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View Full Version : i caught him in a lie, major disappointment


nefretiti
04-26-2012, 12:28 AM
so me and my bf have been having problems lately. very funny if we think that we actually had a couple of major talks about being open and honest nd understanding and so on. still, he was always late, saying he was careless, then he would ignore me when i would ask him to go on holidays with me or when he would see me, sayin it was his attention deficit disorder. then he always felt guilty and like he needs to proove his words. he said it was because he knew ppl lied to me a lot before and they hurt me so he feels theit burden fell on his shoulders. i was always puzzled and i didn't understand that, but guess what....

so i posted before i had an issue with my bf going to the gym every day. and how triggering it was.plus he lost some weight. so in order to face my anxiety and also surprise him, yesterday after my ballet class he told me he is going to the gym, he is not feeling very well, so he would b much better if he would see him, and i made a joke about taking a plane going there, he said i didn't need a plane i could just takea taxi. and i thought, why not. i took metro though, and bus and i took me some time to get there, but i calculated to be there before he goes into the shower, cause that's when he checks his phone. so i can tell him to come out quickly. i came there and i was calling him, he didnt reply, i was sending him texts he didn't even read them. and i know his phone is always next to him and never on silent cause that was one of our issues too. so what i did after he didnt come out for ****hour, i went there and i didn't see him, so i asked at reception, gave them hisfull name and mobile number, the woman told me hi didn't come the whole day so she was asking her collegues if they saw him. nobody saw him. so i went home.

so he calls me back almost four hours after he "went to the gym" saying he couldn't pick up the phone cause he had no credit. hello???? what ??? well, he ran out of credit so he couldn't call me back but he didn't pick up cause his phone was on silent. and what about blackberry messenger? he ignored that. so i aksed him which gym he exactly went and he confirmed it was the one i was in. and i told him i was there and all. and e continued telling me he was there. so i told him when he gatheres his thoughts and decides what happened he can call me back. later i texted him so he told me, he was out with his friend but he didn't know whatwould b my reaction so he lied to me, and he said he doesn't even know how many ties he lied, but he needs time with his friends blah blah....

before i could understand, now after out big big alk that we need time on our own and that we will not hasitate to make it and about being honest about our needs and including each other in our lives....i don't believe this crap he is telling me! it sounds like i am somemonster doesn't let him hang out with his friends. in the meanwhile i was always happy with his friends i only asked to be informed when he is out with friends and when he will see me, so i can know, and not be surprised when he suddenly wants to see me or when we have a date and he "forgets " about it and goes out with his friends.

i feel like a looser. what is this. i know this is all his stuff. it is his head and his problems. bt somehow i feel like a lousy person for having a guy think and do this to me. and i thught he was a very nice guy and he cared about me.

sflathinker
04-26-2012, 06:45 AM
Think long and hard about the reasons you broke up. Then about why you reconciled. Then about this. And about whether you are willing to work through this. Relationships take work, but the best relationships are built on trust, respect and compassion. Not only did he lie, he also wasted your time and had you running around to chase him when he could easily canceled. Forgive him or don't forgive him, but decide what makes you happy.

biggestgainer
04-26-2012, 08:25 AM
ADD is an excuse. Blackberry has reminder apps out the wazoo. If he wanted to or cared, he could have put your dates on the blackberry. Maybe his ADD has rendered him lacking of all common sense.

Sucks to take second place to his friends. Sucks that open honest communication wasn't a two way street.

Now for looking at your part in it. Did you demand too much of his time, were you controlling the relaionship, . . .

Are you willing to be stood up on numerous occasions? Are you willing to wonder where he really is?

