Ins and Outs of My Heart

[Garth]

Warm Greetings to All

There are moments in my life , away from home , that I truly feel good about being Garth . Yesterday . . I had one of those days where those moments turned out to be most of the day . Yet , upon returning home . . . I could feel my spirit sink . . . my heart melting before my feet. . . . there I lay upon the floor . . . full of tears in an empty bucket .
Those precious moments . . . are gone . . but not forgotten . . . they could never be forgotten . . . ever . This day has been most difficult . . I don't want to be here . . . yet this is where I am to be for now . I so wish to trust . . . that I am exactly where I need to be this day . . . but . . . damm . . . those but's . . . my thoughts are full of doubt . . . clouding my hearts vision . That seems the essence of my struggle . . . those cloudy thoughts.
Well . . . everyone . . . I wonder if this sounds familiar to anyone . . . or not .
I also wonder if the lonesomness I feel . . . is really a longing for my own heart . . . for the love there . . . . the this love is profound . It is the love of all . . . for all . . with all . It hurts so . . . feeling but a small wave of it . . . like sitting on the beach . . being carresed
by small waves from the tide . . . all the while . . . . watching that beautiful . . . vast sea . . . . . a sea of all creation .
Imagine that if you can.
Here I sit . . . on my floor . . . tears at my feet . . . brought from that very sea . . wondering what to do next . . . I just don't know.
I don't know why I'm here . . . I can only summize for but this moment . . . I hope someone . . someone may read this . . . and something happens . . something wonderful.
Much love . . good nite .

:love Garth:sun

[DeafGally]

Garth-
I completely understand where you are coming from! And I must tell you that I really like your style of writing, don't give up. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. It gives me a sense of connection to people who have/or are affected by ED's.

Amanda
aka
DeafGally

[Pella]

:hugonGarth:hugoff
Your description of sitting on a beach surrounded by the awareness of the vast sea of creation brought up this feeling/realization of how limited this exsistance is and how VAST the universe it! But we don't have to limit our sources of love. God and the universe have an unlimited supply of what we need, including love:love. If we are open to receiving love, we will begin to receive it. Including from ourselves.

YOU are here for a reason Garth. You don't have to explain-----you just have to BE Be open. Stand in truth (even the pain). Trust what you know. Can you explore what it means to love yourself?:happy

Discover what was different for you when you experienced those "good moments" away from home? Why did your spirit sink, your heart melt and tears flow? You express SO much feeling. Feelings are energy! Messages. They help us know who and where we are. Not to feel is not to be alive. You can't heal what you can't feel.

I often feel lonely too. The lonesomness can be a friend sometimes. But where there is loneliness....there is a sensitivity. There is awareness and promise. Your heart is so full. Let all the love welling up in your heart take hold and become the guiding force in your life. I hope your father is getting stronger and doing well. Love beth

[Garth]

Thank you Amanda . . . for your kindness .

Dear Beth ,

Ohhhhh . . . how your response warmed my heart this morning. I appreciate greatly your reflections . . . wisdom . . . and expressions . There is much to ponder.
I feel so utterly vulnerable . . . my thoughts are full of fear right now . . . fear of being forgotten . . left alone .
I fear . . . that the love inside of me is not enough . . for me . . . or anyone else . . . fear . . I cannot do for myself . . . . I'm so afraid . . . of living from my heart fully as Garth . I do not believe I can . . . though I do believe in the mere possibility . . I do believe that .
I could write forever about where I am and how I got here . Yet , what you see here is all I have to offer for this moment .
I still struggle with Bulimia on a daily basis . I have been unable to work for some ten years now . Since then . . . I decided to embrace this dis-ease . . . to go with it rather than against it .
Right or wrong . . . it's what I needed to do . . . and I have no regrets . . . for I wouldn't be right here right now without every moment up 'till now .
I tried all sorts of conventional means to get thru this . . but still I remain in the flow . . . wandering down stream with it .
I noticed there is so much fear . . . everyone wishing for a long and healthy life . . . . meanwhile overlooking this very moment of life. I wish to be wholly in this and every moment . . . how long my life lasts is not only beyond my control . . . but also rather meaningless . . . my body is but a vessel for my soul . . . my body is bound to decay and return to the earth . . . my soul . . . well . . . always will be .
It's not that I do not honor my body . . I do . . . this is why it hurts so much to experience this dis-ease . . it has activated in me a compassion to depths I did not know without it . I do love my self so .
As I go thru this life . . . in everyone I see . . wether in person or image or print . . . I wonder . . . what is on your heart this very moment? This . . . is communication I yearn for . . . . in all this doing and busy-ness we do . . . what does your heart hold this very moment ?
I feel alone often . . . . it seems I speak a foreign language at times . . . I am heard . . . seen . . and felt . . . but there's something missing . . . something that stirs my tender heart .
Well . . . for this morning . . . a gentle . . . fragrant rain is falling outside my window . I know not what this day will bring . . . . my heart still beats . . . my mind still wanders . . . and my soul remains open . . . though delicately so . I wondered if it was a good idea to write all this . . . . well . . . I have little to lose . . . much to gain .
Is this not why we are here?

:love Garth:sun