What am I doing?

[Shuffleboard Queen]

:trigger (talks about binging/spitting out food in fairly graphic detail)

I'm a restricter who usually purges by exercise, lax's, etc :ugh but I was told yesterday by my T that I should go into a residential program because I am making nada progress :reallymad My emotions are absolutely all over the place, from pissed at having to quit my internship (which I had to bust some major ass to get in the first place- they only accept about one-tenth of the people who apply) to relieved at not having to deal with everything on my own. I called my parents to try and start working out logistics on getting me moved the second there's an opening in Renfrew, and I just suddenly wanted to bloody EAT. :sad :cry :mad

:trigger

So I ransacked my junk food stash in my apartment (which I usually keep as a test of my "strength") and just started shoving in my mouth, chewing, and spitting it out. I don't know how much I ate, or for how long. But it felt so good...and now I feel so guilty. There are starving children all over the world, and I had to go and bloody demolish God only knows how much food! I am an awful person for doing this! And I feel like a complete screw up because I can't get better right, but that I'm not good enough at the ED to be giving it up!

My thoughts are spinning right now, so I'm going to go take a LONG hot shower. Sorry for making all of you :world listen to me, but I didn't know what else to do.

:cargreen Carrie

[buttercup_fairie]

:hugon carrie :hugofftake some deep calming breaths and calm down alright? you won't be able to think clearing if all those thoughts are running through your head at once :love

i think you should STOP keeping that junk food stash cause it won't help your recovery. i know you keep it to test your strength but it's not helping you at all. i've tried that with razor baldes before and it doesn't work, if anything it makes things worse cause you know that the food is always there and it gets to be tempting.

i really think you should go IP cause it'll help. i know your emotions are all over the place and being IP will help. and i've heard great things about renfrew. i think you should take the oppotunity. take care and keep fighting, i'm always here if you want to talk :love

[thursday]

I know it's been a week since your therapist told you that you might want to consider going IP. I just wondered if anything further has happened along those lines, like if there has been an opening, or how you are doing in general. I know you sounded pretty upset in your post.

I also wanted to say that although you have this internship right now that you worked so hard for, that the time is never really going to be right to go. There will always be something that you'll have to sacrifice or put on hold. I hope that you go to Renfrew or wherever you can get the help that you need. I'm sorry that you haven't been making any progress in therapy without the IP.

thursday

:ican

I can take care of myself.