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View Full Version : Am I isolating or am I an introvert


striving
04-26-2012, 09:04 AM
I have been working on recovery for over two decades and struggling for three. I seem to get to a point of functionality and then I coast. I don't feel happy yet I have everything. I have a job I enjoy and a boyfriend that loves me. It's a fairly new relationship and I feel smothered. I am still struggling with my eating and the thoughts and behaviors that come with it so I feel overwhelmed. I am in my forties and I have no close friends but others would think I am a social buttefly. Personally there is nothing more satisfying than a weekend to myself with a good book. I will eventually have to make a decision about the boyfriend. He is everything I would want in a guy but I just don't know where my head it at. I can't tell if it's my ed or if it's me. I tend to think that if I am not going to be social and be with the boyfriend then I am weird and I need ed to justify that. I think about food all the time and I feel like a freak. I look normal and I am at a normal BMI. I see a dietitian twice a week, it's costing a fortune and it helps but once again, I feel like I am coasting and not getting to real recovery which involves giving up all dieting or "watching my weight". I dont' have access to a therapist right now and my boyfriend doesn't get it so I am at a loss with who I can talk to.

axi
04-26-2012, 05:35 PM
Why don't you have access to a therapist?

striving
04-26-2012, 07:49 PM
I have no more money to spend. The $************ a week for the dietitian is tapping me out.

axi
04-26-2012, 08:52 PM
Do you think that you could see the dietician once a week and use the remaining money to see a T once a week? Seeing a dietician twice a week seems like a lot and with an ED, a lot of the issues are not so much eat A,B&C, but exploring why you are using food as a control mechanism.

sflathinker
04-27-2012, 07:29 AM
The therapist will eventually help you to not need the dietician in my opinion. The food is just the outcome of the emotional issue. Fix the source. I'm an outgoing introvert like you. I need both socializing and alone time. I spend most weeknights alone, reading. Weekends I socialize. I know how important introspection is and I also know how much I need intimacy, sharing myself helps me to love myself. Socializing isn't the same as truly being authentic. I am single, but my girlfriends, esp at this age (I'm in my mid/late thirties) are more 'real' than we were in our twenties and early thirties. You'd be amazed at how easy it is to be yourself in relationships, if you are willing.

ducksquack
04-27-2012, 01:24 PM
You have made a lot of progress which is great and I
would agree with the suggestions of seeing a T as it
really is about the underlying issues however healthy
eating of course is critical too.

The Dietician I saw was covered by OHIP as I was
referred by my GP and Psychiatrist so perhaps you
could consider checking into that as I too was not
able to afford professionals. I also saw the Psychiatrist
free as I was referred again by my GP and the PDoc
actually did therapy as well as prescribe me meds.

I am also an introvert and require both my time and
time with friends. Relationships can be very rewarding
and require a lot of work I believe.

god bless.

striving
04-27-2012, 05:36 PM
Thanks for the feedback. My dieititan is an MSW and we also talk a lot about non food issues. I have tried to get in to see a psychiatrist and I am on a wait list but they are very rare. I have been in active recovery and have seen all professionals under the sun. I think I am very aware of the issues and aware of my feelings and what I need to do. Sticking to it is where I have trouble. I guess I just have to trust...

fishalthea
04-27-2012, 06:50 PM
I was a little startled when I saw your thread title because I thought it was an old one of mine, back to haunt me.

I have posted about a similar question many times. Actually if you search for threads I started you can see this! I've gotten a lot of good feedback here and elsewhere regarding what it means to be a natural introvert and how society really doesn't accept it and still sees it as kind of weird. And I totally understand how hard it can be to separate being an introvert with ED-type isolating. I don't think there is a defined line. I think it's just something you have to play with, and in the meantime try not to judge yourself. In my case I've been brought up by a family who measures success and worth by what everything looks like on the outside-including a packed social calendar. So my family (and mother in particular) used to judge me harshly even in high school when I preferred to spend Friday night with a movie or, even better, a book, over going to the dance. And this was before the ED.

I also totally get you on the bf. I am in a relationship for the first time after years of ED and he loves me completely, but I still find myself feeling smothered. I actually just posted about this, and then about how we broke up because of it, and now we are back together....anyway, it is similarly tough because I do have a greater need for space and alone time than he does, but I also fear my ED tendencies are pushing him away to protect the ED behaviors.

And yeah, I am at a low but not unhealthy weight, and yet I think about food and weight all the time.

I, like you, have "everything" yet feel unhappy. Good job, loving bf, loving family, nice home, few true worries.

Lately I've been thinking about what it would mean to really stop trying to control my body and weight. It seems all the replies you got from others stressed the importance of a therapist, but I think maybe the key might lie with the dietitian. Maybe it is a matter of letting go of the rigidity around the food...maybe that is the symbolic gesture I need to say that I am letting go of my resistance to life. Everyone wants to say its not about the food, and at this point it's not, physically, not like it was when I was really underweight. But maybe it is about the food when the food is a metaphor for life-when it is all around me and I wont let myself enjoy it. I don't know if this resonates with you. But maybe you have the potential to enjoy the food-and the boyfriend, and the life you've amassed for yourself-and you are holding back. Maybe start by letting go of your need to fight against the plentiful food around you, and that will be what opens you to ending the fight against the plentiful happiness around you. Does that mean anything?

In any case, your words could have easily come directly out of my mouth (or pen, or keyboard) so I'm glad you posted, and I can really relate.