View Full Version : Broken Relationship: When You Can't Get Authentic Accountability..

05-04-2012, 12:45 PM
So I've been broken up with my ex since December, and living on my own since March. I am in the 'angry' phase of grief. I am beyond angry, actually. My T assures me that feeling this is healthy, and that it's better to deal with this the way I am, than to not deal with this the way she is.

I am finding myself really, really wanting/needing an authentic expression of accountability and responsibility for her part in the relationship ending. She is a very avoidant personality, and at this point probably not quite capable of doing this.

So, how can I get my needs met with this, without her being able to meet those needs?

It's driving me nuts :whateva

05-04-2012, 01:07 PM
Honestly, letting it go. If she is avoidant, then she isn't going to come up to you and take responsibility for her part. Are the two of you still in contact? What would her saying sorry actually do for you since the relationship is over?

Be angry, scream, throw a pillow. Write a million letters telling her what you think was her part in this. Express the anger, but realize that a response from her may be unrealistic.

05-04-2012, 03:05 PM
In one of my most devastating relationships I needed an ex to admit his role in the events, and particularly his attitude that lead to our demise. I confronted him seven months sfter the breakup but he didnt satisfy my need since he was happier in his life without the strain of "us" but also, I had to be realistic. When attacked (and yes, an angry person confronting another comes across as an attack) they defend. Also, what was he going to say "yes, i admit I'm scum, i dont deserve happiness and you were the best thing that happened to me"

Ten years later we ran into each other. Obviously I had gotten over it (about eighteen months after the breakup) and after catching up he told me why he left and I agreed with why he would have. He also apologized for being such a jerk. See, no longer in the situation and no longet emotional about it I could see clearly. It didn't make me feel anything. Not joy, relief, comfort. I couldn't have cared less actually, but by then I had loved and lost a few others so he was truly a thing of the past.

This was a serious relationship and you just moved out recently. She can't be a punching bag and she can't meet your needs. The process is tough. The anger fades. Maybe not for awhile but this isnt a journey you can share with her.

05-04-2012, 04:20 PM
This sounds like more of a "How can I come to terms in a healthy way with the fact that she will likely not meet my needs" question. Time is indeed your friend, although it feels like an enemy. Patience is a difficult thing to learn (I'm still in class for that one!) but things will get better if you make sure you deal with your feelings in a healthy way.

05-04-2012, 08:24 PM
I am finding myself really, really wanting/needing an authentic expression of accountability and responsibility for her part in the relationship ending.

When a relationships ends there can be a lot of feelings
which are not easy to deal with and I know how painful
some of that can be.

If she couldnt meet your needs in the relationship it may
be possible she may still not be able to meet your needs.

Some people cant or wont accept their part no matter what
we need or want.

What are you really wanting from this?

god bless.

05-07-2012, 08:18 AM
Hi :fishy

Thank you for all you replies :gimmehug

We talked, and she asked what I wanted from her and I told her I just wanted some accountability for her part. I was taking responsibility for my part openly, and in order to get some closure I felt I needed that from her. :ohboy

Yes, shit kinda hit the fan. She blamed ninety-nine percent of it all on my Bipolar Disorder and directly said she wasn't going to give me the accountability I desired :zoinks

I was hurt. Just a few simple words she could have expressed... but no, she was being too selfish to do that (then again, she had become selfish in our relationship, so really if she was unable to give me what I needed in our relationship, how can I expect her to give me what I need outside of our relationship?)

I called my sponsor crying :cry

She re-assured me that the problem indeed had little to do with me, and that my ex blaming it on the Bipolar was a low blow; That since the ex is extremely avoidant and often runs on denial, this was to be expected.

The positive in all this is that I got a bit of closure ~ obviously I am not going to get the accountability from her I so desire. She is unable/unwilling to give it. So now I can stop looking to the outside (her) and start looking from within :confused

05-07-2012, 03:05 PM
You have to be able to just cope with the lack of closure, and let it go.

I fought my most recent ex for MONTHS to get him to try and take some responsibility, and he never did, so I just had to move on with my life and let him move on with his.

It was so hard, but letting go really did help.

05-08-2012, 03:35 PM
Hmmm, coping with the lack of closure :confused

Anything in particular that helped you?

A part of me feeling better knowing she is unwilling or unable to give that to me, so that in and of itself is partly closure. I know... time heals.

The meantime is just so painful and awkward :whateva

05-08-2012, 06:22 PM
Moving on with your life; whatever that means to you, whether you are ready to meet new people, trying a new activity...getting out of your comfort zone forces you to see that life does indeed go on. I move on at a snail's pace. I've had a few long term relationship turned heartbreaks and recovery was the same...time. But negative energy will make the experience worse than not putting energy into something you can't change.

05-09-2012, 07:48 AM
Thank you :gimmehug

I met a new friend yesterday. Ya know it's hard to meet friends if you are single, don't drink and go to bars, etc., BUT... I was at a local tea shop outside on my laptop and this woman came up (about my age) and asked me to watch her dog when she went inside.

We started talking when she came out, and before you knew it we had talked for over an hour! She lives right up the street from me too! So we exchanged #'s and are going to hang out. I thought that was pretty cool :yay

05-09-2012, 08:13 AM
I just wanted to say I think the way you met your new friend is very cool, very organic. I dream of being able to meet people in that way! I can imagine it is difficult as you said when you are single and do not drink or go to bars, but I think as you explore your interests you will meet others who enjoy similar things. I meet with people not just at bars, but coffee shops or over breakfast, or at an art exhibition, or a museum, or meditation class, or just for a picnic in the park. Have you tried meetup.com? I just started using it and have already found people with similar interests and have made plans for future meetups. It's quite exciting. This could be quite an exciting time for you when you think about the freedom you have. I know my sister described to me when she broke up her boyfriend of four years, that at first she had such a hard time coping, until she realised the freedom she had to be herself and do the things that she really wanted to do. She said when she made that realisation it was like the whole world opened up for her.


05-10-2012, 08:34 AM
Thanks Morgan, yup I'm pretty excited at the new possibilities :yay

So update:

She [the ex] has a job interview in another city on Monday. She's been itching for a long time to get out of the city we live in. I am feeling *very* mixed about this.

Thank God I have therapy today :winky

05-13-2012, 07:02 AM
Just an update:

I am actually starting to feel better :yay

I think now that I know for sure that I am not going to get my needs met by her it's really enabled me to not only stop trying to, but also to realize even more the many reasons that led to my dissatisfaction in the relationship. Instead of thinking back to the way things were at the beginning, but rather the way things were towards the end :whateva

This is no longer now about her... it has been for so very long... it's now about me; about moving on and trying to let go. To let the good things come in my life, because now it's my life and not our life. If that makes sense?

... and good things ARE starting to come into my life. It's weird, bittersweet, but also really nice [and a relief.] :cheesy

I'm in this weird in between place though of letting the good things IN, while letting the toxic things OUT. It feels foreign, and uncomfortable at times.

Overall though, I think things are starting to look up... It's about time! :happy