Guilt and Lies

[GardenOfSimple]

Part of this message :trigger... purging. cutting.

Okay... I feel kinda guilty. Melinda (t) asked me this week if I had any razors. I told her that I didn't. But, I do. But, there's no way I can tell her the truth because, even if she DOESN'T tell my mom, I won't be able to keep them, and I don't know.... I just don't want to give them up.
Oh... I used them. I didn't even have them a week. Well, actually earlier this week I threw all but one of them out so I could keep it in my purse easier... hide it easier...
But, anyway... here's what happened. I had met up w/ a friend on Friday night. We talked, and one of the things she said was that she wasn't bulimic anymore. (That's not why we became friends... when we became friends, neither of us had an ed... and we're not close, so both of ours started w/out the other one knowing.... cuz actually I've never gotten together w/ her out of school before this time.)
Well... anyway, on Saturday, we got together again. We went to the mall. We ended up eating lunch there. I know I didn't have an extremely large amount, especially since I had next to nothing the day before... Well... I really wanted to purge. So, I went to go do it, and she knew. And she went to, too. She went in the stall right next to mine... So, I'm standing there hearing her gag and everything. I felt so guilty. (Also, was kinda thinking "ha, ha... i'm quieter than you...") But, anyway... I then purged. And, I felt even more guilty because I was there purging and she knew that I was... It always makes me feel guilty when someone knows I'm doing it. And I felt guilty that she did it, too. So, I got my razor out and cut. It was neither the first time that day that I cut nor purged.
So, I promised that I wasn't going to let the cutting be like it was before... literally giving myself hundreds of cuts (and counting them as i did it...) at a time daily... so, I decided that, under no circumstances, will I cut two days in a row. So, my goal for today was not to cut. And, I didn't. But, I want to. When I cut in the bathroom in the mall yesterday, I suddenly felt so calm... no more guilt... no more tears... just calmer and happier. In a way, I wish it didn't work still (And I was surprised, actually, when after going to SAFE it still worked... i thought that going over a month w/out injuring, it wouldn't work any more... but it did...)
Well... I know that none of this is healthy....
I'm sorry for writing all this. It probably doesn't even belong here... And sorry for being so depressing... I guess I wanted someone who understands to hear me... yeah, its nice having friends, but they don't understand... i dunno... (oh, and i did tell my friend that i bought the razors... the one who helped me to not buy them and stayed w/ me untill i got in line to pay... -- in reference to my "Yesterday" post....)
Well... thanks for reading and sorry again.
(besides for what i wrote already, i'm also sorry if this is confusing or boring....)
well... hope to hear from you guys..
lotsa love from....

[buttercup_fairie]

:hugon jamie :hugoffi know what you mean about feeling guilty cause someone knows what you're doing and i'm sorry to hear that you're having such a bad time. but you have to remember, it's not your fault that your friend purged as well, it was her choice. if she really had recovered and stopped(like she said) she never would have followed you into the bathroom and done it :love so it's not your fault, you can't control what others do :kiss

i wish i could take your pain and suffering away and have you be happy. i know you felt better after you cut but just remember that that won't solve all your problems, it'll just add to them. at the time it may seem better but trust me, it just adds to the problems. take care and keep fighting, i'm always here if you want to talk :love