A Day of Being

[Garth]

Good Day :bowl

Last nite I turned to food to comfort me . I was alone . . . I felt alone . I felt sad being alone . I yearned for someone to be there . . . someone to comfort me . . . hold me . I yearned to speak from my heart . . . to express the pain of feeling so alone . . . for so long . I wanted to cry . . . for tears to pour from my eyes and fill all the world's oceans .
I was aware of what I was doing . . . . I made that choice . . . . I was trying to comfort myself in a familiar way . . with food . I do not feel guilty about this . . . no more guilt ! At that moment i did the best I could with what I had . No more judgements . . . . right or wrong . . . good or bad . . I'm tired of them !
I am responsible for me . My choices are mine . I was not born to be perfect . . . I was born to be Garth. . . . undefineably simple as that .
My heart has been aching for many years . It sometimes feels overwhelmimg to feel that sadness . . . longing for warmth . . . friendship . . . companionship . . . . it seem endless at times . . . . though I do not know that . I can only be with what is right now . . . . and in this very moment I feel that longing . As much as I wish to be fullfilled . . . right now . . .. .. I suspect there would always be something to desire for . . .
to need for . . . . so this life . . . is one of progress . . . not of ultimate fullfillment . . . . a fantasy for which there is no end .
Each day . . . each moment I choose to live conciously . . . only then can I even begin to see what I want . . desire . . . and need . This life is no race . I need moments to stop . . . slow down and just observe what's going on . This is what I am working on this day .
The richness in this life comes from what already is . . . not from what may be . Promises are fools gold . I desire the real thing . . . . and that is right here inside of me .
My tears in writing this . . . . are from my heart . My needs are valid. . . . my desire for love and companionship are are true . There is no shame in this . . . . for I have felt shame for many years . . . undeserving . . . unworthy . . . poisoned .
I am none of that today . . . . for to-day . . I LIVE ! . . . just because .

Thanks for this moment :gift

:love Garth:sun

[Pella]

:hugonHello Garth:hugoff
You always help me to see the beauty around me...just in your words. Even through the pain you can see purpose and meaning.
We can let today happen. We can keep breathing and be in harmony today.
If we can do it in the moment, and for today.....we can continue tomorrow.
That used to be the hard part for me...tomorrow. Tomorrow's feelings, problems or gifts? Everything we need today is given us.
There's no hurry....cuz we can't escape. We can only postpone. I think by trusting today and just being we will develop those skills we need to face tomorrow? Grace/power/peace on the journey to you! :love:love
Love beth :sun

[PeanutDuck]

wow Garth,

Your words, they are simple and resonant. Thank you for sharing.

I am glad you do not have guilt over how you chose to take care of yourself the other night. We must move on from our moments while learning from them. The other night I too had a slip, but I did not feel guilt. I knew I had to move on.

"Life is one of progress...not ultimate fulfillment".

That is a scary thought for me, but I suspect that that is truer that I'd like to believe. The idea that there is nothing permanent, cemented, and final, is bothersome, b/c I yearn for stability but I guess the stability exists in the movement.

I sense that I am taking the joy out of your post. Though I did find the joy within it. I long for touch, for companionship, and....for that ear.

I am searching for right now. Thank you for this post. Maybe it has lead me closer to it.

Life is no race....YOU are valid. The only qualifications for anything is your existence.

OH THANK YOU GARTH!

squishy fishy hugs,
peanut

[Garth]

:hugonPeanutDuck:hugoff
:hugon Beth:hugoff

Today is a new day . . . a new moment . I appreciate greatly the chance express anything here . Deciding to fully take responsbility for myself . . . is . . . well . . . it's everything . Sometimes I feel truly empowered . . . others as a freightened little boy . . . . sometimes very happy . . . others quite sad . . . . all in all . . . it's simply growth .
I realized that turning to food . . . is literally like checking out from my life . . . . I may feel anything . . . and not believe I can or wish to deal with it . I realize we have all sorts of way we check out . . . not just by eating . . . . really anything that takes us mentally away from our present moment is a way to check out . We sometimes call them things we like to do (hobbies, recreation,etc) There is nothing wrong with checking out . . . it can be very beneficial . . . or it can be destructive . I know my destructive ways . . . . and why I chose them . . and have continued to .
My family life was one of conflict , silence and neglect . . . with me as a boy searching for any moment of love and acceptance . This day . . . I see my parents . . . I know I love them . . . but even as an adult . . . there is that young boy still crying out for love , comfort , security and acceptance from them . This is what has kept me stuck . I've isolated myself . . . to some extent . . . because I never wanted to be like my father or mother . . . I was afraid I'd grow up to live unconciously just like them and pass all this disfunction on to my potential family . I could not . . . would not do that . The disfunction stops here ! No more neglect . . . silence . . . coldness . . . rage . . . no more ! I must have been born to change this little part of the world . . . because I feel it so strongly . I believe to change the world . . . we must change ourselves . It starts right here .
I am looking forward to my life today . . . and yes . . there are many bumps along the way . I give myself permission to fall . . . . for I trust I have the strength to get back up . I can fall as much as I like . . . but I know I'll want to get back up . . . that strength is here inside . Each time I do fall . . I find myself more determined to get back up . . . not out of fear of staying there . . . but out of desire to stand . . . to be Garth ! . . . . whole Garth .

Dear Peanut, thanks for the squishy reply :happy I'm not sure what you meant by taking the joy out of my post ? I like all you expressed . . . honesty is what feeds our soul . We all covet that !
Thanks Peanut for the squishy hugs ! :love Garth :sun

Dear Beth , In writing . . . I often wonder how it is taken . . . for I often express pain . . . for life is painful . . but I also see how it is balanced . . . . that we know pain by knowing our joy . . . . we know our heart by being unconcious . . . we learn love by feeling unloved . There is something wonderful inside of me . . . I don't know what it is . . . but I wish to express it . . . . it is in all my words . . . . and in between them all .
Thanks for your love and support :love :loveGarth:sun