Black and White

[crimson_promise]

my name is rebecca, and i just recently joined SF. So, in a way this is both an introductory to me, and a sharing of some thoughts ive had that..well, i guess id like to get some insight on, by fello fishys.
im not sure if the way i have been feeling is a cause of my eatind disorder, but at the same time i dont have a memory or a certain distinction of time as to when i first began to feel this way. And that is living in the mode of black and white. everything i see is either black or white. yes or no. there is no grey, maybe. and i hate it. because i cant get better living in those mode.
Everything is to the extreme. I either want to completely admit to myself that i have an eating disorder and 'completely' get "better". Or i want to not acknowledge that i have on at all and keep going down this path of self destruction.
I want to lose weight now. Or eat until i die.
I want to get help. Or continue sitting here in denial.
I cant live with the extremes of living in a Black and white mode.
Its mentally, emotionally, and even physically killing me.

[ARTgrrlOne]

:sun :cute :love :kiss :hugon :hairy ReBeCCa :hairy :hugoff :kiss :love :cute :sun

Welcome to the :bowl ...I'm glad you found your way over here! :grin

I can totally relate to the black and white thinking and would have to say that has been a big road block that I've been working on with my therapist. I know how easy it is to talk yourself out of help, but girl....you deserve to be happy!!! :happy I'm not sure when my black and white thinking started either, but its something to explore...

I don't think I ever asked you, but are you in therapy? I think you would feel so much better having someone to talk to and being able to figure out behaviors and things together. I know that if I wasn't in therapy right now, well...things would be hella bad! :ugh

I also wanted to say I hope you find your way over to the anorexia/bulimia boards...there is a lot of support there, as well as this whole site :grin (but thats where I swim mostly...)

take care of you girl!!!!

:love
Ally :sun (yes, THE Ally that ya know :winky )

[JenniferO]

:flower:bugcrimson_promise:bug:flower

hi! welcome to the :bowl!!

i can totally relate to thinking in black and white. that is how i was raised, (and i believe my parents still hold this view) i think that there are black and white things, but most of the world lives in grey. i'm slowly learning how to live in a grey world, and it's actually happier in the grey world, then in a stiff black and white world.
the hardest thing about thinking in terms of black and white is trying to recover from an eating disorder. i start thinking that recovery should happen over night, and that i should be ALL better. i'm learning slowly that that won't happen. so yeah, i hear ya!
take care of yourself, and i hope to get to know you better!

[blissful]

:hugon :love rebecca :love :hugoff

Welcome to the :bowl...

Yes...the infamous black and white thinking....or better known in psychological terms as "dictotomous thinking"...

This is a characteristic that many people with eating disorders have....thinking in extremes...
all or nothing...

Finding the "grey" area is possible...but it takes some work...

You need to begin to alter the way you view certain situations...retrain your mind to comprehend and believe that the middle is okay...that if a day starts off badly..it does not mean that the rest of the day is ruined...
It takes some time, and practice...but if you want to change your thinking, then it is possible to do so...

hang in there...
:sun jamie :sun

[juicy]

Hey Rebecca, I totally understand the black and white feeling, I call it the all-or-nothing thoughts. I think for me, I am a perfectionist type, so I guess I see everything either as good or bad. I'm not sure what to do about it except that acknowledging it is the first step and after that, trying to ACCEPT that things don't have to be so black or white. I'm new too to SF, and hope to fully recover, but I know that there will be some grey areas to deal with. Ugh!

[CerealKiller]

Rebecca :flower

Recognizing the errors in perception is the first and biggest step. :stars Print this note out as a reminder to yourself and keep it with you, or at least at home in a journal that you can look over at night.

I think these kind of errors in perception do contribute to dysfunctional behavior such as eating disorders, addictions, self-injury and so forth. When we view reality in this way, our view of reality is distorted and it makes it hard to function in reality as others do because we are feeling so much more pain than most people do. The sad thing is that so much of this pain comes from our own mind, and if we can learn to see reality clearly, then we will not be feeling so much pain and thus will not need things like eating disorders to help us feel better and cope.

No one can or should live with the extremes of black and white thinking. If you don't have a therapist, find one now and go right in and tell her 'this is something I often do, and I need help in dealing with it, what should I do and where is the best place to start?' Let her be your ally. And in early recovery a good therapist can serve a safe place for reality checks, to make sure you don't slip back into the distorted modes of thinking and make you aware of it when you do. And of course, with good honest work at home in journaling and here, you can increase your self-awareness. Being honest with yourself about yourself is the first and most important step on the road to recovery, I think. For me, my biggest breakthrough came when I was able to acknowledge my flaws without beating myself up and saying 'I must be a horrible person.' In the past I'd always vaccillated between extremes: Either I was being horribly mistreated and underappreciated, or my lack of success was because I was a horrible rotten person, a total fuck-up, blah blah, blah.' Well, those extremes don't do anyone any good, because no person, including me, is all good or all bad. Honesty came when I could say 'You know...I didn't handle that very well and I can see why the results were not successful. And I see how my perceptions were distorted. But I know I mean well and I have a good heart so what can I do in the future so this doesn't happen again?' And from there, you begin to check your own behavior and reactions to things and see when they are appropriate and when they are not.

You have the self-honesty required to recover, and I hope you will choose recovery, because in the end it will make your life a happier place to be. :flower Luck and strength to you on your journey. :bug

:ufo :drawblue

Be who you are and say what you feel; those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.