PDA

View Full Version : Depression and Lonliness are too hard to bear


Thoughts
05-04-2012, 12:49 PM
I can feel my mental health getting worse
Everything is just going down the drain and I feel like there is no way to fix it.
I've been up for a couple of hours (I'm off work) and I've been crying the whole morning. It's just gotten that bad.

I'm going to split this up into three parts since they're all related, but not related at the same time.

PART ONE: FAMILY

One thing that has caused my emotional health to become worse in the past few months is graduation. I graduated last semester but my graduation was such a horrible event I feel like I'm re-living it over by hearing about everyone talk about theirs this semester. It sucks because everyone has such nice graduations and all I can think about it how bad mine was. To make a long story short, my mom is a trigger. She's emotionally abusive and probably the source of my ED, and I usually hold all of it in until I can't take it anymore. Anyways, our relationship isn't really violent but once in a blue moon I get so mad I may throw something at her. I've never admitted this to anyone and I'm even shaking while I'm writing this. It's something I'm ashamed of. (I've apologized for this incident though and my mom forgave me) Well, a few weeks before my graduation we got into this really bad argument and I threw something. She told my sisters so my middle sister hit me with a pan and broke my laptop and my little sister threatened to have some of her boyfriend's cousins come to my job to beat me up. Now, you would think that the relationship between my mom and my sisters is really good by their responses, but it really isn't. They never talk to her, the middle sisters lies to her all of the time, borrows money and never pays it back and I've also had to break up fights between them. The smallest sister ignores her and only comes over when she needs something. To be honest, their reaction to the situation surprised me.

Well, my mom wanted to go to my graduation. I wasn't going to go but I went for her. The day of the graduation I drove with a friend who was graduating as well. My little sister was going to pick her up and drive there and we would go back home with them. Well, I already have really low self esteem and during the graduation I felt absolutely wretched and ugly so it started off on the wrong foot anyways. When I walked to stage and no one clapped it made me realize how lonely I was and how I had no friends. At the end of the graduation when I called my mom and realized she wasn't there I just broke down. What was worse was that I had to wait until my friend was through celebrating with her family (which took about an hour after the ceremony) so I could go home, and I was crying the whole time. It was utterly embarrassing and people kept asking me what was wrong. I didn't go and talk to people or professors I knew after the ceremony. I just stayed in a corner and cried. I layer found out my sister was still mad, and even though my mother wanted to go to the graduation (she told me she started crying when she realized my sister wouldn't pick her up) my sister wouldn't come because of me. The whole situation made me realize how I have really no family, and we're not close anyways. I wish I had a family I could go to and tell my problems. I have no one.

PART TWO: JOB/FINANCIAL

So, I graduated from college last semester and still live at home. I'm twenty-four and only have a part time job that I feel unappreciated at. I feel like my degree was a waste of time and am not even sure I can get a job because I don't have many good references. I have one professor I know I can use but because I had anxiety/depression and an ED during my college career, I was mainly reclusive. It was hard talking to people. I'm the lowest paid person at my job and I work **** departments (most people only work ****) but my work is never appreciated. The turnover rate is unusually high (I've been there for only around **** months but I'm already an older/veteran employee) and the store manager has been reported several times but no one has done anything. I received a pay raise at my review but the raise was only ten cent which still makes me the lowest paid and sometimes it's hard to want to work when you feel like nothing you do will cause you to be noticed. Combine that with depression and anxiety and it makes work almost unbearable. I want a car and I want to move out but I only make eight hundred dollars a month and after each week when I take out what I need I usually have fifty left. How am I supposed to pay car payments, food, and insurance with that? Right now my mom gets food stamps and we receive section eight but because my smallest sister is pregnant we might lose it which means more money has to be spent towards food and the rent will go from fifteen dollars a month to six hundred. My mom has no job and if my check can't cover the rent/other bills then she borrows money from her boyfriend. I'm super stressed out because I'm not sure what to do and in August, that's when I have to start paying back my college loan. I feel like I won't have the money to do anything to start a real life and I don't know how to get help. The future has no hope and sometimes I'm so numb I don't know how to feel.


