how to face recovery when you live independently?

[jenin]

I really need some advice/reassurance. I have been referred to the weight disorders unit at a local hospital and my firstappt is Nov eleven. I have been receiving "so called" therapy from a psychiatrist until now but after she basically accused me of lying and being manipulative (I wasn't!) I decided she wasn't a useful person to see. I guess I've got this date in mind for my next real effort to kick this thing but unfortunately I'm not feeling very confident that I can. Although I've only had an ed for a year, it's incredible how ingrained in my head it is. I have had two real efforts before now to beat it but I have failed. The last time I tried to gather a support team and preemp some of the problems I would face and strategies to deal with them. The problem came when I increased the amount I ate and that coping strategy was taken away I was a total emotional wreck which made it really hard to continue to work (three days/wk as a physiotherapist) and I just felt so horrible I gave in! I have already taken **** months sick leave from work this year with depression and for financial and self esteem reasons I don't want to have to go off again. I have a very supportive workplace but I know there's a limit to what they can put up with!I just don't know if I can do it while I'm trying to work and live a "normal" life. The other night I really had a realisation of how I fuel the ed. I was in bed and an anxious thought about work came into my head. Pre -ed I would have got quite stressed and mulled over the problem for a while. Now I don't even allow myself to acknowledge the thought or emotion but just pass it over to ed "fuel". This allows me to function and not be emotional (numb!) and I'm really scared of acknowledging what is in my head.

When you live alone and in recovery, how do you deal with the thoughts, the shopping, cooking and eating???? I am still seeing my gp fortnightly and a dietician regularly though I must admit I'm not trying to change my behaviour at all at the moment.

I'd love any thoughts or advice from other "indies" because I'm not sure I can do it.

Love Jen

[LoriK]

Jen,

I don't know either. I know that is not much help, but there are others out there that are lost like you. I, too, have taken off work and don't want to take anymore time off. I have tried to stop but the emotions that come up feel awful and I've blown up twice in the last month at work. My boss is very supportive, but I know I am wearing her thin.

I have stopped trying at the moment, because I am afraid I'll lose my job if I have anymore outbursts (anger and crying).

I don't know what to do, but I don't feel so alone when I read others are struggling with some of the same things too. I wish we could ... I don't even know... I wish we could do something together that would help each other beat this.

Hang in there. I'm sure you'll get posts from others who have some recovery and good ideas to go with it.

LoriK

[jenin]

Thanks for your reply Lori. You're right, you don't feel so alone when you hear others struggling with the same things. I just wish the Doctors etc had some answers! It's so frustrating. I think it is hard for us as we don't fit the "typical" ed pattern ie not a teenager living at home. I think that's where communication between my psychiatrist and I broke down- she just didn't seem to understand that I need to hold down a job and be emotionally stable to do this which makes the prospect of addressing the ed very difficult. I don't have anyone to look after me and can't afford to collapse again. I don't want anyone to monitor me (ie my mother!) but the prospect of recovery while living alone is very hard. Weekly Dr appts just don't do anything as my worst times are in the evening when I'm hungry and fighting myself over my evening meal!

As I said, I'm gearing up for another recovery effort in November as I'm very sick and tired of living like this. Maybe we could support each other?? I'd love to hear more about you so feel free to email me (j_nancarrow@hotmail.com), that would be great. Unfortunately I don't have a computer so can only access one or two times per week. Remember- we CAN beat this.

Love Jen

[lovtophish]

Hey guys

I work fifty hours a week. Two people at my work no about my anorexia and one of them is my boyfriend. My boss makes a lot of comments about what I eat and how I'll "blow away" because I'm little. You're right it's extremely hard to hold down a job and deal with the emotions behind the ed thoughts. I see my T once a week now (it was twice a week) and it's always on my "lunch" break. It's hard coming back to work on those days that I see her. She and I have talked about it and it took her awhile before she realized that yes I want to get better, but I need my job. I can honestly say that when I walk into work I try my damndest to shut out the feelings. I don't mean bury them but I think "okay, I'm upset and I feel like I'm losing my mind but I have to work and I'll face it when I get home" My T is okay with that because she trusts that I'll face it. There are days when I can't do that and I do get emotional at work, but I go to the bathroom let myself feel for a few minutes and then get back to work. My boss would not understand and I don't choose to tell him. I don't know if this helped or not.

Steph

[dotti]

:hugon Steph :hugoff

I just wanted to say that is is possible to live alone and recover, because I have done it :happy

I don't think there's any easier way to recover than another but you have to know what works best for you - day by day. Listen to your body, find out how you react to things and find the approach that you feel the most comfortable with.

