the fear to move on

[Anonymous_Member009]

I'm trying to figure out a way to express the fear i have in living/recovering. I talked with my therapist about this, telling her i think i'm just so afraid that i can't ________, that i'll fall flat on my face. I'm an artist, i have to paint. There's no paycheck for images that only make it to my brain - but then never get put to canvas. But lately i've not had the energy to work - because i'm not eating enough - because i'm so AFRAID that life is never going to get better - because i'm not really good enough - because i mess everything up anyway - because...

She offered this one to me: BECAUSE I'M AFRAID TO MOVE ON. Its so much EASIER to be anorexic than to take a chance on living.
(i ask myself: what am i so afraid to risk? my precious weight?)

i'm wondering if anyone else experiences this monumental volume of fear and self-doubt. or is it just me.

the following i wrote after my appt with her earlier. its an attempt at self-motivation. WARNING: I AM NOT A WRITER. I'm a painter.


it is time to move on

to let go of my disordered past
to replace my distorted thinking
to risk my sense of equilibrium in an attempt to be who I am,
not what I weigh.

to believe i can be someone
to allow myself the luxury to chase my dreams
to explore life and to accept that i am perfectly human,
not perfect.

to embrace that i am significant
to feed the living part of my body, my soul
to live in the freedom God intended for me,
not this prison i‘ve callled home.

to move on and be willing to heal
to fill my lungs with crisp fresh air,
to spread out my arms and take flight to a better place
and not ever be willing to look back.

jeanette
slowly i chip away at the rock to eventually reveal its inner masterpiece.

[Garth]

Dear Jeanette , (if it's ok to call you by your name ?)

I relate to what you are expressing. I have lived my life afraid . . . just crippled by fear . But no more .
I am turning thirty seven years old tomorrow . . . it would be very easy to say I've accomplished nothing in those years . I have not worked for eleven . . . I could also say I have no skills . . . but that depends on how you measure skills doesn't it ?
It seems I've been stuck for many years . I hear you saying that loud and clear . What has changed for me . . . . is never giving up . I sought to help myself because there was no one that could .
I searched and searched and searched . I was often disappointed but a piece here and a piece here . . . and soon I had more than I had before . Every moment is a step . Wether you believe it or not .
Being stuck is a step in your evolution . Every day .
I learned at a very young age to deal with my emotions thru food .
Food became my comfort . . . my friend . . . my companion . . . . because there was no one to teach me any different . I went along with what my family did . Then , I was put on a diet at ten , and food suddenly became bad . . . . my friend was bad . . and I was bad for it . So the oddessy began . All I heard and felt from my brother and father was I was worthless . I did not matter .My heart was broken over and over . Food was my reinforcement for feeling worthless. . . it was forbidden . . therefore desireable .
When I turned eighteen . . . my forbidden food that I ate anyway became the enemy . I ate less and less from limited choices . I was unconcious to all the turmoil going on inside of me . . . yet living it every day . I resricted for so long that at a point in my mid twenties I could not stop eating . . . . and became overweight . All the while not knowing what was going on inside . I eventually sarted restricing again . . . which led to bulimia .
My point here is no matter what I did with food . . . it is always about me . . . and my heart crying out for someone to listen to my pain . To express myself !
You know what . . . . you are alive and living !
Do you have so much pain in your heart that it feels like a huge black hole? Like you could never express it ?
What has changed with me . . . is I took the chance to believe that food was not my enemy . . . I was . I allowed myself to risk eating a day at a time . . . and there is not a day I do not cry about something from my life . Do you feel you can really spill your guts with someone? That helps alot . . . someone you can trust won't walk away because you reveal yourself . Everything about yourself . Is that what your fear . . . that if someone sees the true you that they'll walk away . . . or neglect or attack you verbally and emotionally?
I find myself in this moment wondering if I'm saying too much . I'm learning what boundaries to cross . . . and which ones not to . . . but I can only know by trying . So . . here I am .
I wish for nothing more than you to start to see you for you . Listen to your heart . . . it may seem muddled . . but trust me . . . it is there . Your heart knows what you need .
That 's all for the moment . Bless your heart

:love Garth

[Anonymous_Member009]

:hugon Garth :hugoff

I think you KNOW alot about fear. its quite paralizing for me still. it feels literally like i'm a little ground hog - so afraid to come out of my "hole" - ever so cautiously coming out ONLY when ABSOLUTELY no one is around. too afraid of my own shadow, i go running back to safety all so quickly.



"Is that what your fear . . . that if someone sees the true you that they'll walk away . . . or neglect or attack you verbally and emotionally?"

