Finding My Voice!

[Pella]

:hugonHi Fishies:fishy:hugoff
I love this self-esteem board, because as I recover I'm realizing how much the ed was tied into my feelings of low self-worth.:idea
I'm discovering the power in knowing who I really am, loving who I really am and starting to see that same essence in others.
Now after anihilating the ed behavior, UP come all these feelings I'd been stuffing for so long.

FEARhas been a biggie. Fear of feeling I have NO worth. I've been influenced by others, culture, media and even heredity all my life.....and you know what???
It's SO bogus! It's such a lie we often buy into!
If we allow it....society can put such a high value on thinness, wealth and prestige/power. So, I've adapted the best I could and that meant (for me) resorting to the ed. numbing that pain, attatching myself to a serving substitute.

But it no longer works! Hurray!
One of the biggest steps/awarenesses I've had lately on this path of recoverING is finding my own voice again. Gingerly testing the waters in a new relationship has proven to be quite the challenge for me. -----And it's not even about dealing with the food issues anymore at all the various restaurants we've frequented lately. It's been finding my voiceand coming to grips with my own understanding of what I believe I deserve and what I want.

In my past when "involved" with someone, I would discount how much a particular behavior hurt me (late for dates....not returning calls....) I would make excuses for the other person and ask my self, "Am I too demanding?" Finding my voice lately in the context of this new relationship has meant that I set down some firm boundaries and parameters in our relationship. Not putting up with B.S like I used to. Ha! I'm such a bitch now....but I'm worth it and I deserve the best!:winky
Love beth :sun

[PeanutDuck]

Hey miss PB,

Fear is indeed the word. And you know, reading your post I came to the thought, hey! Ours is a society in fact BASED around fear. That all those rules sort of spring up b/c we as a society are afraid. Afraid of what?! I don't know. Just a new idea so not sure if it's true.

I'm so glad you're finding yourself and your voice again (after ************ days!). I loved how you said "numbing" yourself just doesn't work any more! YEAH! And actually, you are in two new relationships now--one with yourself and your mysterious "other!" And in finding yourself you are saying hey! I'm not willing to put up with my own bs! being late for Yourself, and numbing yourself. that sort of thing.

I do the same thing--am I being too demanding? Well I guess it's that saying, if the other person has a problem with it, it's their problem b/c you are you and welp! who else can you ever be but yourself?!

So more on this fear--see if we didn't have rules in the society then we'd have to accept that life doesn't come with rules--the world was not born with a method to its madness if you will. And as humans we feel more comfortable with a guide, no matter how impractical, how painful, thus we turn to something that tells us what to do and in some sense lets US off the hook--"hey it's what everyone else was doing. Just want to do what's 'right'." Hence rules. And fear. And struggle. when really, there are no rules. [ok there are but there aren't do you see?]

So in letting go of your fear, you are accepting the randomness of things....the mystery of it all (oooh all very new age-y).

Keep that voice shouting strong. It is your new trumpet. Shout out to the world! You DO deserve the best in all your self proclaimed bitchiness. Let that girl out!

YAY!!!! gooo beth!

I'm always cheering for you,
squishy fishy love,
peanut

[Pella]

:hugonPeanutduck:hugoff
I love what you said about being in two relationships now....So very true! But you know.....If I think I'm being too demanding, and I put it off as the other person's problem----I still find myself choking on my own voice sometimes! This is SUCH the challenge for me after being used to "lowering" myself for everyone else for so long. And by "lowering" I mean squelching my feelings at the expense of acknowledging someone else's-------which isn't always a bad thing....but done consistently tends to obliterate any sense of healthy self?! As usual your relply always gives me good stuff to chew on....no pun intended! :winky
Love beth :sun

[fefa]

:hugon beth :hugoff

Seens like we are together on this journey! I say us because as I have posted before, I am learning to :earn to me!!! Sometimes it can be so hard because we don't know what will come if we stay with what we think is right, but in order to grow, we need to that! We need to :earn very carefully for what we want, and get rid of the things that doens't work for us, and one of this things is accepting who we are! It is so scray, and somethimes I fear of what I will find next!!! But if I don't :earn to my voice, how am I going to do what I am feeling, and how to express that? Our society sometimes let us down especially because they say we need to be perfect! Hello! We don't need to be perfect, we just need to be WHO we are no matter what!!! ANd don't be afraid of letting other see that!!! They will stilll like us, and maybe more, because now we are being true to ourlseves!!
I am so :happy for you!!!
:love

[KelleyKate]

:hugonBeth:hugoff
Ha Ha!!!! You bitch!
Isn't it great to put yourself and your emotion before any one else. You are your first priority.
So, you are in a new relationship. That is great for you. It is even greater that you are not falling into your same old pattern with him. While he may or may not be the one...I bet you will learn so much about yourself in this relationship.

