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View Full Version : Another sex post, from the other perspective


fishalthea
05-03-2012, 08:10 PM
I was reading the other thread on this forum about those who don't seem to be getting enough, so I thought I'd start a thread from the other side.

Obviously my bf and I have had a tough time lately. We were on a break where he was to give me some space.....it started as a true breakup but I agreed to think about it. I didn't really get the space I'd asked for, as he was constantly texting me the whole time. In the end we reconciled and I promised to fight for the relationship. I'm still not certain that was the right thing, but he was so kind and understanding, and he really has tried to see things my way and has made a real effort to give me the alone time I need.

Anyway things have been rocky to say the least. And before all of this I had a series of random accidents-truly, random-which had made physically kind of out of sorts, so we have really not had sex since his birthday about a month ago.

And to my point, the point of this thread-I do not want to have sex with him. He keeps trying to initiate, and his advances just totally do not turn me on. Quite the opposite really-all I can think is "how can I get out of this" and I just come up with some excuse. I was on antibiotics for a while, which messed up my digestive system and gave me a mild yeast infection, so that worked for a while, but those are generally better, and he is starting to question why it is still going on. I know I need to be honest but I just don't know what to say. The truth is I just don't want to. Being touched just makes me angry. I know he wants it, and I really don't and I have no real reason.

Just for clarification, I am thirty two years old-so not so young as for sex to be inappropriate, nor hopefully so old that menopause or some hormonal change should be going on. I just have no desire for sex and actually the emotion that comes up when I think about him touching me is anger. I don't know how to figure out why I am feeling angry and desperate to escape when he touches me. This is relatively recent, and I have no history of abuse. We had a pleasant sex life before, or at least earlier in the relationship. But to be honest I did always feel I was doing it for him, and not for me, and if there was a valid excuse not to, I'd always use it. I never really have liked it all that much, but I wanted to make him happy. He has always been eager to make me happy sexually, so maybe I led him to believe I liked it more than I did because it seemed so important to him. Yes. I know, I'm a people pleaser.

Does anyone else just not like sex? And if so, how do I tell my bf this? Do I tell him? What is my responsibility to him, since we are in a committed relationship? I mean, in reading that other thread, I see that he deserves to have his needs honored too, so should I just go along with it in the spirit of compromise?

Bummer, as I write this, I'm having to admit to myself that I've never really liked sex much, with any partner. I've always just done it because it's what people do when they are in a relationship. I'd be perfectly content never doing it again, I do believe.

:love althea

axi
05-03-2012, 08:49 PM
I think you do need to talk about it. He deserves to know how you feel. Otherwise you two will just continue bumping heads over it.

pantherr
05-03-2012, 11:46 PM
I had a teacher who always used to say "if you're not having fun, you're not doing it right" (talking about life in general, but definitely applies to sex).

Not that YOU aren't doing it right or that it's your fault in any way, mind you. I think you owe it to yourself to be honest, and if you want it to work you should expect that it will be fun and pleasurable for both of you. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable. Normally, I'd just say experiment and try new things..but in your case I think this feeling of anger that comes along is worth investigating. You said sex was never awesome for you, but you never felt angry before? Do you feel annoyed at him specifically when he touches you?

askinfaith
05-04-2012, 04:33 AM
Apologies, realised i misunderstood the situation - please disregard my comments if you already read them.

Cypress
05-04-2012, 06:30 PM
I think you need to figure out how to make sex more enjoyable for you. Maybe you've never had a partner who really knew how to turn you on. A lot of guys are clueless about that sort of thing, actually. Do you enjoy other acts of physical intimacy, like kissing, oral, manual stimulation, etc? Some women need to be touched in a very specific way in order to feel aroused. Does your boyfriend know what you like? Do you know what you like?

fishalthea
05-05-2012, 10:45 AM
Thanks everyone for your feedback and questions.

I think this issue is a combination of being about my feelings toward him, and also about my feelings toward sex in general.

I am angry with him for a series of difficult conversations/arguments we've had recently. So yes, I'm annoyed with him when he touches me, because of this anger.

