View Full Version : I'm the shittiest friend there is......

04-17-2012, 11:05 PM
That pretty much sums it all up. And how I'm feeling.

So backgrounnd: My friend started casually this guy in November/December. He's a really nice dude (probably one of the nicest guys she's dated ever). I met him/we hung out with him on NYE. They never got really serious (or tried not to) or exclusive because he's going back to Florida for grad school after the summer. Anyways, one night she was telling me about this concert in Bloomington (He lives there while we live up in Indy). I asked her if she wanted to go but she couldn't go because of work. She told me I should go with Jeff (the guys she's dating). I asked her if that would be ok since I felt kinda weird with just me hanging out with a guy she's dating. She said she was cool with it and would tell Jeff about it and stuff. We ended up going to the concert and had a fun time and whatnot.

Anyways, we started talking and stuff as friends or whatever and we talked about how we should hang out again. I ended up going down one night to hang out and go out to the bars and stuff. I ended up staying this time. When we got back to the house to crash, I decided to sleep on the couch. Jeff, being drunk and whatnot, was like, "What are doing? Come here." And he pretty much dragged me to his room (not in a violent or aggressive way but in one of those you're being ridicolous ways). We ended up cuddling in his bed and I ended up giving him a hang/blow job that night. Obviously, I knew right away what I was doing/what I had done (and so did he) and we both agreed not to tell Kelsey (my friend he's dating).

I felt really bad about this and knew it was wrong. I kinda blew it off though because I knew I couldn't/wouldn't let it happen again. Anyways, we started hanging out a little bit (about once a week or once every other week). And each time we ended up fooling around (I did more to him than he did to me but that's beside the point). It was always confusing though because he always made the first move. And what's more confusing is I'm not that attracted to him that much in any physical or emotional or dating sense really (except for when we drink). So I can't figure out why I keep getting myself into these situations. I dont know if it's the fact that he's unavailable (I have a thing for guys that are unavailable) or the fact that he's dating my friend or the if I like the challenge of trying to be more sexually attractive than my friend (which is something I struggle with A LOT especially around her). I've actually talked about this a lot with my therapist the past few sessions and I'm still struggling to figure all this out.

Anyways, a few weeks ago Jeff asked me if I wanted to go to this concert with him and some of his friends since one of his friends had an extra ticket. It was an electronic/techno/DJ concert so I was like Fuck yeah! But in the past couple weeks they've been kinda rocky and I'm pretty sure they're done since he's mentioned he's dating someone else. I've asked her a few times what was going on with them and she's always said she didn't want to talk about it so I left it alone because I could tell she was upset and didn't want to push it. Anyways, I've kept this concert kinda a secret because I knew she would be upset if she knew I was still hanging out with him. Well I went to her house to night to drop some stuff off and I mentioned I was going to a concert and she asked which one and I slipped and told her. She immediately goes, "You're going with Jeff, aren't you....." And our conversation immediately ended and I left right away. After I got home she ended up texting me and telling me how she feels we've grown apart but she still considers me a close friend and she asked me how I viewed our relationship. I told her she was one of my few close friends, practically my best friend. She ended up telling me how it upset her that me and Jeff we're all buddy buddy and how she's been heartbroken and how it's shitty that I've been sneaky about this concert and how she wouldn't do this to me. And the way she was saying all this I felt like I was being lectured and scolded for something I did wrong. But I know she's also really upset as she has every fucking right to be. But i'm also really scared that I just ruined my friendship with her completely. And i didn''t respond to her texts because I didn't know what to say because there really isnt anything I can say. And I also feel like I need to give her some space and time with all this (or maybe I'm the one that needs the time; I dont know).

And on another note, she's practically my best friend. I've known her since I was fourteen and I'm now almost twenty-two. She's my oldest and one of the closest friends I have. (And I dont have that many close friends anymore as I've either pushed them away or isolated myself for the past few years). She doesnt know that we've fooled around and I'm so fucking scared that she will and our relationship will be destroyed beyond repair. And I've never done anything like this to one of my friends EVER. And it sucks, because all I can think about is how in the past year or so she's tried to help me with me depression and eating disorder and all that and it makes me feel like an even more terrible friend.

