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fishalthea
04-14-2012, 01:59 PM
Hello :bowl

I posted previously about my relationship and my increasing need for space/desire to spend time away from him. Things have been stressful in both our lives lately-more than stressful, really. And so I've put off doing anything or saying anything and just held on...until today. I knew something had to be said, but I did NOT intend to say it over the phone. We started to engage in our usual weekend fight-he gets angry because I want to spend my Saturday afternoon alone running errands and just chilling out, and he wants us to do something together; I tell him I'll see him later, as in tonight, and we hang up both frustrated. This time I called him back, and I told him I could not give him what he needed in a relationship; namely a full time girlfriend who is there for him twenty four seven. It just isn't what I want-I don't want/need a twenty-four seven boyfriend there for me either. I feel like, at least at this point in my life, I don't want to be obligated to anyone else but me. Yes, this is selfish, but I think selfish isn't always a bad word. After all, people's reasons for being in a relationship are selfish too.

I am fighting the urge to do what I always do-call him again, try to fix it, make him feel better. He is devastated and so, so angry. It really hurts me too, but I don't think he believes that at all. I'm also freaking out-what will I do without him?!?!? He is my best friend, after all. :sad:sad I know I'm going to miss him. I already do miss knowing I can call him, and it's only been about twenty minutes since this happened.

UGh. This is SO hard. I've never broken up with someone before-my prior serious relationship just sort of mutually dissolved. I can't believe how much this sucks. I feel so guilty. I hate knowing how much anger he feels towards me right now, and the nasty things he will say to people about me now. :sad:sad

I know I did what must be done, but it feel so awful.

:love althea

helpingheart
04-14-2012, 03:39 PM
I know how hard this must be for you right now, But Do you have support from others beside your boyfriend? Support is so important BP

Serena for Serenity
04-14-2012, 04:34 PM
Hi fishalthea :gimmehug

Sorry to hear that you are feeling bad, but it seems like you did the right thing for you. Well, for the the both of you, but the most important part is that you took care of yourself. I think it is very wise of you to know that you don't want to be obligated to anyone else but yourself at this point in your life and that certainly is not selfish. It is self-considerate. It takes a lot of strength to break up with someone and it never feels "good." I know how raw you must feel after doing it and I understand the feelings of loss, wanting to call the very person who you cannot...it is hard. Hopefully he will not say anything bad to people who you both know, he is probably just in shock and will cool down after it has become real for him. But if he does, don't let it affect you, you deserve to be taking care of yourself and if it means not being with him...so be it. And as for feeling awful, you just need to allow yourself to feel your feelings and mourn your relationship and be around people who care about you and whom you can vent to. You will start to feel better as time goes by. Stay strong. It seems you did the right thing.

fishalthea
04-14-2012, 05:38 PM
Thanks for your replies. I do have some support right now. I just got an invite to hang out with an old friend tonight who is having a couple other women over for a girls night. This friend recently popped back into my life and if this had been any other weekend I might not have anyone.

I think this was the wrong thing, but I know I'm gonna miss some things about our relationship terribly. What makes this so hard is that he really is wonderful. I am just not in the same space as he is, and I don't think we essentially want the same things in life.

I'm worried about him, too. We broke up for a short time previously, and he sat at home drinking and started smoking. He does have that tendency to abuse substances, or at least a vulnerability. During the time we've been together, he never did, but I can see him using this as an excuse to start. He's told me before several times that I'm all that matters to him; that without me has nothing. I always hated it when he said that but I think he thought it was romantic or somehow proof of his love. I know it's not my responsibility or fault if he responds to this with self-destructive behavior, but I do wish I could just check on him or something. He has been there for me through some really rough stuff, and through some really bad times with the anorexia. So it's so hard to leave him alone in his pain right now.