I found it easier to eat a lot of the time because I felt like it was MY decision rather than being forced to sit down to family meals prepared by someone else. That made me feel more in control of my recovery and eating patterns, plus it was easier to do things slowly without pressure.

Sometimes it was too difficult to eat and the decisions were really hard but hopefully your dietician will give you help with that (I wasn't lucky enough to have one). Make shopping lists, cook quick, simple things and find nutritious cold 'instant' meals. Looking back, I think that at times I would have benefited from eating with others and having more encouragement but my approach worked for me.

As for the thoughts, just make sure you have a whole list of coping mechanisms in place. Yes, they can be overwhelming and it can be very lonely but if you've got someone to phone or go out with, that helps. I found it was a relief to be living alone as did get very panicky and snappy at times so wasn't able to take it out on someone I loved.

But the main thing is to be actively :kick the behaviours. You don't have to do it twenty four hours a day but deep down you have to want recovery, even if you do have doubts at times. Take it minute by minute and reach out for support.

You have to take lots of little steps so you don't scare yourself. Be gentle with yourself and treat yourself like you would your best friend :love . Fight back against the ED voices and you will recover.

Two years ago I could have been writing your post and there have been many highs and lows before I got here. Stick it out and you can get there. Just don't stop believing it is possible and don't forget to keep fighting for recovery.

Good luck!

dotti
:uk

[Rayneonthemoon]

Hi !! I am glad you posted. I have been living alone now for two years (after a break up with my long term -five year- boyfriend). Today I can honestly say I love living alone! I love being independent, and doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, how I want to do it. I can walk through my house naked if I want (I don't, but if I wanted to), I take a bath with candles and Enya with my door open, I pee with my door open (well, I did that before too! LoL) Anyways, for me independent single life suits me very well.

How do I deal with the ED stuff being an indie? Well, it was really hard at first. I had noone to really be accountable to except myself. But today, I make myself accountable to my mother and my therapist. And yes, I am pretty accountable to me too. Today I love to grocery shop, actually. I used to *HATE* it, but as I've gotten further and further along in my recovery, I love doing it now. And believe it or not, I enjoy eating the foods that I buy! Heh, what a concept! I have alot of support from my mom and my T - and that has helped me a TREMENDOUS amount. It's easy to maintain your integrity (or easier anyways) once you continue on with recovery. Sure, there are sure to be moments of setbacks and moments of feeling like you've failed and are a dissapointment - that's only natural in recovery, but just keep on keepin' on.

I wish you all the luck with being an indie. It can be ALOT of fun :cute Enjoy!!!

Love,

[challenge]

I too, am an indie....I live alone and hold down a job...I have had a few "breakdowns" while at work - I take a break and regain control (but only momentarily....)
My boss is supportive, but I don't know how much she will be able to take...
I'm forced to answer to myself - this works occasionally....I try to make myself eat (in the evenings anyway) - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't....
when I'm alone at night, all the ed feelings hit me HARD...
I really miss the carefree days of being a kid...:balloons...

[Mel.]

:hugon Jenin :hugoff

i noticed as i was reading your post, that your appointment was over a month ago now -- how did it go? how has being on your own in recovery gone?

recovering as an indie does work and is possible. i've only been on my own since may, but really even the last two years i was living with roommmates whom i never saw and never told what was going on, so really, in a recovery sense, i was living alone.

somethings that helped me (most of these i still do)-- i search for recipes that look healthy, delicious and fun to make and then i make them and enjoy eating htem. i invite a friend over for dinner, we cook together and just eat -- initially it was someone who knew about my ed and was supportive of what i could eat and encouraging, but also didn't frown at me if i couldn't finish an entire meal. i set achievable goals for myself, and raised them as i could. as i didn't have the money for a therapist of any kind, i would often journal when i was feeling my worst or best so i could get it out and deal with it in a healthy way. most of all, i kept my eyes set on the prize and ran as if to win it. it wasn't easy, and still there are hiccups, but its doable!!!

go for it girl!

