Discomfort with praise and success

[Meister]

Hi Fishies,


I know that a lot of people here struggle with accepting compliments and praise. I thought I would post my thoughts here.

I struggle with negative body image and periods of binge eating especially during times of stress.

In the past six months, I left my old career and started to go to school at night to become a school teacher. To gain experience, I substitute teach during the day.

Lately, I've been getting compliments about my abilities from both teachers and children. Many teachers ask me to come sub for them and sometimes children whom I've taught before come up to me and hug me if they see me at their school :touched :gimmehug :touched

Of course, not all children like me and not all teachers notice my work.
Unfortunately, i've sent many students to the principal's office or took their recess away for misbehavior. And some teachers just don't acknowledge my existance.

The funny thing is I am not phased at all by kids disliking me nor am I not bothered by being 'invisable' among staff.
But I nearly cringe when someone compliments me-child or adult.

Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed with classes and scared that I won't 'measure up' to my growing reputation. I'm so scared that I'll do a bad job subbing for a teacher that requested me to teach their class.

I love getting hugs from children, but being liked almost makes me physically squirm with discomfort.

My overeating/binging is increasing. My mind is also in 'diet mode'-wanting to loose x pounds in x number of weeks-another aspect of my 'binge mode'.

I'm starting to journal again so that I may express stress in a different way. I'm also trying to eat regularly to prevent the binges.

If anyone has any insight, I would really appriciate it.

Thank you.

[miss_scarlet]

:hugon Meister :hugoff

I can relate to your discomfort with receiving compliments. I'm queen of pointing out my flaws when someone pays me a compliment. Drives my husband nuts!

You know what has really helped me? When someone pays me a compliment, I try to simply smile graciously, and say "thank you". Nothing sounds more ungrateful than someone who says, "No I don't" to someone who tells you you look nice.

People don't generally lie when they're paying you a compliment. Even if, deep down, you don't agree with what they're saying, try to give them a little credit for being able to see something in you that maybe you can't right now.

It's not easy - I have to remind myself almost every time I get a compliment. But it's working. Keep working at it, Meister...and think about this...if all these other people out there think you're a wonderful person, why are YOU having such a hard time accepting that?

[butterflymom]

Hi Meister,
I think that the discomfort that you are experiencing is very normal - even for people with eds. I just think we tend to experience that discomfort more intensely. We are so conditioned to think of others that to focus on ourselves in any way is considered selfish. But a huge inner conflict arises because we desperately need to self validate in order to survive (and certainly in order to recover). So how do we validate ourselves without experiencing guilt or discomfort over seeing ourselves as being selfish? Hm, tough question. The only suggestion that comes to my mind is to have faith that even if you don't believe it now, you are worthy of praise. Accept it, feel it, experience it. Acknowledge your feelings of discomfort and allow yourself to feel those feelings. Feelings won't go away by simply denying them or ignoring them. In fact, they usually intensify unless you give them room to "breathe". But enough lecturing! It sounds like you are a wonderful teacher and that you have a special gift to offer - you should be proud of you!

[Meister]

Dear Miss Scarlett and Butterfly Mom,

Thank you very much for your insightful and encourageing replies.


Miss Scarlett wrote:
...and think about this...if all these other people out there think you're a wonderful person, why are YOU having such a hard time accepting that?

Hmm, good question. I don't have an answer to this question, but this will be something that I will ponder during my journaling time.

Thank you once again. Sorry such a short post, please know I really appriciate the responses.

[CocoBean]

:hugon Meister :hugoff

You've touched on a very tough issue. I struggle too with accepting compliments, and i think that it gets down to the root issue of self esteem. If i can't see myself as worthwhile at anything then how could i ever believe that anyone else would see something good. In that respect i think that one of the best ways to work toward being able to accept compliments is to work on being able to compliment yourself and accept yourself. But that opens a whole other set of issues, and it takes time. A process i'm just starting to allow myself to work on. Hope something here helped. Hang in there!

CocoBean :stars

[Celeste]

I just wanted to agree with the :fishy who suggested just smiling and saying 'thank you.' I have a terrible time with compliments as well. Two weeks ago as I was leaving my dance class a guy in my class stopped me, introduced himself, and asked what my name was (I just recently started dancing again after two and a half years so I'm new in this class) and told me I was "beautiful" in class. :touched Immediately in my head I wanted to say "no I'm not! I'm terrible! I *used* to be good, but not anymore!" but instead I just smiled and said thank you. And since then I've been able to look back on his words, smile to myself, and feel really good about it! If you don't automatically discount it, over time it becomes easier to believe.

:love, Celeste

[SusieUK]

Dear Meister

I so relate to what you have said. I have a hard time with compliments too and I have only ever had relationships, now all over, with people who treated me badly in some way. I find situations stressful at work when I am around people who I believe are very good at what they do or are inspirational to others. I feel they deserve better than to have me around! That's always the initial feeling I have, anyway. That my quality is not as good as they deserve.

I have learnt to stop and tell myself this is patently ridiculous. I look at the evidence of jobs well done, of relief in others if I took the unpopular decision, of praise and smiles and friendliness all round.

I have had to tell myself to believe this evidence more than .... more than what? More than that flippin' voice in my head. Since I took up meditation, it has greatly helped me to see that thoughts are only passing things: they are not reality. But do I ever think of them as such - we all do. We think they're the one, definitive only reality going.

But they're only thoughts and they pass and another thought replaces the previous one. If you ever take time to watch your mind you see the whole procession and that it is like a chattering monkey in our ear. Somewhere along the line for so many of us, it seems, something has reinforced the ideas in the thoughts that we are no good/not as good, whatever.

I can really sympathise with the tension you are feeling as time goes by and you maybe think you'll be discovered as not as good as they have all been thinking. Why? Where's the evidence? You're a marvellous teacher, colleagues appreciate you and children love you. That's the reality. But there's a little voice telling you it isn't true and soon they'll know. The power of that one, very old thought against what has been really going down for others around you and your work!

This voice can be stopped from having such a sway in your mind. You can maybe catch the thought (it takes practice) just as it is coming on you, or just as it left and your mood begins to change from being okay and more confident. Then tell it you're not listening. Do this as often as you can and, believe me, the more you practice this the more you find yourself sailing on better than before, fewer self-doubts, going longer without feeling not okay.

Even as I write this there's a voice telling me I've no right to tell you this, that it's over simplified and stupid and not profound enough to tell you. Why? Where's the reality of that thought? It's been my experience and worked for me. I am saying to it right now "You're just a thought and I'm posting this anyway". I feel some fear and tension as I say that because the voice is trying to tell me that I'm irresponsible (!). I now know from experience that I will have more tension if I indulge the beastly thought and give into it. I'll just post this and let it go. What's the worst thing that can happen? Nothing much, of course. Maybe someone will pick up the advice and be helped! That's probably much more likely to happen than what my voice is saying!! I can't feel this very much, but I can know it intellectually from experience.

I can never change what has happened in the past to internalise this message and this feeling that the voice in my head often seems to give me. I have to do this exercise again and again and again. I often forget this whole topic, my own advice and go for days under a terrible cloud, everything negative building and building. But often enough I also manage to remember and say "Hang on, where and when and with what thought did this load of rubbish begin?" You don't even have to track it down, just remember that it was probably no more than that voice again, a thought which isn't really true.

Someone once used it to beat you up with it, you don't have to continue what they started. Remember, you can't usually pull fast ones on kids!!

:gimmehug lots and lots of :love :butterfly :love

Sue