View Full Version : Feeling Bad

04-27-2012, 06:53 PM
I recently had a fling with someone who made me laugh and smile. Unfortunately, he reminded me too much of my abusive ex fiance. The crazy thing is, he wasn't my abusive ex fiance. The guy wasn't even mean to me. Actually, he was quite nice. We both agreed we were not looking for anything and would take things as they came. We went out to dinner and had coffee a few times. The sex was amazing. While he had a wild streak he was a complete gentlemen, never once disrespected me.

Anyway, he had some of the same traits as my ex fiance. For one, he was blunt and shot from the hip. While my ex did it to be hurtful, this guy is a South Brooklyn dude and most guys from the area are like that in my experience. It's not a bad thing, just something I had to get used to when I moved to NYC. Another thing is, he had a similar tattoo that my ex fiance had. Some of his lady friends are the tattooed and trashy type. Okay-judgmental I know. My ex fiance liked them that way aside from me, and even was sleeping with one for money. I found out about this when I broke up with him. Lastly, this dude isn't the best speller and neither was my ex who lorded it over me that he was "smarter" constantly.

For the record, I have no evidence that these tattooed women are trashy. I am sure they are very nice. Again, transferrence. YUCK!

I found myself making this guy my whipping boy for no reason other than he had similar traits for my ex. I lashed out at him via text and acted out in other ways. When we went out for pizza I bragged about dating guys with criminal records despite the fact this upset him and that he asked me to stop. It was like the nicer he was the meaner I was back. It's like if he gave me flowers I would have thrown a rock at him. It all exploded when I told him off via text because I felt like it. I tell everyone this terrible story that he ignored me for two weeks when really I had been ignoring his texts for sometime just to vilify him.

I know why I do it, I am scarred from an abusive relationship. Being treated nicely scares me. I figure I have to be the first to reject them before they can consider rejecting me. My therapist and I talked about this. She agreed that even though it ended badly I did the right thing by getting out because I wasn't ready for the relationship. And that even though it wasn't the most healthy way to end it, I did the right thing before it fell into my dysfunctional and abusive pattern. She said that if I wanted to apologize I could at some point.

On the other hand, I feel bad. I am damaged and I feel oh so sad. Sorry this is so long. I haven't swum here in a while.

04-28-2012, 04:29 PM
There are nice guys out there. If he didn't do anything mean, then he didn't do anything. Memories are memories, and your with a new guy. He cant help the way he is .


05-02-2012, 10:49 PM
Sorry, just saw this. I know he is a new guy and I understand that. But we weren't right on so many other levels so I just ended it. I mean, he's a good guy but not a good guy for me. In the past I would have let it drag on, be dysfunctional. But now I don't. I know it wouldn't have worked. I just feel bad for making him my punching bag. My therapist says the fact I feel guilt means I am making progress. Still, guilt sucks