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katkat
05-02-2012, 01:48 PM
My bf is the one person I talk to the most about my ED problems and other problems. He is a runner and naturally skinny, but he never tells me to shut up. He says he wants to help me, but he wants me to tell my parents what's going on. He also said he was going to tell them about it if I didn't. This was after I called him crying after binging and purging for an entire day. I told him I just wanted to talk, I don't want him to tell my parents anything I don't want them to know. He says I'm going crazy. I see what he means. It's like I want him to solve my problems. Sometimes that means sex, sometimes that means talking.

The other problem is that I don't see why he would stay with me. We are still in high school, and he's my first serious bf. He knew about my anorexia when we started dating (we were friends before that), but everything else is messed up now. My bf has told me he wants to help, but he also thinks we should take a break from our relationship. I understand that, but hes also my best friend... I don't want to lose him because he keeps me from completely crashing. We got in a fight about all of this, and I guess my questions are:

How do I keep him from telling my parents about the purging?
How do I apologize for being so messed up and doing this to him?
Should do I just agree to take a break, after everything?
How do I stop relying on him to make me feel like I'm attractive? I know its stupid, but its like if he wants me, then I don't feel as f*t. I have to figure out how not to drag him into this, because its not his fault. He compliments me all the time (he is such a good guy), but I can't seem to accept that he actually likes me at this weight

Anyway, I know these problems are all on me... and I know most of these issues sound kind of stupid. I posted mostly to vent, but I would take any advice :D. My bf is just one of the relationships I've messed up through this. I'm hopefully going back to therapy, for general problems because my parents don't know about the bulimia, but that's not going to fix all the problems I've caused for people :(

bellydancer
05-02-2012, 02:03 PM
Hi kat,

Even though you don't want him to tell your parents, it sounds like he's a great guy. It sounds like he definitely wants to help you, but I don't blame him for wanting to tell your parents. He can't be all of your support on his own. That's an incredible amount of pressure. It can also be frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who won't accept your compliments and affection. How do you keep him from telling your parents? The best thing is to tell your parents yourself. I know that you don't want to do it, but the best step toward getting over an ED is to get support for it. Your parents can't give you support if they don't know what's going on.

How do you apologize, etc.? I don't know that apologizing is really what's necessary. I think the best thing you can do is to put your all into recovery. Accept the support he has offered, but seek other sources of support for yourself.

As for taking a break, that's up to you. What is his reasoning?

katkat
05-02-2012, 05:30 PM
Thanks for responding :) I know I need to tell my parents... I guess I just don't know how. I don't want my bf to do that for me. idk I just feel guilty about doing this to them AGAIN :(

He wants to take a break because he thinks I need to deal with my own issues. I think he's also tired of all the stop and go in our relationship. I get that, and I know he shouldn't be my only support. I'm just scared he'll find someone else, even though that's what he deserves. I don't think I'm in love with him (I'm sixteen, he's seventeen) but he was a lot of firsts for me lol. I hope if we take a break we can stay friends because he's always been there for me the last few years and at this point I don't know who else to turn to. I'm also scared that I'll get even worse. This is weird, I know, but it's like being with a guy and doing "stuff" with him is the one thing that distracts me from food

I think I'm going to have a serious talk with my parents tonight. I know I need to do something to make the cycle stop, that's why I got an account here. I've been trying to fix this but it never works. I need to talk to a lot of people... my bf, parents, friends.

pantherr
05-02-2012, 07:11 PM
How do I keep him from telling my parents about the purging?
How do I apologize for being so messed up and doing this to him?
Should do I just agree to take a break, after everything?
How do I stop relying on him to make me feel like I'm attractive? I know its stupid, but its like if he wants me, then I don't feel as f*t. I have to figure out how not to drag him into this, because its not his fault. He compliments me all the time (he is such a good guy), but I can't seem to accept that he actually likes me at this weight

Hi kat, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling a bit low right now, hugs to you :gimmehug

As for your questions. You will probably hear this more than once but ED's thrive on secrecy. I think you do realize that you need to tell your parents, or a teacher/counselor, or doctor, or an adult that you trust. Please remember that not eating, or bingeing and purging, etc. have serious effects not just on your emotional/mental well-being, but on your body as well...so it is important to talk to somebody not just for your sanity, but to make sure you aren't malnourished, etc.

I agree that you don't need to apologize, and I give you huge points for realizing that depending on someone else is problematic...but I am glad you have such a great friend/boyfriend, because being able to share with one person is infinitely better than dealing with this alone. It sounds like he really cares about you - and that he wants you to recover. It also sounds to me like taking a break is less about not wanting to be together, and more about giving you the chance to work on yourself...which is so, so difficult.

And I totally relate to the last one. My bf does make me feel beautiful. I don't know that it's such a problem though - I use those moments of clarity to remind myself that the moments of self-hate are fleeting. But if you ONLY feel attractive when you're with him, I think that again you are seeing that you do need to work on you for a while!

divadoll
05-04-2012, 05:26 PM
You are lucky to have a guy like him. He seems to care a lot about you. His possible telling of you ed is him just showing he cares by trying to help you in a time of need.

DD

sflathinker
05-04-2012, 06:31 PM
If I could back to sixteen I would tell my parents. It's hard and they might express anger, but it's not directed at you, it's fear. Fear that the beautiful girl they created doesn't feel enough love for herself and is hurting herself. Recovery is possible but requires so many people to support us, esp those closest to us. As for your guy, you are young and the fact you have the maturity to question whether you are in love with him and know you want to stay friends but hate the idea of him being with anyone else, despite believing he deserves it...means you are wiser beyond your years. Don't worry about who he 'should' be with. He is young and he just wants you to get well. Being with anyone else isn't his priority. You are.

katkat
05-05-2012, 07:57 PM
Thanks for the replies. I know he is a good guy and I'm lucky :)... and we've decided not to completely take a break but to slow down some parts of our relationship (sex) because it just makes me more up and down. He told me he loves me and wants me to "figure all this shit out." Like I said earlier, I'm not sure we are in love but we do say it to each other. We drove around in his mom's car for like two hours, just talking (prolly wasted a lot of gas...). We didn't really decide anything long term, but I guess we'll deal with that later and if things change.

I have also talked to my parents and we are figuring stuff out. I'm going back to therapy. I have an appointment on Monday so I'm hoping it goes well. Talking to everyone about it has actually helped some, and I haven't been binged/purged at all today. Thanks for all of your advice :)

cuddy
05-05-2012, 08:22 PM
once you tell your family and talk about a lot of your secrets you will feel a lot better about the whole situation. It's hard keeping everything in and sneaking around hoping no one finds out.
I think its great that your giving therapy a shot and told your family.
You boyfriend sounds like a great guy. Hang onto him :)