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Alycat
04-04-2012, 03:41 PM
I've been going out with my boyfriend for over a year, but we've known each other since we were sixteen (lost touch for a few years in between).
I''ve mentioned a couple of times that I want to live with him, and his response has been that he'd like to, but only when he gets a permanent contract at his work.
I'm probably going to have to move from my current place, and I mentioned again that I'd really like to be looking for that new place with him. Again he mentioned getting a permanent contract.
Thing is, he's been working there for about seven years now as agency staff, and they've still never offered him a permanent contract. He thought they'd probably put up job vacancies in March so he could apply, but March has been and gone.
He said that if he wasn't offered in the next two years he would look somewhere else for a contracted job, but I just don't want to have to wait that long. By then I'll be twenty seven, nearly twenty eight.
We had a text exchange about it, and he said he wanted to talk in person because he was upset (he could get upset over anything, I really haven't said anything mean).
I worry that he's the sort of person to just 'go with the flow' and so we could get to being eighty years old and he'd still be waiting for a contract.
We've also talked about marriage, and he says proposing is 'in the pipeline' but again it could be years and years with nothing.
Am I being too pushy? Is it wrong to want to see signs of progression within the relationship?

Alycat
04-06-2012, 02:19 AM
Nobody has advice? :sad

DreamsInBlack&White
04-06-2012, 02:51 AM
I'm certainly not an expert, but it sounds to me like he's not ready for that step. I think that if you keep pushing for it, you will push him away entirely. :( I'm so sorry - I am sure that's probably not what you wanted to hear. I would put some distance between yourself and him for a bit. If you are pushing in and he's pulling away, in my opinion, you pushing in further will only result in him pulling further back. If you pull back, he may not follow, but it will at least give him the room to push back in towards you if that's what he wants. Does that make sense?

sprout
04-06-2012, 05:16 AM
I agree with Missannabelle, it sounds like he isn't ready.

If he really wanted to take this step, he would make it happen, contract or no contract. You deserve someone who is excited and can't wait to move in with you and marry you and make that committment.

I know the type of person who doesn't take action to make things happen, and is content to watch years go by and not make any major decisions. It would be too frustrating to me to be in a relationship with such a person - I need to be with a person who can take action!

Sure, you could push and drag him into it and it might work out. Or you could wait it out and hope he gets to the point where feels ready or willing to make those changes.
But I wonder if it's a good match between the two of you.

I think it's really important to your happiness to accept the way he is, about this issue and life in general, and then decide if that's the type of person you want to be with. If you are trying to change him or the way he makes decisions or thinks about things, it isn't going to work and is only going to make you unhappy.

Alycat
04-06-2012, 05:48 AM
I agree with Missannabelle, it sounds like he isn't ready.

If he really wanted to take this step, he would make it happen, contract or no contract. You deserve someone who is excited and can't wait to move in with you and marry you and make that committment.

I know the type of person who doesn't take action to make things happen, and is content to watch years go by and not make any major decisions. It would be too frustrating to me to be in a relationship with such a person - I need to be with a person who can take action!

Sure, you could push and drag him into it and it might work out. Or you could wait it out and hope he gets to the point where feels ready or willing to make those changes.
But I wonder if it's a good match between the two of you.

I think it's really important to your happiness to accept the way he is, about this issue and life in general, and then decide if that's the type of person you want to be with. If you are trying to change him or the way he makes decisions or thinks about things, it isn't going to work and is only going to make you unhappy.
The quote I put in bold nearly made me cry, although I'm not exactly sure why.
He says he wants to marry me and have kids and live together. He's even said he wants to be settled, married and with kids by the time he's thirty (that's five years away for both of us). He claimed towards the end of last year that he'd want to look at living together this year because then he'd have a permanent contract. He claimed that he wanted to propose to me and it was 'in the pipeline'. None of it seems to be happening.
We've said we'll talk today, and I know he'll get upset and I'll feel guilty. I just worry that he'll keep saying these things and never do anything.
Is a year and a half too soon?

sflathinker
04-06-2012, 09:37 AM
Do you want to be with him or do you want to have the life you envision? You may gave to be patient. I know plenty of people who weren't ready and a year isn't that long together for some couples. You could push him away, no one wants to resent being forced into a situation but no one wants to wait forever. A year isn't forever. Perhaps you should move on your own. If he's happy with his life and you're not, then the goal is for you to find a way to becoming happy.

axi
04-06-2012, 04:01 PM
It sounds like he wants to have a permanent job before making any changes. I think you are looking at it as wanting to deepen the relationship, but he wants stability before he makes any offers to you.

Alycat
04-07-2012, 12:40 AM
We had a talk about it yesterday. He started off kinda cross, but I think after a while he understood what I was trying to say.
He's hoping that he'll be given a permanent job soon, although the process can take up to six months, but they've passed the jobs through the first stage of whatever it has to do.
He's said he's we will be living together some time in the next two years, so that was positive.
However, he also said that at his work place everyone had been through at least one divorce, because where he works is shiftwork. It's almost like he was saying to me 'my work means we wont see each other all the time, so you'll leave me'. I hope it's just him worrying.
We also discussed the fact that he'd had a five year relationship before me, where the plan had been to live together and get married (they'd been engaged) and so that's why he's always like 'we can't plan for the future because things change'. I understand that, but I hope that he can 'get over' it. a little.
I felt a lot better after our talk. Obviously two years still seems a long way away, but as long as I know things are going to go somewhere I can try to be patient.