one of them was doing this to themselves? Think how much it would hurt them to know what youre doing to yourself. pck up the phone and talk to someone that cares about you
:idea I keep a little notebook that i write in when im feeling depressed, i also keep inspiring quotes and reasons not to binge purge in there... i write all the things that make me happy. when i do something good or make it through a day without b\p, i write down how happy i feel . then i make myself read the notebook when im having negative thoughts.
well i dont know if these suggestions help, but just so you know, you are not alone. i know exactly how you feel and i just want my normal life back.
:hugon we can all do it, coming here means that we are trying and we are reaching out for help!! :hugoff

Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around

[brandysherry]

Hey Blondie and Clarie :)

t'was great to hear from you guys.. as to your questions Clarie, about tips, m sorry but im so confused myself right now.. that I dont know what exactly to say. trying to stay in the 'present moment' is definitely true and helpful. So often I find myself wallowing in the past or am anxious about the future.
As for the weight and ED, I dont know what to say, as I dont really think im recovering.. maybe running away and denying it- but i dont think m recovering. As to what blondie said, about thinking that pple wont accepting us as we are- I think i too, go through that .. I dont get close to guys coz i dont feel that they will truly accept me. I feel that i need to be 'better' before i go ahead with any guy- does that sound familiar at all? or strange? =(

... Take care of yourself.. one baby step at a time.. in the present moment!! :)

Love always,

BrandyS.

ps- let me know if u come up with any new ideas/ suggestions!

[clarie]

Welcome Blondie and thanks Brandy for the replies!

Blondie the tips were great! It is always good to hear someone elses ideas on what to do.
As for me sometimes when I get the urge I just have to physically stop myself, sit and not let me go anywhere....because that is when I get the bad stuff to eat. I also then think about how good I feel when I haven't b/p and try to remember that feeling.

It is so hard...the moving and being away from home. Being here has alowed me to deal with issues that I would never have been able to deal with being at home...a real grwoing and learning experience....and at the same time it has presented me with some of my toughest ed times. sometimes I feel I can never win.

Brandy...I know what you mean about the denying part....sometimes I just want to forget my problem, and sometimes...(as sick as it sounds) I think I actually want it becasue I don't want to deal with what is really going on in my life...or what I really need to do. I am a pretty good procrastinator. IT makes it hard to stay real and remember what is important. My T gave me an exercise of picking up an object and sitting with my eyes closed and holding it and feeling it...don't think of anything else but the feeling of the object....It always helps to pull me into the present instead of the past or future. kind of corney I know!

With the men situation....it is so hard sometimes, becasue I also feel that I am not good enough at times for someone to get close to.....and then there is that saying..."you need to love yourself before someone else can love you fully" and it is jsut so hard to take. I know that what I do is not loving myself, and yet....ugh....
It is hard, being ******** and never really having been with someone, I feel like a weirdo and that time is getting away from me....it dosen't help that my whole family alwys asks about a man in my life.....it is not that I don't want one....it is just that this damn ed keeps me so closed off from the world!

sorry about the rant....just feeling a little sad/mad.

well that is all for now.....keep posting girls, as I am so delighted to have heard from some others like me. We are not alone in this...let's remember that!

smiles,
K

[brandysherry]

Clarie- wow... our lives really seem to run pretty parallel. i totally understand wat u mean when u say that the ED cuts you off from the world- it REALLY does. and yes.. my parents too, ask me about the "guy in my life" and sometimes i wish i could say that there was someone, but then there are other times when m really glad that i can say that i dont have someone, coz geez, i feel ts more stressful to deal with the fact that he might not accept me/ i feel i need to look another way to please him.
the excercise that your therapist gave about being in the present.. is so TRUE!!!! .. it really works and yes i will keep that in mind for next time, when i feel myself slipping into the past (aughhh).

about the denying thing, ts hard for me to deny it really.. as i force myself to go to support groups on campus etc.. so i really cant deny i have an ED, but what i deny is that im taking care of myself.
Why is it so hard to take care of oneself for a change??

recently, i had been overexcercising and i hurt my tendon in my foot. I cant do anything now, coz my foot is soooo bad.. but yet m willing to give up my foot's pain to go to the gym- to burn calories!!! whats wrong with me???... i dont understand.. why do i not take care of myself.. and when i cant go to the gym and run for miles... i feel sooooo outt'a control..

what do i do? any suggestions?? :(

BrandyS.

[clarie]

Brandy~

to be honest, I don't know exactly what to do about the feeling of being out of control. I feel like that so often, that I have started to believe that I thrive on the feeling. It is so hard.....I always feel that if it is not one extreme it is another with me. I used to overexercise all the time and now it is hard for me to get motivated to get active....even though I want to and need to be active.

I always hear the "everything in moderation" quote...what is that? moderation? normal eating? no obsessive thoguhts?

I guess the best I can say is listen to your body...if you are hurt, that is a pretty big message to slow down....find another outlet for the anxiety...do you do art? read? write? talk to friends?
actually reaching out to others and bind honest about how I feel has helped A LOT....it has made me get more real with myslef and many times their answers back to me has helped me see my disordered thinking in a different light.

Still though....I continue to work and struggle at times....it is not an easy road....
let's keep working together!

smiles,
K:funky