How do you Surrender?

[Pella]

Hello Everyone :fishy:hugoff
I'm just throwing thoughts out here :bowl because I feel the most comfortable doing that in the self-esteem forum. Hoping some of you can give me some insight into your concept of what it means to surrender? It's something I've long equated with twelve step programs and personal spiritual experiences.

As I recover I find myself continually humbled by this whole ed ordeal. And surrendering is what I'm feeling at this point. Not to the behavior, but to all these emotions connected to healing and release at a deeper level. As I peel back a layer of feelings, another one inevitably pops up! :surprise I struggle with control...then non-resistance. Does it ever end? Or is it going to be a life-long process?

But what does it mean to surrender? How do YOU actually do it? Is it only mental? Or is there a physical course you take to see the results of surrendering?
The steps I'm trying to take in my "surrendering" are lsteps that have involved making a change in my life (recovery from ed) and starting to change my whole attitude about it. I have changed the way I talk about it, the way I even think about it, and act about it. I've gone from being overly defensive towards the ed to (almost) accepting it's presence and effects upon my life. Just the simple fact I'm able to "talk" about it....has helped. Thank you fishies :fishy for that!

And sometimes I just physically "lift" my hands in surrender to God and ask Him to help me with surrender/acceptance in my life. I don't think it's something you can force or control by willpower.....so How do YOU set the wheels in motion towards surrendering? Thanks for any thoughts.
Love beth :sun

[fefa]

:hugon Beth :hugoff

here is me again :happy! For me to surrender is to be able to express your feeling and not be afraid, or not let then control you!! I mean to surrender is something natural, that happens slowly and slowly! i don't think it is a cicle, I guess when you start to accept your feeling and not judege then, to accept that you can be overwhelmed by something, then you are surrenden!! Also somethimes we need to give to GOD hands!! There is some things we can't change, other we can so the things we can't change we have to GIVE TO GOD HANDS!! And stop worrying about that, because the answer will come when you least expect it!!!!
Of course surrender can be hard because you don't know what will happen and somethimes we protect ouselves in order to avoid that changes!!!
Hope this helped!!

[Anonymous_Member009]

Dear Beth:

(i tried to e-mail you this question, but you don't have it available here. i can't post anymore on the boards because my husband has been reading my posts. i don't feel safe writing at all anymore, but something in your post i need clarified).

First: i ALWAYS find such wonderful inspiration in everything you write. i see your progress and your gratitude to God, your optimism, your compassion. You are a wonderful person!

One line in your post above i must be misinterpreting (somehow in my warped mind, depression has a way of Distorting even the best things):

"accepting it's presence and effects upon my life"

this week, more than ever, that's where i'm at...but it's definitely not a good place. the white flag is up...i surrender...i accept that i'm annorexic/severely depressed and there's nothing i can do to change it. (yes, i'm in therapy and she's working/challenging me as i take yet another nose dive).

Please clarify for me what that statement quoted above means TO YOU. i have a feeling that your interpretation is quite different from mine.

jeanette

[CerealKiller]

Surrender was the conscious choice on my part to abandon all my preconceived notions of what reality is, was, or should be, and simply accept it for what it is. Abandoning the preconceived notions also meant abandoning all judgements for I no longer had any reason to judge. Judgements can occur only when you have a preconceived idea in your head of what reality 'should' be. (I.E. I 'should' be doing this, 'everyone else' is doing this, I'm just such a fuck-up, etc. etc.) Judgements lead to blindness for instead of seeing what is front of you, you become blinded by the idea of what you 'should' be seeing and what you 'want' to see. At the same time, let me stress that it does not mean you have no moral guidelines. On the contrary, with each situation you enter, you may have certain moral standards you choose to adhere to because they are in harmony with the type of person you value and wish to be. Surrender also frees you from self-hate by ridding you of the self-judgements, and instead stresses acceptance of yourself. Not in the sense that you do not wish to grow and change, but in the sense that you do not 'judge' yourself for your flaws or weaknesses, but instead seek to understand them and find healthier ways to meet your own needs.

[Garth]

Dear Beth ,

Warm greetings ! First of all . . . no . . . it never ends !
Stop growing ? The answer lies in the question itself .
Surrendering . . . . you mean like giving up hope ? . . hope that there will be some wonderful outcome if I just think . . do . . . or feel the "right" thing ?
Saying I simply do not know . . . . . . and in not knowing . . . . there is but room for all . . . . . with room for all . . . there is no where to hide from ourselves . . . . no charades . . . . no illusions . . . . no expectations .
Is that surrendering ? . . . . maybe surrenduring !

