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View Full Version : Major issues with unrequited love


Rocky Road
04-09-2012, 09:45 PM
I'm so, so crushingly heartbroken. :cry :cry

I'm in love with my best friend, but he's started seeing someone else semi-seriously in the past few months.

I feel so many emotions...jealousy, embarrassment, anger at him, anger at the girl he's seeing for "stealing" him (I know he's not mine to steal), anger at myself for getting in so deep with these feelings, but above all, sadness and absolute hopelessness about my relationship future.

This is the third unrequited love I've had in the past decade (each one lasting several years). I ALWAYS do this... I get SUCH strong feelings for a particular man and end up getting in way too deep. And I've never had a break between these periods of unrequited love - one only ends when another starts to take its place. Saying that makes me feel like some kind of emotional parasite, but it's true. The only way I've ever gotten over one guy is by getting "hooked" on another.

Last time I was able to tell the guy how I felt, but I've abstained this time because I know he wouldn't reciprocate (long story) and because I don't want to make our friendship, not to mention our mutual friendships, awkward, especially given I'd gain nothing from telling him anyway.

I'm in such a desperately bad place right now, I feel like my world is falling apart around me. I feel so completely unworthy of a relationship. I know I'm an amazing friend. But it's because I'm such good friend material that I feel like no one considers me for a relationship. And because I'm just...ugh, I dunno, there are too many physical flaws. :sad

I've been exercising, restricting and binging like crazy lately, probably to cope with this I think. Sorry, I'm typing this through streaming tears at four in the morning. I just feel so, so hurt. I've been in love with this guy for two years, immediately after two years of loving another guy, which was more or less immediately after four years of loving yet another guy. All fruitless. I don't know how to break this hopeless, soul-destroying cycle.

How do I turn these feelings off? I would give anything to wake up tomorrow renewed. For once, to be free of any feelings for anyone. I'd rather be cold and empty and not care about anyone than have all these feelings I don't know what to do with. I have nowhere to vent these emotions, no way of getting rid of them. I don't want to feel this way any more. I can't hack it. How has anyone out there gotten over unrequited love? Please, challenges, anything. How do I turn these feelings off? I genuinely feel like emotionlessness would be easier than this constant despair

catsIlove
04-09-2012, 10:15 PM
I'm so sorry you are feeling so down.
I would take time for yourself and let yourself feel what you need to feel to move on. I had an experience this february where the guy who was basically strining me along for over two years while on a "break" said he didn't want to try again because it was so long since our relationship and is basically a coward. For me I tried to push through and did not take the time out for myself. I'm honestly still depressed but I didn't properly let things sink in so that made it worse.

sflathinker
04-10-2012, 11:39 AM
Unrequited love is safe, there's no fear of being involved in reality or the difficulties of the relationship itself, rather you live in the beauty of your fantasy. You imagine him falling in love with you and it lasting forever. Real love is messy, sticky and sometimes painful. Liking someone who isn't interested or ready to like you back once happens to us all, for you its a pattern. There nothing wrong with you, but you are choosing to turn yourself off from the possibility of meeting available men in favor of remaining true to men who aren't truly yours. You have the friendships but not the intimacy. In a way you have some of the good without the bad but none of the great (being in love is bad and great all wrapped up together over the long haul whereas a friendship is more steady and peaceful).

Are you looking for love?

Rocky Road
04-10-2012, 04:10 PM
catsIlove, sflathinker - thanks to both of you for replying.

catsIlove, I'm sorry to hear that you've been through something similar. I read your reply this morning and I've been trying to have "me" time all day, away from the man in question and away from everyone in fact, just relaxing and trying to come to terms with my feelings. It's been difficult, and they're not resolved of course, but this does feel healthy. What can you do to move away from the depression of your situation? :gimmehug

sflathinker, you're absolutely right. I think a big part of this is that I want love but, for a number of reasons that I don't want to get into right now, I feel like the real thing would be unattainable. I guess mainly because it would require revealing too much about myself, things that no one knows and I don't want anyone to know. I also think I'd find the sexual side of the relationship difficult, given how I dislike myself naked, etc. There seem to be too many obstacles, and I think I see a real relationship as a bit of a pipe dream - nice idea, not gonna happen.

I guess the fantasy that unrequited love gives is easier in some ways, but it's also difficult because it is mainly unfulfilling. Whether I'm willing to reveal myself completely in return for a loving relationship - including the bad and the great - is something I still don't know. Eventually yes. My worry is that I'll keep putting it off forever because I'm too threatened by the prospect of opening myself up for someone.

You've given me something new to think about, though, thanks so much!

catsIlove
04-10-2012, 04:28 PM
I've actually got an appointment set up with my doctor and I've taken a light courseload this summer because I wanted more time to myself so I will probably end up looking into doing some volunteer work and going back to therapy. Thanks for asking.