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strugglingdaily
04-18-2012, 09:44 PM
Today I started seeing a new T. She is great! I use to see her when my ED first showed up. I hate that I didn't continue to see her...I may have been "cured" by now if I did, LOL. She is so comforting, so caring, and so easy to talk to. I don't feel she is looking deep in my soul to see if I'm lying, or making something up, or make me feel so uncomfortable I want to dart out of the door (this is how my last T made me feel). She doesn't just wait for me to speak up...she asks me questions, teaches me, and educates me on my ED and other mental issues...like OCD, and possibly ADHD for adults. I never thought I could have ADHD, but now that she pointed it out...it could be possible. Sometimes I wonder...how did I get so fucked up!?! UGH! Anyway, I feel like we are going to be moving in the right direction with my treatment, without the only opinion being IOP.

Anyway...something that is on my mind troubling me today...and the only reason I bring this up is because of my session today. It's not related to ED, but I wonder if in some way it is one of the underlying issues that has caused me to use ED behaviours. I love my husband very much, don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful husband, and he is VERY good to me. I have been with him since I was fifteen years old. That was sixteen years ago. We will be married for eight this August. I just wonder sometimes if I settled with him. I know that is horrible to say, but what if I made the wrong choice to marry him? He has always been my "care giver". He has taken care of me, taken care of situations that I can't handle, and always steered me back into the right direction when I've gotten off the beaten path. What if he is all that I knew? He was just there, and it's all I knew, and it was just comfortable, and I was too fearful of letting go??? I don't know why I'm having these thoughts, esp when he is so great to me, and I do love him so much, but what if I just love him so much because he has taken care of me, and always been there for me? We don't have a lot of sex...I'm sorry...I know TMI...but because of my body issues, I dread having sex. I don't like my body touched, or felt. I don't like being naked in front of him...I hide as though he is a stranger. He is very understanding of my issues, and very understanding of our limited sex life....but I would love to have a better sex life, but I feel like I can't be free in front of him. As though I have to remain "sick" or "hidden" so I can avoid it. I don't know if that makes sense. I day dream of having great sex, and being very open about myself with him like I once use to be. He has seen me with no ED, and he has seen me with ED. My ED started up shortly after I got married and moved out of my mom's house (didn't know it was ED, just thought I hated my body and wanted to change it). Now to help matters worse...my new antidepressant is killing any feeling I have "down there". That is no help, but I do feel a lot better then I did before I started it :/

I don't know what I'm expecting as a response to this post. I really just wanted to get my thoughts out somehow by writting them. I could have done it in a journal, but I love the support here. I just can't believe I'm questioning my marriage. And what if I do find that I want out for some reason??? That is so damn scary to me I can't even picture it! The house, the money, the bills, the property??? What the hell???? I don't know. I really just don't know. He is the one I always talk to when I have issues going on in my head...how do I talk to him about this?? It could crush him.

:confused

axi
04-18-2012, 11:44 PM
It could crush him, but he is probably already being crushed since you are not being intimate with him and not telling him why. Have you two discussed this issue?

When you day dream of great sex, what is different? Have you thought about the fact that even if you leave your husband, you will take your issues with you and they will most likely resurface with your next partner?

I am not saying to leave or stay, that is up to you. If you are unhappy and you feel that you cannot be happy in your marriage, then you should leave. People divorce and figure out their finances all the time.

Have you talked to your t about these feelings?

strugglingdaily
04-19-2012, 09:28 PM
No, I haven't talked to my T about these feelings. I am going to talk about it during my next session. I'm not unhappy with my husband at all...I'm just wondering to myself if I love him because he takes care of me....if that makes any sense. I don't know why I had these feelings. I don't want to leave him at all. I love him very much. I only thought of leaving for his sake, not mine. I just feel it is not fair to him to be with someone who has this many issues, and doesn't show the love back that he needs and deserves. He loves me so much, yet I push him away, and he still stands by my side. I just feel he is unlucky to have found me, because what if I only love him cause he takes care of me??? I don't know. It's something I have to talk to my T about. I think I'm over thinking this whole thing.

When I day dream of great sex, the difference is I am more in to it then in real life. I make the moves, I enjoy it, I feel comfortable with my body, and I feel comfortable with my husband touching me. I day dream of what it use to be like before I had the body issues. I actually didn't think of finding a new partner...I just thought about being alone. I don't want anybody else, I just want to be alone all by myself sometimes. I guess that's the disorder.

I did talk with my husband last night about the sex. He told me that of course he would love to have it all the time, but he knows that if he were in an accident that caused him to be paralyzed from the neck down, that I would stay by his side, and there would be no sex. He said, this is no different, and he is by myself for the rest of my life. See how I feel he deserves better then me! I didn't talk to him about the part about me being in love with him cause it's all I know....cause I don't know if that's my true feelings talking, or if it's me wanting to take this disorder and go hide in the corner with it, so I don't have to get uncomfortable and work thru it. If that makes sense???

axi
04-19-2012, 10:05 PM
It does make sense. Fantasy is easy. It is whatever you want it to be and it is completely under your control. It is much more comfortable to fantasize than to actually open yourself up to someone else.