I must share with you tonite I feel a certain fire within . . . one I have not felt for quite awhile . It came from surrendering . From giving up hope of some wonderful or ideal result . I feel angry with a loved one tonite . . . . a dear friend of mine who is more than a friend in my heart . . . . but she is also married . I'm finally at a point today that I need to set some boundaries . . . for I have let myself be run over . I was so afraid to feel anger . . . my image in my mind of anger was always my father in rage . . . . so to feel and express anger has always been freightening . I am not my father however . I am Garth . I am able to express anger without wounding . . . raging . . . piercing . This is but one gift of compassion and passion I have been given .
I had been feeling a great weakness in my chest . . . and yes . . . it felt like I was being walked on . . . I was losing my breath . I finally said . . . crap ! I've had enough ! I surrender . . .. . and in doing so . . . I released myself . . . . and felt what was truly there . . . the anger . . . the hurt . . . the pain of loving someone whom is unavailible . Damm.
Though i feel this emotion . . . it is just that . . . energy in motion . . . soon to change . . . but must be expressed with eventually . . She is still my friend of course . . but with some boundaries . . . . another thing I'm just learning how to deal with .
All this Beth . . . . from a moment of surrender .

:love Garth :sun

[PeanutDuck]

My dear PB,

I just have to accept that you will always be that step ahead of me and able to say/express what I haven't been able to express!

SURRENDER!!! ARG! As I have tentatively dipped my fins within the twelve steps of OA...THAT is what has reallly FRUSTRATED ME!!!

Surrender. When I think of that word I think of myself laying slack on the floor and someone beating me mercilessly with a belt. hm.

How I am trying to learn....surrender is through educating myself? So I feel more comfortable surrendering....hmmm does that make sense?

I am coming closer to the acceptance that I cannot CONTROL MY BODY. I cannot control the way it was meant to look. I am trying to surrender to the power/voice of my body. That is something I CANNOT control. Truly control. I have tried to do so through B/Ping. Obviously that control of my body did not work.

I have tried to control the external forces in my life and what that often has done is made me lose the joy in the spontanteity of life. I must SURRENDER the power.

The changes you are bringing upon your new non-ED life....are part of your surrender b/c the ED is about control, about mind games....just ALL about control--controling the way people react to us (how we think they react and getting them to react the way we want which is impossible!), how we react to life, how life forms around us....how we are shaped....etc etc etc. We attempt to control the impossible--in a sense we attempt to play god (whatever your meaning feeling of god/higher power is).

But...WE can't control anything. There are too many strings in life, so many of which are hidden (ie other people).

And how we surrender can be physical--in that in your case you spoke up! at work, you are in a new relationship. THose are things you FORCED yourself into doing, in a sense FORCING yourself to face something you can't control, unconciously surrendering.

SOme of the surrender you can't force, like you said, and like Nanda said, it just comes. It comes with time, as your mind heals through your concious acts, the world reacts to you and your new forming eyes....and you surrender, to life, to your body as it was meant to be, to you as you are meant to be in that moment....

And we can't control that. We couldn't control our birth, how can we expect to control the moments between this and death? (another uncontrollable)

How I am surrendering? like I said, trying to surrender to the natural state of my body. Tyring to not be so critical of myself and others. Reviewing my moments, finding joy in things and other points of view, trying to not control other people and their reactions to me, breathing it in and letting it go....

A big part of me is not willing to surrender to the idea that I may suffer to some degree with the obsessive part of this ed forever. I am not ready/willing to surrender to the idea of that. And that I cannot speed up my recovery. Then again I look back and it's been three months. Kind of cool.

WELP! I'm wandering my dear.

Ya makin me think again. I Luv it.

Squishy fishy love,
peanut

[Allison LHF]

For me surrendering is actually letting someone see any emotion I may be feeling. It's surrendering but it can be liberating as well.

:bounce Allison :bounce

[Pella]

Thank you everyone! I'm overwhelmed by all the thought provoking and insightful replies to this post. I'm going to reply to the replies individually....because I keep getting bumped offline and it's really frustrating! :reallymad

So.....first I want to wish you a Happy Birthday! :hugonFeFa:hugoff and hope you enjoyed your strawberry cake today! :winky
And I agree.....in a sense....it IS all about accepting your feelings and not judging them. This has been a very hard thing for me to do. I do know now that my controlling nature has been a direct response to my fear, panic and sense of helplessness. You're right....the things we can't control, we need to surrender into God's hands. When I had a hard time trusting myself.......I found it even harder to trust in God, and would revert back to trying to control everything myself! God always has something better planned-----I just need to trust Him for the direction. :grin
Love beth :sun

[Pella]

:hugonJeanette:hugoff
I'm so sorry about your current uncomfortable situation at home. Please feel free to e-mail me anytime....My address is.....
betthsevenseven@aol.com
That's beth with two t's and and the number seven twice after my name.