My therapist and I talk about finding my voice too. I normally voice my opinion...unless it is with my family. I've been stuffing emotion with them since I was a little girl.

I always thought I was bad, stupid, slow, and not worthy of love. Not worthy of anything (even medical attention). There are all messages i have carried with me since I was born. I can't believe how much these messages have rules my life.
But I realise too that they are not true. It is time to reteach ourselves that we are worthy and great.
Actually, I stopped telling myself that I wasn't good enough to make fabulous sculptures....and you know what turned out?! I can't even believe I made it with my own hands. I made a sculpture of a buddha. I have to say that it is the best I have ever done.
SO, you are so right. It is all a big lie. We are worthy, good enough, and smart. We can do anything. We can be the best at whatever we choose to do. I am starting to believe it. And I can tell that you are too.

:bounceOk, so enough with my "let's conquer the world speech!"
Beth, things are getting better. For both of us. Life is better without bulimia.
:loveTake care of you.
:loveLove,

[Allison LHF]

Reading through this thread, I just really wanted to sum it up in one phrase:

:stars We are rock stars!!! :stars

:bounce Allison :bounce

[Pella]

:hugonFefa:hugoff
Yep....we are on the journey together! :grin I think listening to ourselves allows us to live life fully/wholly----to our joys and even our pitfalls. Cause how would we learn if we didn't fall once in awhile?
We are going through "survival" now and that's how we come to know who we really are. Only those who dare, truly live.
When we change.....we change our world. You're right....we don't need to be perfect. We just need to continue to commit ourselves to recovery. Everything will fall into place. Life is good!

:hugonKelleyKate:hugoff
Some great thoughts in that reply! :grin Ya.....I'm in a new relationship and something deep in my gut tells me this isn't the one? But, you know what?!? I'm going to enjoy this little journey in getting re-aquainted with the dating rituals. It's been SO long! :surprise And it really has helped my recovery instead of hindering it. So...I'm just going to go with the flow. I'm with you....it's time to "re-teach" ourselves with new affirmative messages-----and get with the program and show the world all the love in our hearts for ourselves as well as others.!!!
I'd sure love to see that sculpture of your Buddha-----I know it's awesome! I bought a thirty pound bag of clay for the people I work with and today we went crazy making little pinch pots! :grin We also did some abstract painting and it was just SO much FUN!
How have your therapy sessions been going lately? Take care....

:hugonallison:hugoff
We are the Rock STars....
Because Recovery Rocks!!!
Love beth :sun

[Eilis]

(((((((((((Beth))))))))))))

I think your last statement summed it up (in the intitial post) BECAUSE I AM WORTH IT. Many people have asked me how I have implemented my boundaries, and often its thru using my voice. Its because I now truly vslue and love myself. I stand up for myself in the same manner I stand up for my family.

An example of how important it is to use our voices can be exemplified in some studies I have done recently on eds in ethnic groups. I have looked into Native American & Alaskan Indians, Latinos, Asian & Island Pacific, African American and Caucasian. I wont go into the statistics because they can often be distorted, but almost invariable within each ethnic group, the risk of eds rose when the people stepped outside of their specific culture and entered mainstream society. They became affected by what the societal message was versus what thier cuture message was. Respecting who we are in terms of heritage and culture, and using our voices against a societal message telling us we all must look or be like a certain image is PARAMOUNT in preventing or recovering from an ed, as well as other issues.

Great post!

:love
Dory

[Pella]

:hugonHi Dory:hugoff
Speaking of specific cultures relating to ed's.....I remember learning in art school how people revered the feminine form that was voluptuous. Seeing paintings of portly (by today's standards!) round, and curvaceous women on canvas. The societal message then was that more was better....more womanly so to speak? Culture does define the norm. Behavior and environment figure in there somewhere? That is why I admire someone like yourself.....who defies that....and does something about it!

