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View Full Version : shall I tell my sister abt my relapse?


koru
04-28-2012, 04:19 PM
background: my sis is four years younger. She has never got professional help for her issues, she's in denial, telling me on one hand "we didn't have it that bad growing up, get over it!" and "I don't remember anything from childhood" on the other. When she had her first baby we became close, something I'd always wanted. Shed lost the bitchy, negative, angry, sarcastic and (very) dismissing part of herself. She stopped putting me down and controlled her anger. Start of last year, she lost it at me big time. Out of nowhere - over nothing (ie - sunscreen being bad for me, and who caes if I got melanoma and died, she wouldn't miss me anyway and it's no like I have kids so who cares if I died). She threatned me, kicked me out of her house and told me basically to fuck off and die. She made no contact for months - not even when my city was caught up in a fatal quake killing close to two hundred people.

The quake triggered my Ed relapse after ten plus years of recovery. because we haven't been in contact she doesn't know what's been happening for me this past year - PTSD from the quakes and complex PTSD from childhood stuff the quakes triggered. More fear here, because, i'm really scared of her reaction if she knew it was childhood stuff behind my relapse - she really really is in denial, and could use it against me

Months later, my sis and I are back in contact - we have not talked about the fight, it's very superficial stuff, occasional txts, and doing stuff with her kids (we live dour hours drive from each other, first real contact was a year after our 'fight' for our nana's ninetieth birthday two months ago. and now i've been in her city for the weeknd.

I struggle to let down the walls because it was so incredibly painful when she turned on me. I'm in her home town for the weekend, I saw her for half hour on Friday night, and a couple of hours last night we went shopping together. This level of 'intimacy' is manageable for me at the moment, but longer term I would like to rebuild our relationship. I'm not sure if it can ever be the same, and I am scared of being hurt again.

last night I thought I could open up, tell her about my relapse. I'm not sure though. my relapse is one reason I haven't worked on our relationship - a) I don't want her to be burdened (last major relapse when I wasted away she was a teenager and it was scary for her); b) I think part of me uses this to keep my distance from her emotionally "I don't want her to feel worried / scared / powerless so I shouldn't let her get close".

I can't tell if this is true or if I use it to keep the walls up, to stop myself getting emotionally connected / close, or it's a mask for my intense fear of being hurt again :confused.

she hasn't said anything about my appearance - I (think) it's obvious I've lost weight, and normally she would say something (eiher sarcastic hurtful comments to put me down or mention it in passing that I could do with an extra serving of x y or z). I declined going out for dinner last night, said Im still struggling with appetite (she knows I was in hospital last year for cardiac monitoring but not WHY - ie, severe electrolyte imbalance cos of purging :scared ).

I don't know whether to tell her the truth, to open up, or to say nothing. My heart is pounding writing this - part of me is scared if I do tell her, next time she flips out she'll use it AT me. Then again, if I want to rebuild our relationship, the NOT telling her feels dishonest and keeps a wall up too :sad. Sometimes I think it woild be nice to be ABLE to tell SOMEONE about it, I have no one in real life I can talk to about my struggles (aside from my dr and T, once a week).

mollyo
04-28-2012, 04:25 PM
Where's your anger? Why are you seeing her at all? Don't trust her with anything until you talk about your fight and what a hurtful bitch she was.

Iced gem
04-28-2012, 05:17 PM
I agree with molly . Tread carefully Quakey. You could get really hurt :(

I think let your relationship try to recover. And in time you can reassess.

It doesn't sound to me like shed be very supportive :(

I think hold off on telling her. X

ducksquack
04-28-2012, 05:52 PM
I would be extremely cautious with a sister who can suddenly
viciously attack you for no real and valid reason.

Your recovery and your well-being perhaps need to come first
and then when the time is right you can address the issues you
have with your sister and perhaps work on a relationship with
her.

That would be how I see it tho.

god bless.

rafferty
04-28-2012, 06:41 PM
I think you need to question why you would want to tell her about your relapse. Is it important that she know? What kind of response would you want from her?

It sounds like telling her could be setting yourself up to be hurt and disappointed. Do you really need that right now? There is much more you two need to work on in your relationship as it sounds it's at a really tentative stage after your big fight last year.

Take care,

:love

kappybooik
04-30-2012, 03:05 AM
Quakey,
I completely agree with the above posts. There is something inside you that is trying to protect your from what will most likely be a poor response from your sister. You have enough evidence of her track record no? There's an analogy that if a plane is going to crash, moms need to put their oxygen masks on before those of their children's so that she'll be able to help her children in the first place. PUT YOUR OXYGEN MASK ON BEFORE OFFERING ONE TO YOUR SISTER. Spend the time you'd use talking to her finding a safer alternative to share stuff with. Rater than trying to get water out of a dry well, reach out via online support group meetings, or talking with a therapist. Just because someone is family doesn't' mean that they're going to be the ones to provide you with a safe harbor. Find someone safe and start peeling the layers off your onion. Being honest and talking your truth is the first way out of relapse for me.
I wish you well,
Kappybook

recoveryatlast
04-30-2012, 03:28 AM
You've said before that you want people to care for you and that might be a reason you want to tell her about your relaspe but its seems unlikely given the history you have provided here that you will get the response you need from her

sflathinker
05-18-2012, 12:56 PM
She might not be an available resource for support. Perhaps her childhood was great. Some siblings process things different and maybe she needs you to be superficial in order to have a relationship. It's within your right to deny her that and withdraw but you can't require a deeper level of intimacy from someone who can't give it. You are fragile and she has the power to hurt you. Why risk it now?