But aside from our issues in general, I think sex just pisses me off and always has. I don't like feeling as if it's an obligation to be filled to make men happy, and I know many women enjoy it but I don't and I am sick of being expected to "learn to enjoy it". I appreciate those of you who suggest I need to learn what I like, but honestly I've heard this before and I resent it. I feel like if I told someone I dislike rap music, that they would accept that-but if I say I dislike sex, people ALWAYS tell me it's because I need to work on it and figure out what works for me. What if I don't want to, because I just don't care? And yes, in a relationship, I do have to care because presumably most any partner will want a sexual aspect, but there must be guys who are okay with no sex-right? And if not, maybe I am angry because I don't want to be in this or any relationship...maybe that is what the anger is about.

I know we need to talk about this, but we have been talking about so many other big issues lately that it seems this needs to be shelved for a bit.

:love althea

framewall
05-05-2012, 11:32 AM
:hugonalthea:hugoff

I have so totally been there.

My entire life up until a couple years ago actually. I am soon to be thirty-nine.

For me it was a huge number of things...from the fact that I did have abuse in my past, self-hate, depression, the eating disorder, self-injury, just all my stuff. I hated myself, I hated my life, I hated my past...and I hated men.

I realise 'hate' is such a strong word...but that's really what I was feeling.

Sometimes I liked it, sex I mean. Like, it was ok sometimes. But I always 'acted' like I liked it way more to please whomever I was with. And almost always it involved my drinking or being under the influence of something.
I could not stand to be in my body, so being intimate with someone like that made me angry, and I felt I needed to be numb to do it.

When I was married, to a man I should never have married because I was never in love with him or attracted to him, ever. I always tried to get out of sex, but sometimes had to give in and just hated it and was so angry at him. To be really honest it often felt like rape :sad
Once, when I was discharged from one of my hospitalizations, we had to do this couples counselling at the hospital...the counsellor told me that I should schedule one or two days a week were we would just do it! :zoinks Ugh...I was angry at her for that and so angry at him for trying to force it....In hindsight, it was just such an awful time.

I thought for a while that I was gay, like totally gay, and that's why I hated men so much. Turns out I feel comfortable 'labeling' myself bi.

But after years and years of therapy, in and out of hospital and programs, getting divorced, dating a couple women, another man (who it turns out I ended up feeling alot the same with:ohboy) and then spending time alone and really working on recovery, I was able to feel a bit better about myself in general. I got to a place where I felt like I could be considered in recovery, and felt so free.
I then met a man to whom I was so mega attracted. I don't actually recall a time that I ever felt that kind of chemical, physical, hormonal attraction to a man ever.
We have been together off and on for two years. It has been an emotional rollercoaster...like, seriously, really brutal at times. I am in the midst of a relapse that I'm trying to get out of. BUT... the sex with him is sooooo nice. *sigh. In this two years, no matter what has been going on with us, no matter if I was in a relapse or not, I still long to be with him. It's so weird for me.
But it tells me that it is possible for me to feel ok with sex. And that is such a relief.

Wow...this turned out to be so much loner than I intended! I just really related to what you were saying and thought that maybe sharing a bit of my story with you might be helpful. i hope it is.

:shy

Cypress
05-05-2012, 10:32 PM
Some people are asexual, so if you're one of those people, you probably need to find a partner who is too. The fact is, asexuality is pretty rare, though it does exist. For most humans, sexual arousal is a natural response to being touched in a certain way; they don't have to learn to like it. I think that's why a lot of people assumed that you've just never been touched the right way. If all you've ever known is bad sex, then of course you wouldn't like it. That's why I asked about other stuff, like kissing. Does that feel good to you? If not, you may very well be asexual.

Serena for Serenity
05-06-2012, 12:39 PM
I can kind of relate to what you are talking about. I have never really been that comfortable with sex, due to my Ed and just general unease of being in my own skin. It was always hard for me to 'let go' and my previous partners always asked me what they should do, how to make it better, etc. Honestly, I had no clue and I just wanted them to finish their business. I enjoy cuddling, kissing, and yes, sex with the right person, but I have never had an orgasm with another person. Right now I am off men and happy with myself.

I have a good friend who does not like sex, it actually disgusts her. She thinks she might be asexual or just not in the right place right now for that kind of contact with a man. So I don't think that you not wanting to have sex is that strange. Some people are more sexual than others, that's just how it is. I understand you have a lot of other things you and your bf are talking about, but since you are in a relationship, it probably is best to talk about it....:ugh I know I would try to avoid this kind of thing as well, but he will probably keep noticing your avoidance and the longer it builds up, the harder it will be. But I will say that you said: "maybe I am angry b/c I don't want to be in this or any relationship" and that made me think that perhaps the anger is about not wanting to be with him. Only you can know, but since you two have already almost broken up and now you are back together, maybe it is something to think about.