There's always good and bad. Our society's message extols thinness as ideal, and the messages in the media send out pressure to be thin/rich/beautiful. On the other hand.....extensive media coverage of eating disorders has led many people to seek help. There seems to be more of an increasing awareness of the dangers of ed's. Twenty years ago when I developed this ed I'd never even heard of bulimia before? I just knew it was an easy way to maintain my weight and then it turned into a way of handling stress/anxiety and boredom.
In any event this long haul with the ed and subsequent recovery revelation has been the most exciting adventure/discovery on my journey through life. I intend to kick this thing and LEARN from it!
As always....thanks for your reply! :grin
Love beth :sun

[KelleyKate]

:hugonBeth:hugoff
:bounceHi! DId you go to art school? I was reading one of your replies and you mentioned something about it. What art school did you go to?
:bugWell, I am considering transfering from Boston U. I love the city and I would love to have a degree from there...but I can't do art while I am there. I am an advertising major and BU doesn't leave any room for fun.
:bugI have started to look into some schools in New York, San Fransisco, Seattle, and Boston. There are so many in Boston. I am not sure that I want to go back there now.
:bugSince I was isolating so much while I was there, I don't really have very many friends left there. And now my boyfriend lives out west. I don't know. I guess I'm just confused. What else is new!

To answer you question. Therapy is going well. I am working on the traumas in my life. I was pretty neglected and abused as a little kid. Also, even though I can't remember exactly, I have many signs of someone who was sexually abused. I can't believe how many of the messages I carry around from my childhood. I mean, I really believed that I was stupid, dumb, not good enough...all those things. I mean, I graduated from boarding school in all honors classes and I got into BU and I haven't been doing to badly. If I was healthy....imagine what I could do?!!!!! I get excited just thinking about it.
:bug Well, things are starting to get better. I went three days last week without bingeing and purging. I am loosing my desire to do it. I think the prozac is helping so much. I am really going to try for today again. I've sort of started telling myself that certain days are ok to b/p and others are now off limits. This way it is easier for me to control.
:bugWell, at least three days is a huge improvement from everyday.
I haven't really been around the :bowl that much lately. I visit almost everyday to read some posts...but I have been really caught up in trying to reteach myself to love me. Also, I have been concentrating on my sculpture a lot. I am just so amazed at myself. I know that sounds funny....but I never knew.

:loveHow are things with the new beau? I am happy that you are learning so much about yourself in this relationship. Also, it is great that you are dating again. Hope things are going well.

Ok, I have babbled on enough. I'll talk to you soon. Take care of yourself and keep up the great work! You are a :stars!!!
Lots of love,

[CerealKiller]

:hugon Pella :hugoff This is a really good post because what you refer to as your voice I have been referring to as my 'reality' but I think we are talking about the same thing, after reading your post.

The media presents lots of images and ideals to us, and though there were many I did not buy into consciously, on a subconcious level there were many that I did. And even when I did not buy into them, I still reacted to them in a negative way that was usually unhealthy for me.

Some lines from Steppenwolf sum up exactly what I mean:

Although I know very little of the Steppenwolf's life, I have all the same good reason to suppose that he was brought up by devoted but severe parents and teachers that make breaking of the will the cornerstone of education and upbringing. But in this case, the attempt to destroy the will and break the personality did not succeed. He was much too strong and hardy, too proud and spirited. Instead of destroying his personality, they succeeded only in teaching him to hate himself.

It is not only parents and others who attempt to turn us into something other than what we would naturally be, but the media as well, that great babysitter that parades before us endless hours of sitcoms featuring young girls who must choose between being a 'brain' or being 'beautiful', whose deepest reflections center around what this male or that male thinks of her. Though you can reject this idea of reality as I often did, you're still left with the vague disturbing feeling that you are at odds with society and there is indeed no place for you. You become alienated from the whole concept and accepted notions of what a 'female' is and alienated from your own gender.

So maybe what I propose is that for me, finding my voice, has been a two-fold process because it consists not only of learning to hear my own voice above all others that would subjugate me to their opinions, but also learning to choose what I will listen to. If I do not like the media, I am not forced to watch programs I find repugnant. (Because believe it or not, there are good programs out there! :cute) I am not forced to buy magazines that I find idiotic. Indeed, I have perfect choice over what I will listen to and what I will look at. And instead of listening to things that contradict my internal voice and internal notions of reality, it makes more sense to surround yourselves with those things that enhance it and support it.

The voice, as I see it, is not just a verbal tool. My problem is not so much communicating with others (though I have my issues there certainly) but of primary importance is/has been learning to communicate with myself. To find out what I like, to find what interests me, and to follow those interests and be loyal to myself in all endeavors, rather than trying to force myself into a mold that I 'think' others might find more pleasing. So long as I observe the basic laws of courtesy, I am accountable to no one except myself and my God, for who and what I shall become in my life, but I know that I would like to open my view of reality as wide as I can, to make it an all encompassing spectrum that can show me things not often dreamt of in Western culture, and yet which nonetheless remain open to us if we only have the eyes to see them.