Does this arrangement seem healthy? Or is this a dance that two people have learned to do because of their upbringing in a dysfunctional family?

nefretiti
04-26-2012, 09:11 AM
sflathinker, well, i liked his positivity and kindness, and the fact that i thought he was emotional. so i thought he was also maure o work with e on a relationship, as a team, and overcome possible differencies sinc we come from different cultures, countries, religions and races....but the most important thing was he was HONEST, and obviously now i see his most important trait was not true.

nefretiti
04-26-2012, 09:28 AM
btw, biggestgainer i love ur nick, it is inspiring...:cheesy

well, obviously add and all of his "faults" he pointed out to me were just cover upso i dont hope much from him and he can have a perfect excuse.

as for my controlling, well, i am traveling for job and i am not in the country for almost a half each month so, cannot really say he has no time for his friends. but the thing was, when i am not here, i don't call much and he can do whatever he likes, when i am back it was a problem to make a plan: he would either set a plan when i am here and then when i come and want to go out as we said he is with his friends somewhere, but even then he doesn't say anything, he doesn't cancel, he keeps me waiting, then he says he is out with friends and he is coming soon, so i continue waiting, and he doesn't come , then he comes up with some excuse and so on.... i was mad about that. so he started "making up plans" on his own when he knows i am working so he comes to me says: babe i wanted to do this and this tomorrow, and i already told him my timetable, so i say i have work, and he says: oh u are never here when i have a plan! i told him to stop making plans when he knows i am ot here, i even gave him my timetable in written but didn't help. and i never checked his phone, where he was or anything. and he was even complaining that i never ask where is his work, gym and so on....and i told him i have no plan to check on him and when he wantto introduce me in his life he will.

what others me here is that he says he lied so i would not be upset! what?! that was for my good? and even before we had arguments about similar stuff, like he doesn't want to introduce me to his friends cause he thinks about me and he desn't want me to feel uncomfortable or he doesn't know if i would be in the mood. so he never gives me the chance to know what he would like and to say what i think. the same was for being late and not setting plans, he was saying he knew how was my job strange and tiring so he would not suggest to go out on date but he is waiting for me to say and he is so careful with me and how i don't see that?!!!!

when he started opening up i realised his family was also dysfunctional. not so drastically like mine so he is not aware but even worse cause he doesn't see that he was affected. like he thinks that it is not good to show " bad " emotions, and he often blames me for mine. he says he is always happy but when he talks i see he has serious problems and pains. also he says it is not important what he thnks so he doesn't want to talk, he prefers to listen and give advice. and so on....

i don't want to b anybodies therapist. and i talked with my t last time about him, cause i thought this is just not right any more and is unhealthy for me. i need a strong person beside me, and mature. cause i am strong and maturing and working hard on my recovery. i don't need somebody to drag me down.

MemorableBabyDolly
04-26-2012, 04:47 PM
ADD or not, once a liar always a liar. And if he has lied about something small he will lie about something big. You are not a loser, he is. I do not tolerate liars and to me a liar is actually the worst kind of thief because they steal your trust. And my bet is that this so called friend is another woman. Throw him out like yesterdays trash, pronto.

nefretiti
04-28-2012, 02:18 AM
i was thinking the same. but i still have trouble of fitting that into a person i thought he was....

nefretiti
04-28-2012, 04:28 PM
why the fu*k liars get u flowers when they screw up?

sflathinker
04-28-2012, 08:05 PM
No person is all bad or all good. The question is whether you are compatible and can accept his traits. If his 'negative' traits cause you anxiety, anger, worry or frustration then you have to ask yourself what the pay off is. Some people lie because they are afraid of the consequences of telling the truth. Are you ok with this? Are you happy in spite of these lies? Your choices are to forgive him or not to forgive him. To continue in a relationship with him or not. To see whether he is willing to change and give him the chance. But your happiness shouldn't be compromised.

nefretiti
04-29-2012, 04:51 AM
sflathinker, we had this conversation before about honesty and consenquences, and firstly, there was never any real reason to b afraid, secondly, we agreed that honesty is not to b compromised no matter what.

sflathinker
04-29-2012, 06:44 AM
Then you have to leave him since he broke a major rule...if you don't leave him than there really isn't a consequence is there?