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View Full Version : my boyfriend just doenst get it!!!....ADVICE PLEASE!!!!


rememberthename
05-02-2012, 09:22 PM
moved from A/B to Relationships


its really frustrating how my boyfriend has just never understood this problem that i have even though we've been together for over a year n a half and throughout that time we've had multiple discusions about it he just doesnt get it!

what made me post this is because if you saw either of the posts i made the other day you would have seen how ive made a "step forward" in the slightest but still a step into recoverying and i was kind of feeling good about it and wanted to talk to my boyfriend about it.

when i went over to his apt last night we were sitting on the couch and this is basicly how the conversation went in a shorter version:

me-do you think im being stupid for wanted to lose weight (i said something else here but god i cant remember to save my life)

him-you just need to workout more

me-(after a few more words that i cant remember and getting almost to crying upset and now trying to make light of it sort of) you need to learn to lie to me better. when girls say these sorts of things to guys its because they want to hear them say how they dont need to lose weight and they look great and if they wanted to lose weight its okay but the dont need to.

him-why would i do that people need to hear the truth

me-ya well sometimes your truths are a little harsh

him-look im not saying that i think your fat, i like your body but no one is perfect everyone should always be working to improve themselves.

.......i think we kind of just stopped talking at this point and a few minutes later he comes back at it again

him-so what are you just giving up? your just listening to the wrong people who dont workout and dont care. you cant just not care you should always be working to better yourself.

me-its not that. im not saying im not going to workout and im going to let myself go. im trying to finish recovering from this eating disorder and to me im not trying to lose weight because i want to im trying to lose weight because i feel like i need to. like i feel i cant just not lose weight like its not a choice.

him-(didnt say anything back)...........(finally makes a noise at least) i love you

me-i love you too

him-(a few more minutes of silence and here he is again....)you shouldnt ever just stop working on yourself. like i go to the gym and everytime hope to get a little bit stronger. i know its never going to be as good as i want and thats why i work harder everyday to get closer to it. its like a motivator or a challange. (something like that)

me-well see thats sort of like how it is with me except in a different direction. i know deep down that if i lose this weight it isnt going to be good enough and im going to want to lose more and more

him-it shouldnt be about weight. you shouldnt look at numbers at all it should be about how you look. if you dont like your stomatch you do crunches to make it tighter if you dont like this bla bla bla bla bla

thats where the conversation ended!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF!!!! i just wish for once he could see it the way it really is to me. all i needed was some recognition from him saying that im good enough at where i am and if i never changed and got thinner or fatter or more fit that where im at now isnt bad and that i am ok. but no he had to turn it into making me feel like im never going to be able to just forget about my body and just be happy with who i am.

i dont know what to do! i dont know what to say that i havent already said to him to try to make him understand! and god i dont want this to be what breaks us up because i love him so much and he's so good to me....except for with this....and ive told him before when we've had a similar conversation after he said "nothing is ever going to be good enough for me, there is always something that can make it better" and i said "so i'll never be good enough for you?" and he actually was sweet and said "no your one of the only things that is good enough for me".....and i bring that up because in this particular conversation i did let him know that he was making me feel like im not and will never be good enough but yet he still says this sort of crap and makes me feel this way.


someone please just give me some advice please!!!!

lifewithout
05-02-2012, 09:47 PM
Sounds like he is in dire need of having some information imparted about how to support someone with an eating disorder. I suggest writing it out for him and explaining how certain things are interpreted in the brain of someone with an ed.

Not sure if this is possible for you but you may also want to have him come to t with you if you have an ed t and they can help explain the kinds of things that are and are not appropriate to say to someone with an ed.

What he has said is not only inappropriate for someone with an ed but also just straight up offensive to say to any woman, in my opinion.