[Garth]

Dearset Beth ,

Finding our voice . . . OHHHHHHHHHH ! ! ! YES ! ! ! I told you some of what went on with me today in regard to surrendering . . . . that seems very much related to finding our voice . For in surrendering . . . . . . in giving up our illusions . . . . we are left only with our voice ! well . . . there may be a few echoes in there . . at times . . . . but we must surrender to those also . This leaves us . . you . . me .
I know you use term bitch in jest . . . many people do . . . . . though . . . in all honesty . . . being Garth as I am . . . I find it still kind of demeaning . . . . is there a good bitch . . . . bad bitch ? I truly do not know how you meant it . . . so enough said . I guess I'm trying to say you can be assertive . . . . . and be Beth . No one has to be a bitch to express themselves . . . . though maybe it was liberating to use the word . . I don't know . . . . Kind of like the f word . . . at times it's very liberating to say it with smile on your face and in your heart.
God . . . this wasn't my intent to talk about this ! oh well .
So . . yes Beth . . . finding your voice is finding your soul .
Finding your soul leads . . . hmmm . . how should I know ? :cute It's just a good thing :flower
I'm slowly finding my own voice . . . . sometimes I feel freightened by it . . . but not as freightening as all those unconcious voices from everywhere else ! I prefer to listen to my own thank you very much ! :happy

Well , I've got to go to bed , thanks for the moment !

:love Garth:sun

[Pella]

:hugonKelleyKate:hugoff
Three days is a milestone!:balloons
And trust me....the longer you stick with this recovery attitude.....the easier, more rewarding it will become. With all the therapy, insight and working through the trauma issues you've been doing lately.....you will begin to see just how much the bulimia has been a survival technique. A way of handling the family secret of abuse and neglect you've gone through.

It's awesome to see you getting better and stronger at kicking this! :grin Facing your fear with courage is a transforming experience. Because these baby steps you're taking, these acts of bravery are connecting you with that inner strength of yours. The strength you've always had, but just channeled in an unhealthy way. Yes.....!! just imagine what you can do! And you ARE doing it now! As evidenced by your beautiful sculpture and art work.

I didn't go to a specific art school, but I've taken many art classes over the years. It's a passion of mine. I dabbled for awhile in production illustration and mechanical rendering....hoping to start a career in graphic illustration. But, I got side tracked in the mental health field because of what's happened in my life, and that is my true calling.
I've always related to your posts describing your art work! I love art, and especially pen and ink drawing. I just finished designing/drawing (black&white) the cover for our twenty five yr. H.S. memory album.

You have some big decisions to grapple with.....like where you are going to school? I've found it's important to surround yourself with friends/people you love and who love you in your life. Makes the journey that much more rewarding. But....don't underestimate your newfound capabilities now that you're getting a handle on recovering. You can make new friends too....instead of feeling so isolated back at school?
The new beau situation in my life is going okay....but that's a whole nother reply! :winky
Love beth :sun

[Pella]

:hugoncerealkiller:hugoff
The whole idea you presented of reacting on a subconscious level to the media images and ideals is an interesting one. I've always rebelliously touted non-conformity and have been revolted by cultural cookie cutter systems of thought and ethics. But...the truth is....I've bought into it also on a subconscious groove. It's so hard not to? We are bombarded constantly.

You really understood what I was trying to convey in my post.....because when you said, "finding my own voice has been a two-fold process because it consists not only of learning to hear my own voice above all others that would subjugate me to their opinions, but also learning to choose what I will listen to."
Right on! CK. That is splendid and remarkably right on target as to how I feel also. I want to be accountable to God and myself and in doing so......I believe the restraining shackles of compliance will lift in my life and truly "listening" to our voice will get stronger and stronger!
Thanks for your reply.
Love beth :sun

[Pella]

:hugonGarth:hugoff
You are so funny!.....Actually, I hardly ever swear...so using the term "bitch" in a post was pretty questionable for me! :grin
But, for some reason it just sprang to my mind (in a liberating way with a :happy on my face!) as an empowering description of how I felt. When I hear the word "bitch" I can't help but think of some dog in heat...Ha! Or a witchy woman personality type? And then I've heard people use the term almost in a self-empowerment way....and I guess that's what I was trying to convey? In any event.....it shook you up and got your attention, no? :winky:bounce:bounce:grin

Don't be freightened by finding your voice. It can be your friend. If your voice is at all like your written expression.....then you truly have a friend there! Lately, I've heard in your posts and replies how you are accepting the ed because it's just there and has been a coping mechanism from the abuse of growing up in your family. You're right....the ed is not the enemy. So you're on target with treating the problem with love and compassion. Because it was the best way WE (I'm including me in here!) knew how to cope. It has been our friend for a long time, but we can work at making new friends.....I love you :hugonGarth:hugoff
Love beth :sun