PART THREE: RELATIONSHIPS
There are none. Emotional/Physical. I don't have a have a problem talking with people and I've made some friends but nothing stays. I want to get out but I'm also embarrassed because I don't have a ride and I would need them to pick me up. On top of that, I don't have a lot of money so it's hard do anything if I have the chance because I literally count every penny I spend. So many of my friends have financial help from parents, boyfriends/girlfriends,etc. and I feel like they can't understand my situation. I don't have help. It's only me. I'm the only one I know that may be homeless if I don't get it together. It's hard to relate to people and I have no one to talk to about my problems. I ask people if they want to hang out but none of them seem interested. I'm not sure what else I can do. In my mind I create these fantasy relationships of how I want life to be but it makes me afraid that I'll be lonely. I've only had one boyfriend for thirty days which was an attempt at having a friend (I wasn't attracted to him) and all of my sexual relationships were one nighters and left me feeling like shit. I don't think I'll ever get married or have a family. I keep people around me that I am uneasy about, only because they're the only human contact I have.


PART FOUR: MENTAL HEALTH

Right now I'm not receiving any treatment. I was in college and I was on prozac and seeing a T, but now that I'm out I don't get those benefits. I remember myself being really happy during that time and I want to feel like that again. I know my health is deteriorating. I wake up and want to cry. Sometimes I do. I don't want to go to work, but obviously I'm not quitting because we need the money. Sometimes when I getting ready to go to work, I'll find myself just randomly crying. Thoughts just run through my head. Even now, seeing my mother causes me to get extremely anxious. Every time I see her she wants to tell me about some other problem we have and how we might not get any help, when all I want to do is ignore it. I already know we have no options. I don't need to hear it anymore. If I ignore her because I don't want to gossip about my sisters, she yells. If she thinks I eat too much, she yells. I'm her therapist and if I don't listen I get yelled at for it. I remember then depression like this was rare for me, but now I find it baseline. Normal. I'm always thinking about how bleak the future is and how I have no options. It's empty.

nc
05-04-2012, 01:38 PM
Are you actively applying for other jobs while working this job? Can you set a goal to apply for a certain number of jobs a week? Since so many applications are now done over the Internet you would not have to actually go there unless called for an interview.

As for mental health, have you checked with your local Mental Health and Mental Retardation center? They often provide free or low cost (based on income) therapy and medication. As well, have you checked into any free groups in the area that you might be able to attend?

It also sounds like you are caught in a very enabling relationship with your mother. Her problems have become yours and while I understand feeling the need to care for a parent there has to a be point where you don't allow their problems to be yours. Does she not work due to medical reasons or because she chooses not to work? If it is because she chooses not to work can you allow her issues around finances to be her issues?

I know this is all easier said then done but you really can move beyond this. Maybe start with the local MHMR and see if they can provide some help, if your mood improves you may be able to see ways to move beyond the other issues.

Thoughts
05-04-2012, 04:11 PM
She just doesn't work. She needs glasses but that's the extent of her medical issues. And, you know it's funny you caught onto that because when I had a T, she told me the same thing. She told me I needed to start focusing on myself as well because I tend to soak up the problems of everyone else in my family and don't focus on my own.

I have been looking for jobs as well. I went to one interview but the hours were sucky so I was going to use it as a second job (in addition to the one I have now) but when they called me back they told me my hours conflicted. I've applied to a couple more but they aren't following through but I'm still looking.

I've thought about seeing if maybe there is like a self help groups. It sounds odd, but I figured maybe something like AA but for depression or the like. I'd really like to look into because, like you said, I'm pretty sure some of my issues would be non-issues if I had good mental health.


Thanks for the reply!

axi
05-05-2012, 01:13 AM
Erm, no, when you said that they broke your laptop and hit you with a pan, my first thought was not that they loved her, but that they had serious issues. It is not a logical or normal reaction to something like that. If my son threw something at my husband, we would discuss why and I would see if he needed help. I might yell, but it would not cross my mind to break something of his or hit him with a heavy object. It sounds like all of you have anger issues.

I am very, very sorry that they were not there with you for that momentous day. It should have been a day of celebration, not sadness.

I think you need to work on building your life as well. I am thinking you graduated high school, right? If you need a better paying job have you thought of training of some kind? Is there a local job corp or could you work in a nursing home that would pay for a CNA or nursing degree?