[jenin]

Hi Mel

Thanks for your advice. It sounds like you are doing well which is great. My appt at the WDU went OK and I've seen the psychiatrist a few times though I am somewhat sceptical about how he can help me. At least he doesn't seem to think I'm a manipulative liar like the last one (I'm not, for the record!). My eating is still VERY erratic and alternates between restricting and subjective/objective binging and purging. Its very tiring. Before Xmas I decided that I wanted to go off Aropax (Paxil) due to the revolting night sweats I'm getting and just stay on the Avanza (Remeron). At that point I was feeling OK depression wise and the Dr agreed would be OK. He told me to go off really slow but it's a very hot summer here in Australia and Im sick of being drenched every night. The first few weeks I was almost high and decided to do a massage diploma over the next few years with the aim of giving myself new interests and challenges, meeting new people and starting up my own business at some stage. Im already a physiotherapist so it actually makes sense. Xmas went OK but I crashed a couple of days ago with awful withdrawal symptoms (cant kick the last quarter tablet!) and ended up phoning my dietician, who works from home, at ****.********pm on boxing day in an awful state. She rang the Psych yesterday and I have an appt for two days time. I feel a bit better today as I gave in and took some Aropax. I want to get off this stuff now!

I'd be half relieved if he wanted to put me in hospital to withdraw but another problem is my mother! I don't live at home but am still close to my parents. I really hate the effect my ilness has on my mother, particularly as my sister has bipolar and is very dependent on mum. When I get depressed and miserable I just feel guilty about hurting other people and I really haven't been honest with my family about the extent of my ED (B/P specifically). If hospital was offered I would be reluctant as it would upset my family to know I was that far down and that would upset me! I know it's ridiculous to feel this way. I wish I could go to hospital with noone knowing but this is impossible.

I just feel so sad, sick and confused at the moment and just don't know what I want. The last straw is that my local Dr (GP) who is my major support person is leaving for six months to have a baby and I see her for the last time on the thirtieth as well. I will really miss her as I can tell her anything and I trust her absoloutely.

I try to hang on and think about doing the massage course next year (I currently work as a children's physiotherapist three days a week and will keep this as well). I think I will enjoy it but I'm wondering where I will get the energy from! I know I will have to eat but the shutters go down when I think of how.

Sorry about this rambling. It's been a stressful few days.

Love Jen

[Mel.]

Hi Jen

It was good to hear from you! Its great that you've set out some goals and plans for yourself, they sound great! Hey if you ever need to practice massage moves let me know :o) just kidding, i'm in canada, so it'd be a little to much of a commute!

Hon, don't let upsets and failures get you down. You need to set do able goals, and when you mess up, allow yourself to forgive yourself and move on. You're human, we all make mistakes, its a genetic flaw. But that doesn't mean you can't get out of the ed, or off the meds. but take it a day at a time, minute by minute, hour by hour. If right now you need to stay on the quarter tablet for a bit, allow your body to get used to that, and keep working towards other goals, then try working your way off it again. Allow people to support you and hold you up -- you may be living alone, but you are not actually alone. don't lose hope!

mel

[jenin]

Just an update if anyone's interested. Left hospital today after three weeks ip treatment. It was a private psych hospital rather than a specific ed programme but that was what I felt more comfortable with. Right now I feel very scared, lonely and depressed. Working on my ed and facing lots of issues has increased my depression a lot and I told my Dr last night that I wasn't happy with the way he managed my meds while in hospital. He increased the dose last night - should've done it two weeks ago! My eating certainly improved while in there and I was eating and keeping down three meals a day generally although my total calorie intake was still a lot lower than recommended for my height. I had a lot of counselling from my nurse on self esteem and assertion - things I sorely lack. I just wish I didn't feel so damn low. I probably could've stayed longer if I pushed but I need to face going home at some time and I'm not sure another week would've helped much - unless the increase in med made a difference. I have to work tomorrow (**** days a week) and although I actually worked **** days a week for the past **** weeks from hospital it will be different out of the supportive environment. Just not sure if I can cope with eating, work etc. My Dr is trying to fit me in to see me after work tomorrow and has suggested I contact the community nurse to come and see me this week, which I will do tomorrow- if I can get the privacy to call from work. I'm just really scared I can't do this and will totally lose it again like I did ******** months ago. I really dont want that to happen but it might the way Im feeling.

My massage course starts next week. Dont know where the energy will come from.

Can I have a hug?

Love Jen

[nikto]

:hugon :hugon :hugon Jen! :hugoff :hugoff :hugoff

(N.B. you just received a triple hug--something only your online :fishy are capable of giving!)

That's a heck of a lot of change in your life in a few weeks--give yourself some credit! It's totally fine to be overwhelmed, but know you don't have to be. Just remember to live in the moment. Take things a minute at a time. You don't have to find the strength to do activities a, b, c, ... z that must occur in the next three weeks--you just have to do activity a. That's all this ever comes down to.

I'm happy your eating improved. I'm happy you got useful counselling from the nurse. Those are things you can be happy about *now.* :happy

I'll be thinking of you!

Sarah
:ican