death

[farmgirl]

I hope I can talk about this here. I hope I can make sense of my feelings and thoughts. I hope someone here can say something to help me understand what is going on . . .

I think about death a lot. I am not referring to suicide or hurting anyone (including myself), but just the idea of getting old and dying. It leaves me feeling terribly frightened, terribly sad. I think about my relatives that have passed on, about my parents getting older, and about my own life, flying by.

I don't want to die. I'm scared. This affects my daily life - I think I avoid living my life, because then it will be over. I don't know if I'm making sense or not.

I am overweight, a COE. I feel intense anxiety about death and dying for myself and for others. It seems that a fear of death would keep me from eating so much and being overweight (unhealthy), but it doesn't. I think it's one of the causes of my problem. I don't know what to do.

I was not raised with any sort of spiritual teaching - my family didn't attend church, and we didn't talk about anything related to faith. I have explored different religions, and met people of many faiths who feel they have answers to afterlife, the circle, etc. I know that other people have dealt with the issue of death - I have not, and I don't know how. I am miserable. I feel so very sad. I look at living things - people, animals, plants, trees - and I feel sad because they will all die in their due time. It just leaves me raw and hurting.

If you can understand this, relate, or offer any suggestion, I'd really appreciate a reply. Thanks for reading, and sorry if I've posted inappropriately.

-Laura

[purple_tao]

:hugon farmgirl :hugoff

...nothing inappropritate about your post :touched...

I think people fear death because they aren't sure what's on "the other side". In an ironic way, death IS part of life. It's all how you look at it. Some people will say it's the end. Nah, I don't. It's just another door opening. I'm actually very curious to see what's on the other side :surprise !!..... not that I'm anxious to leave this life!

I think about death quite a bit, too ..so you're not alone in that thinking... I fear that my years of having an ED have stolen precious lengths off my future. I've wondered what it would be like if I died NOW--how my family would cope. My husband, my daughter.......family, friends....... ooh, kinda morbid. I'm trying to stick to the NOW; CELEBRATE LIFE!!

True, death would have you stop being a COE. Me, a bulimic........ but you have to weigh out all the good we'd also be loosing. I don't conclude that death should be our liberation from our ED's.

One's personal view on the afterlife.....hmm...totally up to THAT individual. You'll have to find your own answer, Laura. I suggest you keep reading books of different spiritual beliefs, talk to folks with varying religious beliefs, and most of all, open your heart. The answer (YOUR ANSWER) will come to you. We here can only express OUR belief on the afterlife. What you choose to believe is yours, and yours alone. Don't let others sway your opinion, either. Spiritual beliefs are the most personal, intimate beliefs we can hold. Who's to say if someone's wrong?? What makes THEM so right?? You stay strong, farmgirl. Keep searching with an open heart.


:peace
:love

[farmgirl]

Thanks, Purple Tao. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this - sometimes I feel really alone.

I didn't mean to say that COE would be ended with death - kinda the other way around. When I make an effort at logic, I conclude that 'If I am so fearful of death, it would make sense to take very good care of myself NOW, and to put death off for as long as possible.' Instead, I am overweight and unhealthy. That seems really conflicted to me.

I think you touched on something else that I feel - like I have wasted so much time. I am thirty five, and I don't know that I've accomplished as much as I was supposed to. So much of my energy has gone into unimportant things, and so much time has been wasted. It just adds to the fear for me.

I don't know - it all depresses me. I feel like I don't have control over any of it, and that may be the problem. I will keep searching, and looking for some peace about this. Thanks so much. :hugonPurpleTao:hugoff

-Laura

[Simone]

Farmgirl,

I cannot pretend to know what death holds for us. I do know that when I wake up from sleep, and my heart is palpitating, I am so frightened. Certainly, I want to be free of this ed (I've often said that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy) but I also know that I don't want to die.

The other day a young man in my town was killed during a baseball game when the ball hit his larynx. I saw the funeral line and had such a curiousity (I would have gone to the wake if my husband had not been around. He would have thought me quite morbid!)

I realize that what I do to myself is very dangerous. I'm presently in relatively good health, but I've injured my heart a bit, and I could die.

My best advice, and the thing that works best for me, is to be present. When I realize how vulnerable life is, and how arbitrary our judgements are, I feel much better in my own body.

During my struggles in the last two years, one of the most supportive people has been the parent of a girl in my daughter's second-grade class. She is a very overweight woman, a lesbian who has adopted a girl from South America (her daughter,) and absolutely one of the most beautiful people I know. Truly, I love her and find her wonderful. (I am not lesbian but I always think that her partner is very lucky to have her!)

When all is said and done, it is what we have given and how we have loved that is most important. I think that one of the most tragic things about eds is that it separates us from love (I can't help but to think of Lucifer, God's favorite angel and the bearer of light, who was cast into Hell for his arrogance.)

Write whenever you want to. Sending much love and goodness your way (I just said a prayer for you)-
:flower

[farmgirl]

Thank you, Simone. You have been so helpful to me here. I think that on some level, we all hold some fear of the unknown. Being a COE black and white type of thinker, I guess I want something or someone to make the fear go away. Not realistic, and I'm learning that. Thank you for sharing your own struggles - it helps me feel less alone.

-Laura

[doggie]

:hugonLaura:hugoff It is a scary thing to think of death as the end.....I wish you could come to know that it is not the end but a continuation of your journey. If you feel overwhelmed looking into all the different schools of thought on this subject perhaps you could just sit quietly,hands resting comfortably on your lap and eyes closed for five mins morning and night and listen to your breathing. When we're quiet all sorts of insights appear to us. It may take a few weeks of doing this but I truly believe that the answers you seek about the higher issues of life will be made clear to you if you just listen and remain open to suggestion......:peace & :love :dog

[farmgirl]

Thanks, Doggie. I'll try that, and soon.

Love,
Laura

[farmgirl]

bumped, for zorkwhat

[zorkwhat]

thank you farmgirl,
it was comforting to know that i am not alone in my fears and searching. i will share any answers or insights with you.