Now I dont know what to do about this concert. I still want to go and I would feel shitty backing out at the last minute but i feel like i shouldn't go to this concert. Like I dont DESERVE to go and have a good time. Like, if I go, karma will bite me in the ass and I'll have a miserable time or something shitty will happen or whatever. Or if I go and have a good time, I'll ended up feeling even more guilt than I feel now for enjoying myself. Like right now, I feel like I should be punished or grounded for what I did.

I have no idea what to do in this situation.


BTW: PLEASE do not respond saying, "Oh, you're a terrible friend." or "You should've known better." or "How could you do that?" TRUST ME. I understood all this before it happened, while it was happening, and even more now. I know the shitty thing I did and I'm already feel more guilt than I've probably ever felt in my life.

04-18-2012, 06:58 AM
I'm not going to lecture you on screwing around with a guy who has a girlfriend, but screwing around with the boyfriend of the girl you consider to be your best friend? If you go to the concert you are basically saying "fuck you" to your friend and only considering your own fun over her pain, fears, needs, etc. At some point you have to stop thinking about the short term gain and consider the long term. What's more important?

04-18-2012, 07:29 AM
Yup, it all depends on what you value and whether you can make an intentional choice of how to act.
I'm going solely on your own statements that this friend is very important to you and that you feel you acted wrongly. If you want to be close with her it sounds like there is a lot to talk about. You could tell her your problems with hooking up out of insecurity, you could tell her you're sorry for hanging out with him when you knew he hurt her (if you did and are), or ask her to be more open about if there's someone who hurt her and you should stay away from.

04-18-2012, 10:13 AM
I agree with mollyo and sflathinker.

You've not treated this friend well and you're owning that, but this means that you also need to own it from now on, if you want to maintain this friendship. That means no going to the concert with this guy. That's not about karma, either, that's about not continuing the cycle of hurt that you've already created with this friend. As sflathinker says, that's a big fuck you to the girl. Is this guy worth it to either of you? Keep in mind that no matter what you do from here on out, your friend might not want to continue your relationship.

Also, I don't recommend trying to work this out via text message. I know a lot of people who like to try to have deep meaningful conversations this way, but it's not a good way to resolve conflict. This girl has been your friend for nearly eight years now. You should be able to have a face to face conversation. I've only ever seen texting about things like this increase the drama, not remedy it.

04-18-2012, 07:01 PM
I don't mean to be cruel, but you seem really concerned about how this effects you-YOU might not to get to have fun at the concert, and YOU might not be able to enjoy the same friendship you two used to have. I suggest (and I am NOT trying to judge-just honestly suggesting) that you take a long hard think about how you would feel if someone did this to you. You also said you'd feel shitty backing out of the concert at the last minute-what is THAT about? I think that is the last thing you should be feeling shitty about; And you said this guy is a "really nice dude". Really? He doesn't sound so nice to me.

I agree that going to the concert would be a big fuck you to someone you say you care about.

I also think that if I were your friend, I would have a hell of a time forgiving you. BUT I would have a LOT less respect for you if for some reason someone else was the one to tell me the truth. I think you owe her the truth and an apology. She can decide if she wants to continue to be your friend, and she has the right to have all the information to make that decision. This is what I would want; yes it would hurt to know the truth but damn I'd be pissed if I found out something like this from someone else about one of my friends. I think it's quite likely the friendship will end if you tell her, but the alternative is a friendship based on a lie, with no honor.

You say you've never done anything like this before. It's good that you are willing to look at why you would choose to do something like this now. Can you think of any reason you may have subconsciously wanted to destroy this friendship? I think that once you start to clean up the mess it is worth consideration.

:love althea

04-18-2012, 10:13 PM
Beware men who use women and get way more than they give, sexually speaking. He's showing you that he's selfish. I would not factor in his feelings (about the concert or anything else) to your plans for what to do next.

04-18-2012, 11:06 PM
Have you considered that this concert will most likely lead to you two fooling around again? It seems to be a pattern that when you two get together, it happens even when you didn't plan for that. I also find it troubling that he is the one who is getting off and not reciprocating. That is really selfish, if the fact that he was cheating didn't clue you in.

I think that hanging out with him anymore will hurt your friend even more. You need to decide what you are going to do and who you want to keep in your life.

04-19-2012, 12:40 AM
If you go to the concert than you really are not sorry for what you have done. If you are still talking to the guy and texting this shows truly you really are not remorsal. If you were remorsful you would change you behavior. Can you grasp the actually gravity of how much you actually betrayed your friend reading this I feel like you have head knowledge it is wrong but you don't have gut remorse.