I'm constantly re-defining recovery as I get better. What I meant by "Accepting it's presence and effects upon my life is basically this..........
I'm not in denial anymore. I accept that I struggle with an eating disorder. And even though I don't participate in the bulimic behavior anymore......I'm now dealing with the reality that my problem (bulimia) helped me avoid painful feelings and emotions that are beginning to surface NOW four months after quitting the b/ping. I'm realizing I have much more to recover from than just a "food obsession." I surrender and accept this reality of recoverING. Being in denial for so long was part of the problem too. I made poor choices and suffered the consequences. But....it really kept me at a safe distance from the truths behind the ed problem. Now I'm looking deeply at my inner self----the source of my self-esteem. whew....this is work!

Depression is so oppressive and can be another form of stuffing painful feelings/anger inside. It's hurts so much to deal with this stuff.....I know because depression/panic/anxiety has touched my life in a profound way. Learning to cope and find a way out of the pit of depression can be a real struggle. But I found it taught me much about myself and life even during the pain of it all.
Love beth :sun

[Pella]

:hugoncerealkiller:hugoff
I gotta totally agree with your statement, "surrender also frees you from self hate by ridding you of the self judgments, and instead stresses acceptance of yourself."
I often remind myself, "There by the grace of God go I,"
when I find myself being judgmental or critical of someone/something. It can be so nasty...inside and out.

This self-hate I've had was something I didn't want to face existing in me......a dark side and a propensity for doing what was not in my own best interests. Self-hate was a way of escape....sort of on an unconscious level even?! Now, I see it was just a small part of me, and my bright side is the one I'm learning to treasure and grow in recovery with.
Love beth :sun

[Pella]

:hugonHello Garth!:hugoff
I could never surrender to giving up hope. Hope is all I have sometimes...and I thank God for that everyday. :grin
After reading some of these replies....I got this visual...this analogy about physically "surrendering." Picture running in a marathon....you know that feeling you get after finishing the run (or we can just imagine? :winky) That exhausted, tired, spent physical feeling? But....at the same time your exhausted....your feeling entirely exhilerated...like this deep need has been fulfilled? Surrendering.

Your married friend obviously inspires a brushfire of feelings withing you!?! That is a truly painful situation......loving an unavailable partner. Sounds like you have the hard work ahead of you in re-defining your relationship with her? Molding your heart :love and head into a new form. A new form of expressing your love within safer boundaries. Also to protect your heart? I feel for you. Keep on. And always....thanks for your wonderful replies!
Love beth :sun

[Pella]

:hugonHello my peanutduck!:hugon
Gosh...you really had me laughing there....with this mental picture of you laying slack on the floor and someone beating you with a belt into a glob of peanut butter! :bounce:bounce

Okay...down to buisness.....I will agree with you on the fact that you cannot control your body......meaning you can't control the way you were meant to look. Yes...there are some things we just can't change about ourselves physically. Agreed.

But...I challenge you to to think about the concept of being able to change (maybe not control...but change?) the power/voice of your body. You say you're trying to surrender to the power/voice of your body and that can be a good thing, and obviously b/ping doesn't work.....been there, done that---agreed.
But.....when the power that has been channeled in an unhealthy manner (bulimia) is taken away and re-directed towards recovery-----that incredible power/voice will be channeled into other parts of your healthy personality. (thank you Kelleykate and your therapist for that wisdom! :winky) Actually, you're getting really deep here with me tonight peanut.....so bear with me here? I think what I'm trying to say is that .....oh heck, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say except that one of your sentences really hit me and that was where you said....."How we surrender can be physical...at work, in a new relationship. Those things you FORCED yourself into doing, in a sense forcing yourself to face something you can't control, unconsciously surrendering."

That was beautifully put and so truthful. I DID force myself to take those steps----and I did feel it as an act of surrendering. Surrendering to the inevitability of CHANGE.
Which I had been resisting for SO long! Fear of change was what kept me stuck in the ed pattern for so long. Now I accept I have to change! You definately are thought provoking and I love you!
Love bb :sun

[Pella]

:hugonAllison:hugoff
Letting someone really see your emotions is a powerful act of "surrendering." Allowing that kind of vulnerability is courageous. Cause our emotions do need recognition. Acceptance can really take away the sting. Liberating our emotions can be intensely enriching and a blessing too! Thanks for your reply. :grin
Love beth :sun

[fefa]

:hugon Beth :hugoff

Yes, i did enjoyed my strawberry cake! it was good!! Something I still have to learn is that I changed my eating habits for GOOD now!! What I mean, is that somethimes I crave for health foods instead of junky foods and now my first commitement after my birthday is to eat what I am craving WHEN i am craving!! :yay!
Í am going to surrend all my feelings and don't be afraid of the judment that may come, because this is who I am and I can't live a lie anymore being someone I am not, and protecting others!
:love

[Pella]

Your progress :hugonFefa:hugoff is just amazing to me! Not only are you making healthier choices foodwise.....you are really making some strides in recognizing the underlying issues behind the ed. Way to go Fefa!
Love beth :sun

[PeanutDuck]

Dear PB,

Thanks for the challenge. I think...I understand what you mean...? Not too sure however.

