KarmaBrother
08-15-2002, 11:27 PM
Why I've returned here, and what this place represents to me:
As much as I feel connected to the community of people suffering from compulsive overeating (as I am someone who has somewhat recovered from such an affliction), I will never feel like I belong on these message boards because of what they represent to me...this place will always feel like foreign territory to me...
You see, this website was a discovery of my ex-girlfriend, whom I haven't seen or spoken to in person in nearly a year. When she and I were together she discovered that she was anorexic. Our relationship subsequently fell apart...although the actual break up was amicable, she grew more and more cold towards me over time. When i tried to contact her, she misinterpreted my words as implying that I thought she owed me something...which i didn't. I did, however, WANT to maintain a friendship with her, because when you spend nearly four years with someone, you develop a caring for them that is hard to break. Well, at least in my experience, although she didn't seem to feel the same connection to me. Aparently she thought that I had something to do with her developing the eating disorder in the first place...which she insisted to me was not the case when we were together, but aparently tells people so now. The last time I contacted her, she made it clear that she was not interested in being my friend or even talk to me...which made it obvious that she clearly dislikes me. All I know is that I tried to support her, I did everything I could to help her. I had never been with, or even known someone with an eating disorder before. I didn't know how to handle it...and as a person in his early twenties...I thought I handled it very well. I don't know if she still comes to this website, I don't really want to know. I don't know if she's going to read this...I hope she doesn't, but at the same time...It doesn't matter if she does. I hope she's managed to recover from her illness...I really have no way of finding out. I still spend time with her younger sister (who is one of the greatest people I have ever known) but her sister and I have an understanding that we don't discuss my ex because our friendship has nothing to do with her...and discussing her would only put strain on our friendship...so I have NO idea how she is doing. I don't want to care about her at all...but I do. She dropped me on my ass, which she had every right to do...and which was the best thing that could have happened to me...but I think I will always feel a little wronged that she could so easily drop me from her life. And I will always feel a little stupid because part of me still gives a sh*t about her, which in a way gives her an advantage because I know she has transformed her prior caring for me into total disdain...perhaps a defense/recovery mechanism?!
I hate that she has the upper hand because if I still think about her...hasn't she won in a way?
So what does this have to do with me returning here?
What does this have to do with compulsive overeating?
Well.....one good thing came out of my relationship with an anorexic...I discovered that I too had a poor relationship with food. Basically while she was starving herself, I was stuffing myself. I gained A LOT of weight in the three+ years that she and I were together. Another good thing came out of being dumped by an anorexic too...the realization of what I was doing to myself became very clear to me...So...over the following year and several months...I lost all that weight...and then some. My relationship with food has greatly improved!
What I've learned from all of this:
I've learned that I shouldn't let other people blame their problems on me...
I shouldn't let people who do blame their problems on me cause me to question my worth as a person...
I was a good person back then, and I am an even better person now...I like who I was, and I like who I have become...
It is not my problem if certain people do not want to continue to be my friend...all I can do is extend my hand in a gesture of honest caring...if they don't want to take it...it's their loss...
I should not let other people's problems cause similar problems for me...
It is not MY responsibility to bend-over-backwards to make anyone feel worthy of living....self-worth is just that...worthiness bestowed upon oneself BY oneself!
In closing:
I wanted to share that I have made leaps and bounds as a person and as a person with a history of compulsive overeating. I also wanted to share why this website will always feel like a someone elses turf...and therefore will always bring up negative feelings about the past. I also wanted to share that eating disorders don't just effect the individual, they effect all the people around the individual...and for that reason alone it's worth trying to recover...but above all, true recovery is not possible until one is able to take total and complete personal responsibility for their problems.
Just my thoughts...feelings...memories...tribulations...an d triumphs.....you don't need to agree, you don't have to respond.
peace.
As much as I feel connected to the community of people suffering from compulsive overeating (as I am someone who has somewhat recovered from such an affliction), I will never feel like I belong on these message boards because of what they represent to me...this place will always feel like foreign territory to me...
You see, this website was a discovery of my ex-girlfriend, whom I haven't seen or spoken to in person in nearly a year. When she and I were together she discovered that she was anorexic. Our relationship subsequently fell apart...although the actual break up was amicable, she grew more and more cold towards me over time. When i tried to contact her, she misinterpreted my words as implying that I thought she owed me something...which i didn't. I did, however, WANT to maintain a friendship with her, because when you spend nearly four years with someone, you develop a caring for them that is hard to break. Well, at least in my experience, although she didn't seem to feel the same connection to me. Aparently she thought that I had something to do with her developing the eating disorder in the first place...which she insisted to me was not the case when we were together, but aparently tells people so now. The last time I contacted her, she made it clear that she was not interested in being my friend or even talk to me...which made it obvious that she clearly dislikes me. All I know is that I tried to support her, I did everything I could to help her. I had never been with, or even known someone with an eating disorder before. I didn't know how to handle it...and as a person in his early twenties...I thought I handled it very well. I don't know if she still comes to this website, I don't really want to know. I don't know if she's going to read this...I hope she doesn't, but at the same time...It doesn't matter if she does. I hope she's managed to recover from her illness...I really have no way of finding out. I still spend time with her younger sister (who is one of the greatest people I have ever known) but her sister and I have an understanding that we don't discuss my ex because our friendship has nothing to do with her...and discussing her would only put strain on our friendship...so I have NO idea how she is doing. I don't want to care about her at all...but I do. She dropped me on my ass, which she had every right to do...and which was the best thing that could have happened to me...but I think I will always feel a little wronged that she could so easily drop me from her life. And I will always feel a little stupid because part of me still gives a sh*t about her, which in a way gives her an advantage because I know she has transformed her prior caring for me into total disdain...perhaps a defense/recovery mechanism?!
I hate that she has the upper hand because if I still think about her...hasn't she won in a way?
So what does this have to do with me returning here?
What does this have to do with compulsive overeating?
Well.....one good thing came out of my relationship with an anorexic...I discovered that I too had a poor relationship with food. Basically while she was starving herself, I was stuffing myself. I gained A LOT of weight in the three+ years that she and I were together. Another good thing came out of being dumped by an anorexic too...the realization of what I was doing to myself became very clear to me...So...over the following year and several months...I lost all that weight...and then some. My relationship with food has greatly improved!
What I've learned from all of this:
I've learned that I shouldn't let other people blame their problems on me...
I shouldn't let people who do blame their problems on me cause me to question my worth as a person...
I was a good person back then, and I am an even better person now...I like who I was, and I like who I have become...
It is not my problem if certain people do not want to continue to be my friend...all I can do is extend my hand in a gesture of honest caring...if they don't want to take it...it's their loss...
I should not let other people's problems cause similar problems for me...
It is not MY responsibility to bend-over-backwards to make anyone feel worthy of living....self-worth is just that...worthiness bestowed upon oneself BY oneself!
In closing:
I wanted to share that I have made leaps and bounds as a person and as a person with a history of compulsive overeating. I also wanted to share why this website will always feel like a someone elses turf...and therefore will always bring up negative feelings about the past. I also wanted to share that eating disorders don't just effect the individual, they effect all the people around the individual...and for that reason alone it's worth trying to recover...but above all, true recovery is not possible until one is able to take total and complete personal responsibility for their problems.
Just my thoughts...feelings...memories...tribulations...an d triumphs.....you don't need to agree, you don't have to respond.
peace.