BeStillAndKnow
04-14-2012, 08:45 PM
Hey, I know how hard break ups are. I just want to make sure, that his problems with the substance abuse wasnt an issue with you as well as him which; it doesn't sound like.
Are you doing ok now? Im really glad your reaching out, and have support this weekend.
My first initial thought is that you did the right thing. If you are thinking about how he might be a bad influence on you so soon, and I know at first like wham it slowly sinks in but I think you know you made the right choice. If you still have regrets as time passes then maybe try and talk to him soon. All though now it seems like we want to take things back that were said and have regrets maybe you just need time apart and not a total "break up". :gimmehug

fishalthea
04-15-2012, 11:01 AM
His substance issues are really not something that affected me. Honestly, he drank moderately and the only time I know of that he used drugs or drank heavily was during a brief previous breakup. So he wasn't a bad influence on me; I don't have issues with drinking or drugs. I rarely even feel the desire to have a single drink. And his drinking during our relationship was never troubling to me either. I come from a family of alcoholics and compared to them, he was very healthy in his approach. It's just that I know of his history of going to extremes during times in our relationship when we've been broken up.

It's only the next day and I miss him so much already, and I don't know if I should text him to make sure he's okay??? There has been no contact since the conversation yesterday, and we didn't establish the terms of whether we'd contact one another. I don't think this is a break though, I think it's for real this time. As much as I miss him and love him, I can't keep ignoring the facts. He wants a wife, a family, and full time partnership. I do not.

sflathinker
04-15-2012, 12:28 PM
Right person, right time, right place. If his needs aren't being met, he will be unhappy and you can't be what you aren't. The right person will accept you. Not everyone wants/needs twenty four seven, he sounds needy, it's not ok to tell someone that the relationship is all that matters to them. Unfortunately you can't be his shoulder to cry on. He has to go through this breakup, as do you, without each other, unless you want to reconcile. But if you reconcile, something needs to change or you'll break up again. Are you willing to change?

fishalthea
04-15-2012, 04:02 PM
Are you willing to change?

No, and I've told him this. Not now-I'm thirty one, but I lost so many years to ED that I feel like I'm still twenty one! I am not willing to change, despite the fact that I do love him He texted me today and accused me of not caring, of never having cared about him or us, because I'm not willing to change or compromise with regard to my independence and need for alone time. This is so not true-the accusation of not caring. If I didn't care I wouldn't have spent the last twenty four hours crying. But I am still not willing to change. Maybe one day but I don't feel I'm ready.

He also said he didn't even want to talk to me again, that I'd ruined him and he had nothing left in his life. :cry

sprout
04-15-2012, 04:09 PM
I feel for you, fishy. :love

He's hurting right now, so of course he can't see that by breaking up with him you are showing just how much you care about him. You are giving him a chance to find someone that is right for him and be the kind of partner you don't want to be. Yes, this means you will both hurt and grieve for a while. But it will get better. It just takes time. :sad

Serena for Serenity
04-15-2012, 04:12 PM
It sounds like he is being pretty dramatic and for him to not acknowledge that you are hurting too is kind of rude. Breakups are hard and everyone deals with them in their own way, but he seems to be lashing out in hopes that you will feel sorry for him and come back...him saying that he has nothing left in his life seems like a warning. He is ultimately responsible for his actions and it is not your responsibility to make sure he is ok. I do understand the urge to call him and make sure he is ok, but right now he is unable to hear anything you have to say. You really need to take care of yourself and you deserve to do so. :gimmehug

sflathinker
04-15-2012, 08:39 PM
You crushed him, let him hurt and let him act out. If you choose to reach out, just know you are the enemy. He's not being rude, he's being a normal human with normal feelings. You will both heal faster if you are not speaking to one another...trust me....

fishalthea
04-15-2012, 08:59 PM
Thank you, everyone, for your support, advice, experience. I know it's best if we don't speak for a while, and that I am the last person who can offer comfort. But he has been texting me, and a short time ago asked if I would just give it a week, think about it, and let him know after I've had some time on my own if it really was over. I told him I would do that much-that I'd take a week. We agreed not to speak during this time, to truly take a break.

I guess I have a lot to think about. I haven't been to therapy since I moved in December-I just haven't taken the time to find a therapist here. I am trying to set up an appointment with my old T in my old city if she can see me this week. It's worth a drive-I need some help sorting through this, and staying strong in my decision if it is ultimately best. But I'm also willing to consider what it is that is keeping me from truly committing to him. Is it him? Or is it something else-my fears around intimacy, vulnerability, accountability? We do of course have other big issues related to money, lifestyle, expectations, ambition. And his comments about me being his everything, which have always made me uncomfortable. But to be fair, these other issues were never discussed, because I never really had the guts to bring them up. To be honest, whenever I have had the guts to broach issues with him, he has always been willing to talk about it and work on things.