04-19-2012, 06:27 AM
I understand how sometimes you find yourself in the midst of a situation you find it hard to get out of. Before you know where you are you find that you've done things you regret and things that have hurt others... but you find yourself so deep in you can't see a way out.

It sounds as though this is where you've found yourself. You've realised that you are in a situation that has lead you to betray a really close friend - but at the same time you've developed a close relationship with this guy. It sounds as though you feel stuck and don't know what to do.

But I think this is because you've lost perspective... you are in the midst of everything and haven't really stood back to reflect on what's happened. I think if you do manage to step back and look at things a little more dispassionately then you'll work out what is most important to you.

I know it must be hard to hear so many :fishy's comment on what's happened... but if you can read the comments without judging yourself harshly - I think you'll be able to use the comments to help you reflect on what's happened and what you want to do from here.


Iced gem
04-19-2012, 08:15 AM
I agree with rafferty, that i understand what it's like to wind up in a situation, not knowing how you really got there, but not really knowing a way out either.

saying that though- i have been in your friend's position.

warning: long personal story-
i had a boyfriend. and my then best-friend started secretly hanging out without me. just them. first i thought nothing much of it, it was a bit weird. but i tried to just shake off my worry because she was supposed to be my bestfriend and her boyfriend and my boyfriend were good friends.

long story short i started to pick up signs that something was off. they would both appear to meet me together. or they appeared sketchy. turns out one night we were all going out on a night out, and then i was really ill and wound up in the ER, and the two of them went home together and slept together. they continued this for a week or two. and she claimed afterwards that she mostly did things to him/for him rather than the other way round. i truly question how he felt about her, because maybe it was the fact that she was a secret BJ giver that he got off on that.
finally we were out and she told me she had to tell me something. i asked what. she said they'd slept together.
i swear to god i can still smell the smell in the air of that moment. i know the outfit i was wearing. i can feel that moment. she did it while he was standing next to her. with her around around him.
it literally cut through me. NOT because i cared that much about the guy. i wasn't in love with him. but it was the sheer audacity of the way she handled the whole thing. sneaking around behind my back. sleeping with my boyfriend. lying to me. lying about her whereabouts. telling me in a public place while draped over him.

learning point: your friend---> she deserves to know. and she deserves to be told in a way that doesn't make her feel even more humiliated.
learning point: it's not a blame game, but you've ended up in this situation. now you need to sort it so the innocent parties don't get hurt more than necessary.
learning point: men like these are not worth losing girlfriends over. and i agree with kensington actually- he is selfish. and imo he is getting the most out of this situation by all accounts. having his cake and eating it too. enjoying 'free' handjobs?! how can you even trust what he says.

after she admitted to me they'd been sleeping together she asked me if she 'could have him'? yes i know. i promptly burst into tears and ran to the bathroom, followed by her. she never once apologised. SERIOUSLY. she never ever once apoligised. i was screaming at her like a mad woman. and then we went outside to go home. three of us in a taxi. and we pulled up outside my house. and i told her 'to get out of the car. if she valued my friendship at all she was to get out of the f***ing taxi and get into my house. i said i wanted to talk about it. i wanted to know why. and i said that if she didn't get out of the car i would never talk to her again'.
yea she didn't get out of the taxi and they went back to his house where supposedly they slept in seperate beds but idk, nor do i care anymore.

learning point: i gave my 'best friend' the opportunity to get out of the car and for us to talk about it. and for her to explain why she betrayed me. i acted like the bigger person. she refused.
it is probably the biggest betrayal of my life. and since then i have never ever fully trusted a female. all my girlfriends i hate leaving them with my boyfriend. i hate the idea that this could happen again.
i lost all trust in her and in freakin the sisterly bond and girl power.

im not saying all this to make you feel bad. but more so to make you think. please think about if this was you. what way would you want it to play out?! you need to find some way to right this situation.

and going to the concert is not the solution.

04-30-2012, 03:27 AM
For lack of a better response, I'll go back to the standard, " Bro's before Ho's" (In the girlfriend vs. boy toy sense of the words of course)

04-30-2012, 11:04 PM
I think if you care about this friend you need to tell her everything. Beg for forgiveness and look at why the hell your putting yourself in these types of situations.
Friends don't fool around with friends boyfriends, And if they do it never ends well.
Think about that the next time you wanna head out with this so called guy friend.
How would you feel if your friend did this to you?