Yea, Garth, that's EXACTLY what i fear. . . and there doesn't seem to be an escape. like the only way i can "live" is in constant repentance for being me.

its funny you should say that your key was in never giving up. my therapist, over and over yesterday, kept repeating the same. (i hit my head on this steel-reinforced wall of fear so hard that i just say what's the point in trying anymore - that's when she says that i need to start ACCEPTING GUIDANCE FROM OUTSIDE SOURCES. trust, i guess?)

anyway. thanks so much for sharing your heart. i find inspiration in your words.

jeanette

[Garth]

Dear Jeanette,

Yes ! ! . . . like being in that groundhog hole . . afraid to peek out . . . only when it's safe . . . god . . . how I relate to that !
I have to mention something else I have done . A while ago I read a book called "the seat of the soul" . . . in it he talks about recieving guidance from non -physical teachers . . . which in essense could be about anything . He talked about praying for guidance from them . . . when I read this I thought . . hmmm . . . I've never really prayed . . especially for assistance of this kind . . . for I never really felt it from my heart . I knew of religious prayer and had apprehensions of that . But this was nothing of the sort . This is simply communicating from your heart . . . to the universe. I tried it any way . . . I felt foolish at first . . . but over time I noticed I was recieving more help than I realized . The more I recognized . . . I realized I was not so alone . . not alone at all . Today . . . I'm not nearly as afraid as I used to be . . . I'm growing . . . never to be perfect . . simply growing . What more could i ask for ?
I'm glad you are here . . . and you are you .

:love Garth :sun

[fefa]

:hugon Picasso :hugoff

I think you were reading my mind! I am going throught this word FEAR right now, so I am writing a lot on that subject. Your t said the right thing for you>, it is easy to be the victim the one who doens't do anything, then face what life has to offer!!!!!

:flower What are you fearing? That you will find out that you are not perfect that you have defaults? What are you fearing? The people will not approve who you are and let you down? What we have to have in mind, is that no matter what, people sometimes will let us down no matter what!!!
:flower What are you fearing? That sometimes you will make a mistake, or fall? This is ok, it is what life is, with the ups and downs!!!
:flower And what are you fearing? basic to let go thePAST We are so used to that, and to let go, it is hard, because now everything is new, we don't know what will happen next!!!
So, let's MOVE ON! LET IT GO!! Believe in you! Accept who YOU ARE!!!
Take care of yourself. hope this helped
:love

[Anonymous_Member009]

Fefa: something you wrote made me think: "it is easy to be the victim the one who doens't do anything, then face what life has to offer!!!!!"
immediately i thought, "BUT, i'm not innocent...i really did severly hurt someone (physically). thus, the meaning of the statement i made above about i feel like i have to live life out of repentence for being me - like i really don't deserve to let myself live happily/safely...

You are very right, to let go of the past is HARD. Everything is very different/scary. i don't know HOW to act.


Garth: I prayed last night. (i'm a Christian who struggles ALOT; most of the time i don't even feel i have a right to ask God for help, but your post reminded me that i can). God's help did get me through some incredible urges to hurt myself last night. I hope your day is going well.


jeanette

[fefa]

:hugon Picasso :hugoff

Yes, you don't know how to act, because everything you are facing is new! I don't know how to act too!!! I hurt myself a lot!! And really I am sick of that, I have to stop protecting myself for the world and try to be :happy and enjoy life! We can do it!!! Sometimes I am afraid, that I can hurt myself more, but ths has to stop, and for me to do that, I need to have self confidence and me, and this takes time, we are buuilding our selv esteam, and this don't happen like magic,so let's be patient!!
You take care of YOU!!

[sillygirl]

:hugonpicasso:hugoff

wow, hun, i know you said you were a painter, not a writer, but i just wanted to let you know that your writing certainly inspired me. the line that stuck out most in my mind was "i am perfectly human, not perfect". how true is that?! honestly, i think it is just great. i struggle with the same fear of moving on, as you put it, but i found some hope in what you had to say. i am sorry that i don't have any advice to offer :ugh, but i hope that you are able to deal with your fears and to move on to the happiness recovery is dangling in front of you.

luv,
silly :bug

[PeanutDuck]

Dear Picasso,

I am going to run with this word fear. While you are a painter, I am a writer and what this fear does to me, like you, is prevent me from writing. What I do instead (like today) is wait for time to pass until it is so late in the day that I'm too tired to write b/c writing scares me.

During my week I have work and that takes up ohh...twelve hours of my day so I can come home and say I'm too tired=bs.

My days off I say well I'm recovering from my work week which is why I rent movies, like today, and watch them. And then I feel too blah to try and sort out the scramble on the page.