What would make you happy?

fishalthea
05-06-2012, 07:15 PM
:hugon Stone Studier :hugoff

Thank you for sharing your experience-it sounds like we have so much in common. I am happy to hear you have a more authentic relationship now, and that you are more able to know and pursue what you want.

Like, it was ok sometimes. But I always 'acted' like I liked it way more to please whomever I was with.

This sums up how it's always been with me. I feel it's necessary to act I like it because it seems most men just need me to want it. So I go along with it, and you are right-often at least a small amount of alcohol is used to make it a bit easier.

I think you have quite a valid assessment when you talk about getting serious about recovery, and the aspect of recovery that involves learning to love yourself, let go, and be free. I think this definitely plays a role...and yet, even in the long term relationship I had pre-ED I do remember just going along with it for him, and trying to make him happy. I guess even before the ED, maybe I didn't know how to let go, or maybe I just am wired differently and it has nothing to do with ED. So hard to know. Anyway, thank you for relating your experiences; it is so nice to be heard and understood.

:hugon Cypress :hugoff I don't know if I am asexual. The way you describe it, it sounds like maybe not-if it truly is that rare, I mean. And that almost sounds like another disorder label-just what I need! but maybe that is just my perception of it. Maybe there is an in-between? Is it either/or-that people are either sexual or they are asexual? Or is there a range? If there is a range vs either/or, I am definitely on the less sexual side of the scale. But if it's either/or I don't know that I'd all out label myself asexual. I mean, there is sometimes some enjoyment. But often, no, kissing isn't really even something I enjoy.

:hugon Serena :hugoff congrats for being happy with yourself right now-that is an accomplishment I hope to share with you one day! I do think feeling uncomfortable in my skin certainly isn't helping the situation. I don't think it would be fair for me to totally label myself as asexual until I truly feel comfortable with myself, because if I don't feel comfortable with myself, it's also likely that I don't really know myself-if that makes sense.

It is frustrating and guilt-inducing to have a bf who is constantly asking me what he can do for me-he is so eager to please me-and like you said, I have no clue, and I just want him to finish. If I could be totally honest in the moment with him, that's what I'd say when he asked what he could do to please me-I would say "hurry up and finish!" But of course I can't say that. :whateva

I appreciate you saying that it's not that strange-maybe that's all I needed to hear-and I like what you said about your friend maybe not being in a place right now. Maybe it's possible to go through asexual phases?

The bf and I are certainly talking about a lot lately...but damn it's so hard to tell him that I just don't enjoy sex. It is so, so important to him. We did the deed last night and I could tell it made him so happy. He is an extremely sexual person. Sometimes, it makes me happy just to give that to him, because of the closeness between us after-I just don't enjoy the actual act. I guess it doesn't take all that long...

What would make me happy? It would make me happy if we could just be best friends forever. No obligations, no strings, no sex, but maybe occasional snuggling on the couch and no seeing other people. We have so much fun together but as soon as you throw the commitment into the mix things take a turn into scary smothered land. And maybe knowing this is what makes me angry about the sex, but there is definitely more to it. Anyway he has assured me that we would NOT be friends if the relationship ended. Understandably, he would prefer to cut out contact entirely. But we are both aware (I think) of what is going on, and the challenges and all....it's just that we aren't sure where things are headed.

:love althea

Cypress
05-06-2012, 08:37 PM
I don't know if I am asexual. The way you describe it, it sounds like maybe not-if it truly is that rare, I mean. And that almost sounds like another disorder label-just what I need! but maybe that is just my perception of it. Maybe there is an in-between? Is it either/or-that people are either sexual or they are asexual? Or is there a range? If there is a range vs either/or, I am definitely on the less sexual side of the scale. But if it's either/or I don't know that I'd all out label myself asexual. I mean, there is sometimes some enjoyment. But often, no, kissing isn't really even something I enjoy.


It's not a disorder. It just means that you don't have any sexual urges at all and you don't enjoy any sexual activity. As far as sexuality goes, there is a range. Some people have a stronger sex drive than others. But if you got nothing, that sounds like asexuality.

You shouldn't do anything you don't enjoy. If you don't like kissing or sex, don't do it just to please your partner. Don't you think he'd be upset if he knew you weren't enjoying it? It's also contributing to your anger and resentment, which certainly isn't helping.