kareliz
07-16-2002, 09:30 AM
I must start out by saying that my weight is at an all-time high right now. I don't want to put all my focus on weight and be negative here, but it is important to my problem. I am a dancer/choreographer and weight is such a huge issue for me.
I had a baby sixteen months ago and have really never gotten rid of all my pregnancy weight. I have been bad about eating and exercising ever since my son was born. Its just been a hard transition for me, being a SAHM (which I know is a blessing but I'm in the house alone where binging is easy) and also because my mother died at fifty-three years old a year before my son was born. I don't mean for this to be a big pity party for me, but I felt I needed to give the background here.
Anyway, I was getting ready for ballet class last night and decided to wear tights (with shorts over) and a leotard. I usually wear something baggier but I am really working hard on my technique and feel I need to see the lines of my body better in order to improve. I was shocked at how I looked in this outfit. This is going to sound weird, but in my head I am not as large as I really am. In my head I look like I did about two and a half years ago, before my mom got sick and before I was pregnant. The only way I can describe the sight of myself is shock.
I also noticed that my ballet teacher gushes over tall skinny dancers and overlooks others like me. She is nice and this is a class for adults (many are older than me and I am thirty-three) but she obviously pays special attention to people who "look" like dancers. This makes me crazy. I have been dancing since I was five years old and no matter how I look I AM a dancer. You might say "find another class" but all classes are like this. I find myself in the strange place of wanting desperately to fit into a mold that I am much too large for -- even when my weight is lower.
I'm sorry this has gotten so long. Thank you for letting me vent. I know what I need to do -- get a grip on my COE and exercise more, but somehow I rarely do these things. I need to start again but its hard when I feel so worthless and fat. I know, fat is not a feeling, but I have no other way to describe how I feel right now.
Thanks for listening. Hope you're all doing okay.
kareliz
I had a baby sixteen months ago and have really never gotten rid of all my pregnancy weight. I have been bad about eating and exercising ever since my son was born. Its just been a hard transition for me, being a SAHM (which I know is a blessing but I'm in the house alone where binging is easy) and also because my mother died at fifty-three years old a year before my son was born. I don't mean for this to be a big pity party for me, but I felt I needed to give the background here.
Anyway, I was getting ready for ballet class last night and decided to wear tights (with shorts over) and a leotard. I usually wear something baggier but I am really working hard on my technique and feel I need to see the lines of my body better in order to improve. I was shocked at how I looked in this outfit. This is going to sound weird, but in my head I am not as large as I really am. In my head I look like I did about two and a half years ago, before my mom got sick and before I was pregnant. The only way I can describe the sight of myself is shock.
I also noticed that my ballet teacher gushes over tall skinny dancers and overlooks others like me. She is nice and this is a class for adults (many are older than me and I am thirty-three) but she obviously pays special attention to people who "look" like dancers. This makes me crazy. I have been dancing since I was five years old and no matter how I look I AM a dancer. You might say "find another class" but all classes are like this. I find myself in the strange place of wanting desperately to fit into a mold that I am much too large for -- even when my weight is lower.
I'm sorry this has gotten so long. Thank you for letting me vent. I know what I need to do -- get a grip on my COE and exercise more, but somehow I rarely do these things. I need to start again but its hard when I feel so worthless and fat. I know, fat is not a feeling, but I have no other way to describe how I feel right now.
Thanks for listening. Hope you're all doing okay.
kareliz