This is so hard and confusing. I knew it would be.

:love althea

Alto
04-15-2012, 09:52 PM
Hi Althea,
ugh, I'm so sorry. Breakups are just devastating and his lashing out is simply a wounded person who is coping by being cruel -> although it's a normal response to a crushed ego, it doesn't mean that it isn't manipulative on his part...or extremely extremely painful for you.
"If his needs aren't being met, he will be unhappy and you can't be what you aren't. The right person will accept you. " This is such sound advice. After a couple of heart wrenching breakups I landed in a relationship with someone that is effortless and I realized how hard I was working to meet these other guys part way. It shouldn't be so hard.

I also second the silence is best. At least for a while. You both have to practice leaning on others for support and after a while you'll have practiced enough that it won't feel so difficult.

Hug to you. Take care of yourself, alto

fishalthea
04-17-2012, 07:06 PM
So I guess I was warned about the few days after and it's happening...my resolve is weakening, and I do miss him already.

We've been texting, agreed to meet this weekend to talk, as I'm to be thinking things over this week. I don't know how I'm going to figure this out. I go from one minute thinking this is it, it's over, to the next thinking we can work through this, figure out a solution. Nothing is permanent.

If we do stay together, couples therapy is in order, but do we stay together? I am terrified at this point of trying to make it work and then having to hurt him again, as this is not the first time I've tried to break it off.

I do love him, maybe largely because he just loves me so much, and love is all about how the other person makes you feel. But then it has been a relief these past couple of days, to just worry about me and my needs, and not worry about him. I can go and do as I please and no one is calling me during the workday to tell me about the funny thing he just saw on the way to lunch, and I don't have to deal with anger about me not answering my phone. And I went for a run today, in the middle of the day, because I knew I could come back to the office and work a bit later, because at the end of the day I wouldn't be expected to talk to him or have him over. What a luxury! These are the things I can't deal with-the obligations, requirements, the lack of freedom.

But to be fair, I can say as many things I miss-having someone to tell all the silly little details too is nice, just maybe not every single day. And texting back and forth on random stupid stuff, and being told I am loved. But is this enough, and is it worth giving up that freedom that is so important to me? I just don't know.And to be totally honest, I know if I come back after this week and say that my decision is to truly end it, we are both going to hurt a LOT for a LONG time, and I don't want to go through that-not me, not him. :cry:cry

sflathinker
04-18-2012, 06:55 AM
You broke up because something was broken. In order to fix it something will have to change. Think long and hard about that. Of course you miss him, there's a hole when someone is no longer filling it. But if something wasn't right for one of you (or both of you which is what it sounds like) then you will both need to agree to a new relationship of sorts in order for a reconciliation to work. Possible, yet, but you both have to agree to this.

fishalthea
04-21-2012, 11:18 AM
and now we are back together...

Of course, not without a lot of discussion. We both know change is in order, and he was quick to agree to try, and I am willing to try what he has asked, which I think is reasonable.

He has agreed to give me space and time to myself, which I need; in exchange, I have agreed to let him in more emotionally speaking, which I think is a reasonable request on his part. I did not realize I was shutting him out, but he told me that he felt more and more like I wasn't talking to him about how I'm doing ED-wise, and how I'm feeling. And I guess I hadn't really realized it, but it's true, and I do think I can do a better job keeping him closer with regard to this. It's weird that this came up, though, because I totally didn't know this was the issue. Things get so convoluted sometimes, you know? I just assumed he was upset due to the amount of time we were/werent spending together, and he was saying this was the issue at first, but upon reflecting I guess we realized there was more to it.

I don't know, maybe this will bring us closer. But then, maybe in a couple weeks I'll tell him I'd like a night to myself and get the same old reaction and the cycle will start anew. I did promise him to try harder to work through things rather than running, which is what he accused me of doing. But on my part, I told him that though I'm willing to fight for this, I also think we both need to acknowledge that if things aren't working, we will have to walk away.

We did talk a lot about compatibility too, which is progress, and I think set us up for continuing discussions on our major compatibility issues related to money and work and family.

So that is where it stands....I am still very uncertain, to be honest. But when I get around him, the thought of ending it just seems so unbearable. So this is where we are for now.

:love althea