Starflower
06-30-2001, 03:17 PM
Hello there repliees
Thank you for replying to my post, and for listening to what I had to say. I felt mean when SFishy had replied. I hope I didn't cause any offense. :shy
My thoughts - a few things
Yes - Moderator is a label. And my esteem is not beyond labels yet. Once I had read this - I thought of a few other labels I use on myself. So that was a useful exercise for me. I realise I label others and try to stop. But I label myself, often in a harsh way.
NO - I would probably not make a good moderator. SFishy - I have been in recovery/recovered for over a year. And had treatment. But my esteem is not good enough. I KNOW that I would be uncomfortable questioning others. I had always known that. I know I wouldn't want to be the brunt of anger as I have seen you subjected to.
Being a mod meant to me
Being admired, being loved, being accepted, being valued. Being wanted. Being seen in a favourable light by Tony and Amy.
:shy I've been around here a while, and I wonder if they notice me at all. You know when you have a favourite teacher and you just want them to notice you and stuff. :shy. It's that.
I think it's alot to do with my past. As a survivor I think alot of us are brought up being rewarded for our actions and not for being ourselves. I know that in my house it is still quite an emotionally abusive place, and I constantly strive for acceptance from people who should love me unconditionally. And yet they put conditions on what affection I am allowed.
I will continue to use this forum to put up posts like the mod one. I think it's always important to say how you feel no matter what.
I also truly believe my signature.
In counselling we discussed what Shellikins said. That I feel I am not acceptable as ME. but I must try and be someone. Here I try to be Starflower, and although I realised some time ago that I could not achieve those big things, it is somehow tempting to try.
I do write posts that I hope make people think. But I don't intend them for the whole bowl.
But I want Starflower to be someone good.
As long as I continue to strive and continue to write and continue to use my voice, I will end up OK.
I often question why I still write on these boards. Because I am not finished with my esteem, becaue I am still working on my spirituality. Because I sitll have abuse issues. and because I do want to help. I probably could help better without a mod label.
I want to inspire others. I DON'T want all I have been through to be for nothing. I want to feel like my sufferings are for some greater good. Like my pain can be used for good. Like I add to the world, not take away from it.
I just want to achieve. Not academically, but spiritually, emotionally.
I feel like my abuse and my fightng needs to help other people. BUt moderating isn't right for me now. I think we can all tell that anyway.
THanks for your replies, and for reading this is you managed.
Love and peace and harmony.
PS _ I got my hair cut really short. A big thing for me, since I associate short hair with lots of bad stuff. But I was sick of my hair.
I felt like it was a very positive step. And a "I don't care what other people think I am doing it for me kind of thing.
Thank you for replying to my post, and for listening to what I had to say. I felt mean when SFishy had replied. I hope I didn't cause any offense. :shy
My thoughts - a few things
Yes - Moderator is a label. And my esteem is not beyond labels yet. Once I had read this - I thought of a few other labels I use on myself. So that was a useful exercise for me. I realise I label others and try to stop. But I label myself, often in a harsh way.
NO - I would probably not make a good moderator. SFishy - I have been in recovery/recovered for over a year. And had treatment. But my esteem is not good enough. I KNOW that I would be uncomfortable questioning others. I had always known that. I know I wouldn't want to be the brunt of anger as I have seen you subjected to.
Being a mod meant to me
Being admired, being loved, being accepted, being valued. Being wanted. Being seen in a favourable light by Tony and Amy.
:shy I've been around here a while, and I wonder if they notice me at all. You know when you have a favourite teacher and you just want them to notice you and stuff. :shy. It's that.
I think it's alot to do with my past. As a survivor I think alot of us are brought up being rewarded for our actions and not for being ourselves. I know that in my house it is still quite an emotionally abusive place, and I constantly strive for acceptance from people who should love me unconditionally. And yet they put conditions on what affection I am allowed.
I will continue to use this forum to put up posts like the mod one. I think it's always important to say how you feel no matter what.
I also truly believe my signature.
In counselling we discussed what Shellikins said. That I feel I am not acceptable as ME. but I must try and be someone. Here I try to be Starflower, and although I realised some time ago that I could not achieve those big things, it is somehow tempting to try.
I do write posts that I hope make people think. But I don't intend them for the whole bowl.
But I want Starflower to be someone good.
As long as I continue to strive and continue to write and continue to use my voice, I will end up OK.
I often question why I still write on these boards. Because I am not finished with my esteem, becaue I am still working on my spirituality. Because I sitll have abuse issues. and because I do want to help. I probably could help better without a mod label.
I want to inspire others. I DON'T want all I have been through to be for nothing. I want to feel like my sufferings are for some greater good. Like my pain can be used for good. Like I add to the world, not take away from it.
I just want to achieve. Not academically, but spiritually, emotionally.
I feel like my abuse and my fightng needs to help other people. BUt moderating isn't right for me now. I think we can all tell that anyway.
THanks for your replies, and for reading this is you managed.
Love and peace and harmony.
PS _ I got my hair cut really short. A big thing for me, since I associate short hair with lots of bad stuff. But I was sick of my hair.
I felt like it was a very positive step. And a "I don't care what other people think I am doing it for me kind of thing.