Sorry you had to experience this.

rememberthename
05-03-2012, 08:40 AM
ya i dont think even if he did get some good information he would change how he thinks. he's the type of person that if he feels one way there is nothing anyone can do to change his thinking. he is extreamly stubborn. as far as the T thing its not possible because i dont go to an ED T i just go to a regular T and i dont think anything i say to him would make him go even if i could do this.

and i completely agree with it being offensive. i feel offended by him all the time and i know deep down that that isnt what he is trying to do but god he's so thick headed. he grew up with all men and then his mother who is this laid back hippy chick so he never got the rights and wrongs of what you can say to a woman which still isnt an excuse but i know i cant change him and it would be a waste of my time to try.

bellydancer
05-03-2012, 12:41 PM
Hi remember,

It is a shame that your boyfriend doesn't understand EDs. You're right, he doesn't get it. That said, it also never helps a relationship to speak in code. It's not really fair to ask a question of your partner and then get mad because you didn't get the answer you were *supposed* to get. Instead of asking him whether he thinks you need to lose weight, try saying that you're having a hard time and need his support right now.

I think a bigger issue is why you continue to seek validation through the way that outsiders view your weight. What anyone else thinks of your weight is irrelevant, even your boyfriend. If you continue to seek validation this way, you will never be happy and you will always be stuck in your ED.

I do have a question, though. If he offends you often, why are you still with him?

rememberthename
05-03-2012, 05:17 PM
its more that i get offended easily. i know that its just his personality and his way of speaking that he doesnt really mean what he says as bad as he makes it sound. i know this because when i do get really upset and i call him out on it he explains that "thats not what i meant" but he just has a horrible way of saying things :/ idk its frustrating sometimes but for the most part he treats me really well and makes me happy.

as far as the why do i continue to seek validation through outsiders i dont know. i have a really low self esteem. i used to be chubby and not that attractive and got made fun of alot all the way back from elementary school through highschool so i have a hard time seeing myself as beautiful and thin and attractive so i guess i seek that validation because throughout my whole life ive been letting others determine my worth i guess (even some of the nasty people in my own family) so now that i am "thin" and i can say that i actually do think im pretty a lot of the time i still look for others to tell me i am because i still have that negative mind set from when i was younger. and for me hearing it from others is sort of a way to "shove it in there faces" or "prove them wrong" that im not chubby or lazy or fat or ugly anymore and they cant say i am.

the part of my ED where exercise came into play was because in my highschool gym class we had to do this stupid running test and i was the first one to give up. even the morbidly obese and the handicapt person ran longer than i did so i got made fun of so that day i joined the gym and got obsessed with improving my workout so when we redid the test at the end of the year i could show everyone how much better i was and how i wasnt the worst one anymore. needless to say the teacher forgot to give us the test and in that happening i got upset and started working out even harder to get "better" because i had to prove to myself that i wasnt the same chubby girl. therefore part of the begining of my ED emerged.

i dont know ive come a long way in my recovery but the hardest herdals i still have to overcome. when you recover you think being able to stop the behaviors is going to be the hardest part but thats the easiest part compared to the mental aspect. :/

nc
05-03-2012, 05:29 PM
Your boyfriend may never get it and you may have to accept he may not be a good support person for you no matter how much you love him or he loves you. That does not make him bad or wrong, just the wrong person to turn to for support.

But you did not seem to be seeking support, or if you were you were doing it in a very unhealthy way.
You asked him a loaded question and he answered it. But the truth is you were not interested in what he thought you wanted him to say a specific thing. This type of game is highly unfair to the other person who has no idea that you have a hidden agenda.

Is this something you often do with people? If so do you find it often ends badly?

sflathinker
05-03-2012, 05:32 PM
His personality would work well with me. However your personality would work well with my ex. My ex is a good person for someone, but he was not the wrong person for me for the support I needed nor did we understand how each other communicated. I am direct. He appreciated a more sensitive approach. Since I am the direct one, I would tell a sensitive person, don't ask me a question you don't want an answer to. Be direct about what you need and I will be the first to give it to you.