*I am afraid of failing--myself and the expectations I feel around my writing. I feel others' expectations as well--they expect and have seen good things so I'm afraid of disappointing them.

*And I'm afraid of being nothing.

*and that I won't be able to figure out HOW to fix the current problem on the page. That I'll have to throw out the crap I just wrote b/c it is crap.

*Yet, when I'm writing, and am in a pattern of doing so, I forget those voices. It stops being an issue and....so I write b/c well of course! it's what i do. The thing is to get over that fear of writing. To put down the movie, and those expectations and just....write.

*I'm the one putting pressure on me. And it's so early in my life. I have time.

*So I too am afraid of moving on--afraid of forging ahead and saying *fuck what everyone else including me thinks* b/c if I don't take a step, then at least I won't have "failed" (whatever THAT means).

I'm sorry if I didn't directly adress your issue. I guess this is my way of saying I understand your fear (also a little rusty).

best of luck.

squishy fishy hugs,
peanut

[Pella]

:hugonPicasso:hugoff
I know things are tough for you right now at home, but I hope you are still able to at least read in here? I would like to tell you how much I understand your fear at recovery/living. At one time in my life (twelve yrs ago) I developed panic disorder because of my inability to deal with the fear in my life. Panic just blew everything way out of proportion and tipped my life upside down in the daily details of even just living. I became agoraphobic, and found it difficult to go outside or drive an automobile.
God had a plan in the midst all this turmoil, even though I couldn't see out of the hole of depression/panic at the time. Last week I actually taped a half hour T.V. program with OCN about overcoming panic disorder, that will air sometime next month on a show called "The Inside Out." An example of God using his strength in our weakness. I could've never done that without Him. Fear is not something we are, it's something we have. It passes. Pain passes too. Keep your sights set on the rewards to be gained. Even though you might not know what they are at this point....people who have been in recovery know, and they can be good examples of hope for you. Courage is something we all have inside of us. Tapping into that courage is an act of self-esteem. Just the fact you are here in this forum attests to your resolve to understand this? and work on it. Be brave now, and look for that source of courage/strength that exists within you. You know that Christ died for your sins....and you don't have to feel the guilt of any physical or emotional pain you've inflicted on another. His forgiveness has made you white as snow once you truly ask for it. "Dios le bendiga" (God Bless you!)
Love beth :sun

[silly]

this is kinda a hard post for me, I too have a fear of living and being on my own. I know it'stime to grow up and move on but in some wierd way i like being sick, i like having the security that comes along with it. I"m getting out of all that now. I guess oneday i just woke up and saw all the things that i was missing by "not living".
I"m not gonna throw anyway my chance at life by being sick all the time. i want to go out and do things and have fun. i want to be okay and just smile because the sun is out instead of smiling because my scale went down.
This is hard but it needs to be down. i guess i'm growing up after all.

:canada
silly

[Anonymous_Member009]

beth/Pella:

I like what you said above about courage. SOMETHING WE (ME,TOO) ALL HAVE...an internal resource i only need to engage... that is not an idea, but an action statement...one that requires conscious behavior. I am sure that when you began your recovery, you made a choice to forge ahead despite what probably looked like MASSIVE FEAR, making your daily decisions by courage, throwing out fear statements/demands as you recognized them... I will definitely keep you in mind as an example of recovery success using both your own courage and strengh and God's who so abundantly provides help, mercy, and grace. AS I CREATE THOSE SAME SUCCESSES ON MY JOURNEY, I WILL BECOME MORE CONFIDENT IN MYSELF (thus, self-esteem fuel for further victories).

I appreciate all that you've said...especially the gentle reminder to keep my eyes focused on the prize. A quote i keep encountering: Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off of your goals. One of my obstacles IS unforgiveness of self - everyone, GOD, my parents, my sister, have forgiven me (i'm my biggest trouble in that area).

Thanks for responding. Sorry it took me so long to respond back. I hope you see this.

Is your program that you taped something that I can see? Will you let me know?

[Anonymous_Member009]

Silly:

I'm so glad for your decision to heal. You really are making a choice FOR LIFE! With ED's there is no chance for life - wasted years is all you get for all the energy focused into a stupid disease. WE ARE CAPABLE OF SO MUCH!!!!

It is easier to be sick - no responsibility to ever make something out of yourself.

KEEP YOUR HOLD ON LIFE!!!
jeanette

[Pella]

:hugonPicasso:hugoff
Of course I read your reply! :grin This is my favorite board to check in with. Thank you. The show will air sometime next month. I'm not sure when? They are supposed to get in touch with me and even give me a tape of the program I was on. When I find out more info....I will certainly let you know? Take care.
Love beth :sun:love