mad hurt frustrated

[sillygirl]

:trigger major vent about feelings; deals with food talk, although not specific....







grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!! i am so upset right now!!! i just got off of the phone with a friend, and somehow we had gotten onto the topic of food (i know, why go there?). anyway, i told her that i had felt guilty about eating a lot recently, even though i am trying to put on a little weight. i also told her that i had freaked the night before my weigh in and eaten a whole lot to make sure that i gained weight (not a good idea, i know. i was worried.) and then, she has the nerve to say, "wow, that totally qualifies as a binge!" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was NOT binging!! i haven't b/p ed in over a year, and it really really hurt that she thought i was binging. it makes me want to just give up and never ever eat again! i will not do that, but i feel awful right now. i am dealing with sooo much emotional stuff, and i am trying to take care of myself in the process, and it is damn hard! i'm sorry... i just needed to vent. thanks to anyone who is listening...

luv,
silly

[star_incentive]

Sillygirl~
I bet you anything your friend had no idea what she was saying. Chances are, she was only half paying attention to what she was saying, or she was trying to be helpful by helping you to spot a troubled step you may have been taking in the wrong direction. Maybe you should talk to her? I've lost a ton of freindships because I kept to myself- it sounds like you two are close- dont' let this ruin it.
Star_incentive

[puppet]

Thanks for takeing what I said the wrong way, and posting it here instead of talking to me. I'm WAY sorry that I hurt your feelings- but damn courtney- this hurts.

[Pella]

:hugonHi Sillygirl:hugoff
I understand the sensitivity you feel about your friend accusing you of binging. It really hurts when you've worked so hard at recovery to be misunderstood. She probably has no clue as to how much she hurt you?
I can tell you this about myself and see if you relate? Let me preface by saying I've had an ed for twenty years. I have been seriously recoverING for the last four months. Although I don't b/p anymore, I too am dealing with all the sufacing emotions that I've been stuffing down with food all my life!

I'm just now realizing how "defensive" I've been. Whenever there was a special on eating disorders on T.V. or if the subject was brought up in a circle of friends, or if any comment was made in my direction about ed's.....I would JUST shrink in a hole and try and avoid any discussion on the topic. I was so sensitive and defensive about it! I was so scared people could see right through me and the shaming secret I held onto for so long was eating me up with guilt.

It amazes me now that I've admitted I have a problem and have been actively seeking recovery......how much more open I've become about it? The simple act of coming out of denial and owning this has changed my outlook and just about everything in my life. Whew....what a burden of release!

We'll probably both continue to deal with the emotional issues for a while.....and you're right.... it's darn difficult.....but like you said......we got to continue taking care of ourselves in the process. Thanks for reminding me of that too Sillygirl.
Love beth :sun

[sillygirl]

:hugon star_incentive :hugoff
:hugon pella :hugoff

thank you both for replying to my post with the obvious: talk about what you are upset about!!! :idea i was pretty emotional when i posted, and i wasn't thinking too clearly about what to do. a good night's sleep and your wise words helped a lot. i have tried explaining things to my friend, and now i can only hope that we can move put this behind us.
pella, i read your reply after i talked to my friend, but it was kind of scary :surprise how right on the money you were!!! :bult the problem was that i got really defensive, whereas my friend had no idea that i had taken her lighthearted comment totally the wrong way. thanks for understanding what it feels like to be uncertain of your status in recovery.
hope things are going swimmingly for you today!!

luv,
silly

:hugon puppet :hugoff
all i can say right now is that i'm sorry...