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chelseaa
04-29-2012, 11:06 PM
I am having a really, really really REALLY hard time.

I just got slap-in-the-face rejected by somebody I was really interested in and have been investing a ton of emotional effort in. It was at a social dinner that I attended at the last minute as a personal challenge, adding to the "slap in the face" feeling. He brought another girl and they were obviously into each other.

But more than that. I was realizing how much more at-ease everyone there is compared to me. How they can talk about what they're working on and really understand it. Articulate, funny, self-assured. Everyone has friends except for me. I just float around trying to latch onto people but there is clearly something fundamentally unlikeable about me because I never get a repeat invitation.

I don't know how to pick things up now. I'm really unhappy and this goes beyond just the one rejection, although that was incredibly rough.

I am not suicidal at all but I sometimes ask myself whether I'm ever going to turn out okay. Sometimes the rest of my life just looks really bleak and painful and depressing and I know that I'm still missing *something* that these more vivacious people all around me naturally possess. I am so sick of being trapped in social anxiety disorder and the remnants of an eating disorder. I'm starting to cry as I write this. Of course I know that nobody here can make things better but I just need to get the words down somewhere. I am losing hope for myself. I don't know who to call in real life to talk to about this.

Liv Kaymak
04-30-2012, 06:59 AM
Chelseaa,

I hear you, and I hear you so well. It is so hard when you are struggling with social anxiety and an ed. I also have anxiety, and it like almost has this crippling or paralyzing effect on me..

Something a T told me was that usually in social situations, most people are thinking about themselves and are so focused on themselves that they don't spend too much time thinking about others and putting others down. And after talking to a few of my close friends about this, I think its pretty true! Usually those insecure thoughts and voices are in our own heads, others around us are not even thinking those things!!!

Rejection always is painful and tough, and it can bring up a lot issues. I am so sorry to hear about the boy situation and about not feeling like you fit in with others. :(( It is always so hurtful. However, don't lose hope in yourself. There is always hope!! Even if its not with this guy, eventually with time, there will be someone else.

My piece of advice would be, try not to give up on yourself. Even if this social encounter was difficult. Keep going out, try different places. The more you put yourself out there, the more you will give yourself the opportunity to meet new people and establish friendships. And it will get easier and easier to go out and socialize.

It may not even be personal with those people. They might have something going on in their own lives that is keeping them distracted or busy. Or they already may have established circles of friends (which may make it more difficult to enter). Have you tried to take the initiative and ask them places. Sometimes a big party can be intimidating, but maybe you could invite a few people for lunch or coffee or the movies or something to break the ice. Friendship do take time and effort, on both sides.

If you do think maybe something your doing is socially wrong, or that you may be sending a signal that is pushing people away, maybe you can try to work out what that is in therapy. And also try to learn how to better recognize social cues in therapy, if that is something your struggling with.

If for whatever reason friendships are not occurring with these sets of people, try something new and try meeting new people. Some ideas: maybe you can join a club or a recreational activity that you enjoy and see if you meet some like-minded people that way.

Please don't feel hopeless Cheseaa. I can totally understand how you would feel down about all of this. I have experienced the same thing many times. But there is always hope!!!!

chelseaa
05-01-2012, 12:22 AM
Thank you, Liv, for your sensitive response. I wish I could see the other people out there who struggle socially. Just one person like me - someone who WANTS closer friendships (since some people just don't want close friendships and I don't identify with that either) but who shoots themselves in the foot continuously. I read about people like me online, but nobody in my life seems as socially uncomfortable as me. I try really hard and that's why setbacks (i.e. when I realize people are leading me on) are crushing to my self-esteem.

I made a list of other people to contact/social events to get involved with that do not involve this person who rejected me. I have already started to follow through on some of the ideas. I KNOW wallowing gets me nowhere and I'm really trying not to fall into that trap. It's hard. I hate the feeling of thinking about all the remaining years of my life and just feeling exhausted by myself. It's like I need something drastic to force me far out of my comfort zone, because in all honesty I'm just treading water and when I think I'm moving forward it's always a false illusion.

Liv Kaymak
05-03-2012, 05:14 PM
Chelseaa, it would be much easier if we could see other people struggling as well!! I totally get that, but I promise many people do struggle. And it's easier for us to see ourselves, because it's 'our-self'. People from the outside my not see you the way you are seeing yourself--does that make sense?

Setbacks are tough, but thats all they are. Just a setback. It's all about picking the pieces and moving forward. No one is perfect and a lot people make mistakes in social situations. Maybe next time, if that happens, depending on the situation you make a small joke and make light of it (like, "haha, oh, silly me, that came out all wrong, I really meant to say x, y, z, ; or pull of the offended party to the side and apologize or tell them you made a mistake, you were nervous, etc...Most people are pretty forgiving.

I don't know you personally, but do you think that maybe you are just too hard on yourself and beating yourself up over little things that maybe others are not even upset about. The reason, I say this, is that I can be very hypervigiliant and hypersensitive to other peoples reactions, but in reality the other person is not as effected as I think....Usually we are our own worst critics.

I can understand your insecurities and fears. :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

I am glad you are putting your self out there!!! You go girl!!! That's awesome. You just have to keep trying. However, I will admit, putting yourself out there can be exhausting!!! It's something new, it's scary, but keep doing it. Eventually, it will pay off. And definitely do things that you enjoy and make you happy. :lubdub