Lies

[HippieChick]

My boyfriend has been gone for two weeks now for job training, with another two weeks to go until he comes home. Well since he's been gone my eating disorder had taken on a life of its own. There's no one here to watch over my shoulder to watch every fucking morsel I put in my mouth.

He has called quite a few times since he's been gone and I pretend everything is peachy here. It's weird before he left he asked me if I was eating enough, of course I said I was though I was lying. Now he assumes I've been cooking, though that is far from the truth. I haven't been eating much of anything, unfortunately my calorie intake has been cut in half since he was home. When he was here I was semi eating normally, because he cooked at night and I felt obligated to eat.

I know I've been lying to him, keeping my dirty little secret to myself. I'm scared to tell him, because he thinks I'm just wizzing through recovery. Well damn it I'm not. I'm in a lot of pain and I don't want to tell him. I don't want to disappoint him. The fact is I don't want to lose him. What if this relapse throws him over the edge and he say "fuck it I've had enough". So in that case I have to keep it a secret. I want him to think I'm find, not fucked up like I am at the moment.

I can't stand lying to him, there are other things I've lied to him about lately. Damn it I got drunk last Saturday night with the man I had an affair with two years ago. Oh shit I can't believe I just said that. I didn't fuck the guy though there were other friends there, so nothing happened. He doesn't know that and I'm not going to tell him either.

Then why do I feel so dirty not telling him. I feel wrong, but I have to protect him from ME and how I really am.

Anyway enough rambling from the depression queen:grin.

:love Adrienne

[DeafGally]

Adrienne,
Hey hon... I know you want to protect your guy, but it isn't the best idea to EVER keep secrets. Please trust me on this. If you e-mail me, I can give youplenty of examples, but if you aren't interested I don't want to spend all the time typing ;-)
If your guy doens't accept you for you and rejects you because of an ed than it is his problem and even if you think that he is everything, there are other fish in the sea. Who knows.. Maybe lhe will surprise you and be the greatest... You need to be honest though. It is the best policy.
E-mail me if you need to @ HearingAidQueen@aol.com

Love,
Amanda
aka
DeafGally

[HippieChick]

:hugon:angel:hugonAmanda:hugoff:angel:hugoff

Thanks for the supportive words.

You my dear have an e-mail coming your way:shy

:love
Adrienne

[Smiler]

Just in case you check this board regularly and are looking back at your message about "lies" etc., then i wanted to just be another person to let you know that you've been acknowledged and I hear, am here, and understand !

I too lie, so I know what it's all like- it isn't easy, but somehow I feel the lying gives me power over the problem.(i suppose i interpret it this way as it eases the guilt about lying etc.?!)

I don't have answers. I think answers arise from ourselves and with time...!!!

Wishing you all the best,

Smiler

[queen bee]

:hugon :love :stars hippiechick :stars :love :hugoff

Are you ready for this???? Im gonna start challenging ya!!!!

I don't wnat to disapoint him.

Ok. Thats fair enough. But what bout disappointing yourself? You can't get in recovery for someone esle, it has to be for yourself. Sure, it may be hard cos your boyfriends away, but he's not gonna be there all the time, you can't use that as an excuse to slip. You've gotta be strong for yourself. You can do it without someone watching you, be strong sweetie.


The fact is I don't want to lose him.

But is lying to him really the best way to keep him???? Are you really not telling him to protect him or are you doing it to protect your ed? Either way, you cant sacrifice your health just to protect others',whether it be your boyfriend or your ed or whatever. You have the right to be honest bout your problems. You don't have to hide them away to protect others' Im sure he'd appreciate you trusting him enough to be able to tell him, if thats what you chose to do.

Good :clover hon.

[HippieChick]

The one thing I know is that I shouldn't be lying to Daryll. I feel horrible when I lie to people. I think I feel that I will disappoint him, because I have relapsed. This was something that wasn't supposed to happen after being in recovery for one year.

Let me think here

What is the reason I relapsed?

:peace One, I moved out of the state I grew up in. That in itself was harder on me than I thought. I am away from my family and friends. I'm only one hundred miles away from them, but it's not like I can jump in my car on a whim and go see them.

:peace Two, Once I moved up here I knew I would have to find another job after being at the same one for four years.

:peace three, I have to find a new college to finish my degree at.

I can pinpoint when this relapse occured. I'm so unsure of myself in a new place. Right now it's like this eating disorder is all mine right now and it's my only friend. Yes I know it's not a friend, because it will try it's hardest to kill me.

I also think I need to lose a few pounds anyway so why not, I'll stop when I'm satisfied. That is also a lie, because I didn't stop the last time.

No one here knows I have an eating disorder so I don't bother telling them, that way no one is watching my every move. My other job my co-workers were concerned and watched me.

Any weight I have lost may be minimal, but it's just a matter of time before people will know again.

I worry more about what others are going to say and I don't want to hurt them. So what's the most logical move, keep this to myself. Last time it took me so long to tell someone I had an ED it could have killed me.

Guess I got a lot to think about.

Thanks for the challenge.

I do seriously need to be thinking about this. I can't let myself fall like I did the last time.

:love Adrienne

[piscesfriend]

Hey there,

I am glad you are giving this issue more thought. Let me give you yet another perspective to possibly consider...

My name is Amanda, I don't have an ED and I am here because my b/f Chris (Heart of A Lion) is recovering from A/B. He and I have been together for three years, and for two and three-quarters of those years, he has had an ED. I just want to let you know that trust and good companionship is built on HONESTY. Chances are, your b/f will know you've been slipping when he gets back, and if you continue to lie to him about it, he'll feel like you don't have any faith in HIM. That's how I felt when Chris lied to me. It was like, "why is he lying to me? Doesn't he know I want to help him with this? Doesn't he know I wouldn't want him to suffer alone? Why won't he give me a chance to care about him?". So, I agree that lying to people who care about you, is not protecting them, it's HURTING them, and it's only protecting your ED. Please stay on your guard against the voice of the ED. It can be very convincing. Just remember, if your b/f asks you how you're doing, it's because he WANTS TO KNOW!!! :) He cares about you very much, it seems, and does not want a fake answer. If he is brave enough to ask, it means he's ready for whatever answer you give him. Sure, it might be harder at first to tell the truth, but let me tell you, in the long run, it will save your relationship, your health, your sanity, and possibly, your life. Please, please reach out to him. Next time he asks, answer him truthfully, because he wants to know, and he wants to help.

Much love and best wishes,

Amanda.

[HippieChick]

:hugon Amanda :hugoff

I've been avoiding writing on this thread again, because I've been trying to justify what I'm doing. What you said really got to me. I know he cares and wants to know if something is bothering me.

While he was here for a week, he did ask me if everything was okay. I know he genuinely wants to know. I just don't want to disappoint him that I've relapsed. I suppose it would disappoint him more if I kept it from him.

He sees a lie as not saying anything about something that is bothering me. I see it as if I never said anything at all it's not a lie, because he never asked me about it. I know that's screwed up logic, but that's how I see things.

This is just so damn hard, because I am relapsing after a year of working on recovery. Don't you see I'm supposed to be well now and I don't want people to be disappointed. I guess I need to stop worrying what others think I suppose. I guess if I put my faith in others I'd find out they wouldn't react how I think they would. Who knows I suppose.

:love Adrienne