ouchy...

[Lil_Tenacity]

hi fishies...
it's been a while since i posted or even came to this site.
a lot has happened since then. i've been home for the summer for the past two months, and my parents have been really supportive. my mom went with me to see a professional nutritionist, and i decided to eat well and exercise well, so i could be a healthy and happy person. i gained a little bit of weight as i started to eat normally, but then it stabilized at a relatively low but healthy number.

then... i started thinking that if it was so easy to eat moderately and maintain a stable weight, why not just diet for a SHORT while, lose a pound or two, and then have my weight re-stabilize at a slightly lower weight? sigh. so i started doing that. and we all know that that's just the beginning of thinking in unhealthy ways again. and sure enough, i began counting calories again and hiding parts of food in my napkin at mealtimes, and skipping meals when my parents weren't around.

this past week, my parents were out of town for **** days, and i barely ate anything the whole time. they came back yesterday, and so meals were normal again for a bit... but tonight, i was home alone for dinner time. i planned on skipping again, but somehow something inside me snapped and i ended up wolfing down **** bagels, **** pastries, an apple, and an ice cream bar. i felt terrible. i went to the bathroom thinking that i would try to get rid of it, but somehow i stopped. i couldn't do it. "i have to move on," i thought to myself. if i don't start forgiving myself for mistakes and looking forward NOW, i never will.

so that was an hour ago. i still feel yucky now. but i want to try. i prayed to God and repented, and asked for forgiveness. and i'm going to try to forgive myself.

sigh. it's so hard...

anyone have any specific recovery advice? =D

thank you for listening!! i love you all.

[KWFL]

I don't have alot of advice to give, but I can really identify with that obsession to not eat, diet, loose weight and then totally loose control and compulsively overeat ending with abinge; the cycle just begins all over again. That's what I do, I obsess about food to avoid dealing with me. For me it just does not feel comfortable eating "normal portions", I am working on that.
If we forgive ourselves and understand like you said it was only a mistake. Thank you for your post that it has given me a lot of hope that my recovery will stablize and that I am not alone. I can once again focus on me and my feelings and not the food. I will do that today.

[emma lucy]

:hugon Lil Tenacity :hugoff

I think you have summed up what just about every :fishy feels like and goes through. There comes a point when after restriction, the floodgates open and you just want to binge :sad
But you are fighting this thing and that's great. Remember, you are allowed to forgive yourself and go easy on yourself.
This was a slip and you can move on from this.
Keep :kick and :edbgone

:bandwagon

[*star]

:hugonliltenacity:hugoff
im glad to see you are trying to forgive yourself and are looking for help.. coming here asking advice takes a lot of :fishy guts! all i can say is that a slip is a slip, not goodbye to the whole recovery. just keep working at it little by little and you can do it!

[hmm]

i just want to say a huge well done, that was the most incredibly brave thing to do, not to purge or anything else like that, and instead try to deal with those feelings (which I know are absolutely appalling)
i went to a proff. nutritionist for EDs yest and she has given me one majorly normal meal plan, in that its food that any normal person would eat. but she knows what she's doing, im just in a panic that i'l put on weight if i eat like a normal person.
i also started therapy, which i really think u should too, if u arent already in it, because its actually the ONLY way to deal with the issues/emtions u are suppressing with your ED so that u will get really and truly better.
yest i was told i was at the PERFECT weight. as in perfect.
and im still not happy. so that must say something!! its not just about the weight or the food.
u are a total inspiration, keep on trying hard and lots of luck
hmm
xxx

[Lil_Tenacity]

aww!
you fishies are SO wonderful!!

thank you for all your posts! i was overwhelmed by the positive response from all of you, and i am so very encouraged.

well, since the night i last posted, i have been eating normally. sometimes i'm still struggling to know when and if i should eat, and how much is enough or not enough, but i have faith that normal and healthy habits will come naturally with time and practice.

yesterday we had guests for dinner, so my mom made steak. red meat used to be a huge no-no for me. but yesterday i ate some steak, and i ate til i was full! and i was fine! =)

anyway, mom needs the comp, so i should get off. but i wanted to just thank you all from the bottom of my heart... for understanding and being so encouraging.

God bless you all... and good luck with the fight. we have all we need to succeed... it's just our decision... we can do it!

love,
~"Lil Tenacity"~