Do you mean like a redirection of that energy I have spent/sort of sometimes am still spending on my body--judging it, focusing on it, etc.? And using that for recovery power? More positive things? Using that energy to FORCE myself to do things?

If that is what you mean....YES! I remember when I first began...I DID have so much more energy as I was hopeful....and now...WHAT is holding me back?!!!!?!?!?!?!

FEAR!!!

Arg! I DETEST THAT WORD.

Must think about that more.

THANKS FOR THE CHALLENGE

(Ps. what was Kelley's post? you referred to? I will search)

squishy love,
peanut

[Pella]

:hugonPeanut:hugoff
You know....this is the one thing I get frustrated with about e-mails and the written word. The chances for miscommunication and misunderstanding?! :surprise
I had to go back and re-read your reply and see where I was coming from in replying to you. I was pretty tired that night! :grin

I might've misunderstood what you meant by your power/voice? See....I agreed that there are certain physical characteristics we are powerless to change about ourselves. Height, bone structure, shape of face, length of limbs etc. Geez...with the strides and comfort now of plastic surgery......it's amazing how much you can even alter in that department now days! :grin but when you said the "power/voice" of your body? .....it made me think this is something within our control.

You mentioned it being a "re-direction of the energy you've spent/sort of sometimes am still spending on your body----judging it, focusing on it, etc? And using that for recovery power? More positive things?" I completely agree with that. Namely, the fact we are in control of our thoughts. We can choose to mentally program the "thoughts" in our heads, thus influencing our feelings and dictating our behavior. It's a really cognitive and powerful thing. Most people think they have no control over their feelings.....and to a degree they're right. A feeling comes and washes over you....and the impulse is really hard to adjust. But.....if you go back and analyze just what you were thinking before the onslaught of feelings.....you can trace how that particular thought influenced your feelings.

It's tough work...especially if you've come from a very negative background, like myself. I'm constantly assessing my thoughts and trying to change them to more positives ones. It's getting to be more second nature now.....but years ago when I suffered panic disorder.....this was my life's mission. To change the way I was "thinking." Because that was what lead me to the panic attacks.

In reference to KelleyKate's post about her therapist.....it was just a nugget of wisdom she shared with the B board. Her therapist had told her that people who suffer from bulimia have incredible POWER. Their power is channeled in an unhealthy manner when they suffer from B. But, if you work on getting better, you eventually take that power away from the bulimia and that incredible power will be channeled into other parts of your healthy personality. I just thought that was an amazing awareness/concept. And I'm beginning to find out now how true it is in my own life as I'm struggling with recovery!
Love beth :love :sun

[KelleyKate]

:hugonBeth:hugoff
Hey Darlin'...sending lots of hugs and positive vibes your way.

Ok, the truth....I read this post several days ago. And you know what. It made me kind of pissed. (Certainly not at you....you are wonderful:love) But at the subject matter.

Later, I went back and though about what made me have this reaction.


This is what I came up with....Surrendering means so much more that giving up. To me, it means to let go. Let go of the messages from my childhood( like "I'm not good enough")
Surrendering is facing the pain, letting it pass through me, and letting it live in the past.

Oh, man....what do I know if I surrender all those messages from my childhood. Suddenly, I am blank. Ready to reteach myself anything. And without those messages....I could be and do anything?

No, no...I know I am not there yet because the idea of that really scares me. Even when I consider this possibility....I doubt myself. And that is just the vicious cycle of this ed.

Wow, I didn't think I could get that out. Actually, I don't even know if it makes sense. But you really made me think with this one. There are so many parts to this topic too.

Well, I hope you are having a great day. I'll talk to you soon.
Thanks you.
Lots of love :love,

[Pella]

Yes...that's precisely what I was getting at.....Letting Go....not giving up. :hugonKelleyKate:hugoff
And you're right...the concept of surrendering is going to be different for everyone and for whatever stage of life/recovery they are in.

I always think of that phrase, "Let go, and Let God." Such a difficult thing to do, especially when you're a control freak like myself. But, ever since I wrote that post, and read everyone's replies....I realized how control figures into surrendering to a degree? You really have to make a conscious decision to surrender and it takes work sometimes. But the rewards and payoff are immense. I look at people who have that "surrendering" attitude as being people who are more in control of their lives anyway. thanks Kate for replying with your awesome thoughts.
Love beth :sun