DeafGally
06-15-2001, 12:53 AM
Self-Esteem:
Self-esteem was a dirty thought to me to be quite honest. Then I realized that the self hatred I had was one of the most PRIDEful things that I could do. There are many reasons that I hate myself. I could tell you all of the lies I've told, the friendships that have been torn, or why God shouldn't forgive me. But I'm not going to. I'm just gonna shout out a bunch of feeling that are running through my mind.
Scared-I'm scared of being rejected,I'm
scared of being without this ED,
it has been my identity.
Angry-for all the mistakes I've made
Beaten-for all that is happening now
:trigger
I feel so ashamed, so hypocritical(I am a Christian and a lot of people look and say "she's got it all together".), I feel so hurt that my father screamed at me the one time I met him, and vulnerable without my mother(she died). The worst thing that I feel is guilty, dominated, and inhibited with the thoughts that the only way someone would like me is if I were the right body size, the perfect body, the "barbie doll." I am so sad and feel so helpless to this disorder. I don't want to :cry cry anymore. Not because I feel as though I lost control.
Thanks to all who were reading and listened to this ranting of mine. I haven't done this in a public way before.
Love,
Amanda
aka
DeafGally
Self-esteem was a dirty thought to me to be quite honest. Then I realized that the self hatred I had was one of the most PRIDEful things that I could do. There are many reasons that I hate myself. I could tell you all of the lies I've told, the friendships that have been torn, or why God shouldn't forgive me. But I'm not going to. I'm just gonna shout out a bunch of feeling that are running through my mind.
Scared-I'm scared of being rejected,I'm
scared of being without this ED,
it has been my identity.
Angry-for all the mistakes I've made
Beaten-for all that is happening now
:trigger
I feel so ashamed, so hypocritical(I am a Christian and a lot of people look and say "she's got it all together".), I feel so hurt that my father screamed at me the one time I met him, and vulnerable without my mother(she died). The worst thing that I feel is guilty, dominated, and inhibited with the thoughts that the only way someone would like me is if I were the right body size, the perfect body, the "barbie doll." I am so sad and feel so helpless to this disorder. I don't want to :cry cry anymore. Not because I feel as though I lost control.
Thanks to all who were reading and listened to this ranting of mine. I haven't done this in a public way before.
Love,
Amanda
aka
DeafGally